WACKY WORLD OF NEW-AGE DRUGS

As a society, we have grown increasingly dependent on the pharmaceutical companies to come up with quick-fixes for all our shortcomings & medical problems. Nobody gives a fuck about trying to maintain a healthy mind and body through proper diet, exercise and common-sense. Therefore, these drug companies have made a fortune from the lazy, fat-ass ways of our nation. Here is a list of new "wonder-drugs" that will be hitting the market soon.

PHALIX

It was originally developed as a herbicide (a derivative of Agent Orange) by the CIA. Gardeners & landscapers were given permission to use it in 2003. Almost from the first day these lawn jockeys began using this product they began to notice a massive increase in the size of their cocks! In fact for some of these guys, it became necessary to have an extra leg added to their pants. This anomaly was traced back to Phalix.

SIDE EFFECTS

Unexpected erections accompanied by repetitive ejaculations. In some cases, hospitalization was necessary to provide emergency IV treatment. Some men experienced fainting and dizzy spells due to a massive drop in blood pressure. An estimated 1/3 of the total blood supply is diverted to these massive erections. Many of the men had to resort to using a 2-handed jacking-off technique because they couldn't fit their member into a vagina!


WARNING

Pedro Hernandez, a gardener in Roanoake, Virginia foolishly duct taped his 29" schlong to his leg in an effort to conceal it & keep it from slapping against his leg. His employer, Mary Lipton, made the mistake of entering into a conversation with Pedro while going bra-less and wearing a thin T-shirt. His violent and unexpected erection brought his leg up, resulting in a direct kick to her box which drove her back 20 yards into her swimming pool!

PUBITRIX-PM

Originally developed as a medication to alleviate some of the debilitating effects of menopause. By chance, it was discovered to have a miraculous hair growth benefit in men. This unexpected benefit was discovered by Seth Rogain of Vancouver, B.C. It has been pointed out that Seth is somewhat of a tard. Consequently, it turns out that he had been taken his wife prescription medications instead of Tylenol. "I couldn't figure out why these fucking head-aches were persisting and I had hair sprouting out all over my body," he told his doctor. The doctor traced it to the Pubirix-PM. In test trials, there was a rapid hair growth in 100% of the men that it was tested on.

SIDE EFFECTS

Although hair growth is guaranteed there are some drawbacks. This hair is similar to pubic hair in kinkiness, texture and odor. Consequently, your entire body will be covered in a peckerhair-like growth! If you don't bath frequently, you will soon exude an odor similar to your crotch after doing a marathon on a very hot day! You will also need to keep a large supply of Trac II Razors & shaving cream in stock. Otherwise, your friends and neighbors will mistake you for the "Missing Link" or that annoying fucking caveman in the TV commercials.

WARNING

There is a 99% chance your nuts will shrivel up and fall off, but at least you won't be bald!

X-TACY RX

This is the latest in mood altering drugs. Clinical tests have shown the drug effective in relieving patients of depression, anxiety, agitation & stress. Every patient said they noticed an immediate loss of all the above mentioned emotional problems that were ruining their lives. They slept well, we're able to cope with everyday problems and concerns, including the panic and indecisiveness that was destroying their lives.

SIDE EFFECTS

Nearly everyone of the test subjects said they also experienced a total loss of inhibitions. Many of the women acted on overwhelming impulses such as blowing complete strangers at anytime or anywhere, such as restaurants, malls, etc. even in the presence of their children. In men there were reports of guys pulling multiple bank robberies. Spontaneously beating the living shit out of their boss. Trying to fuck their secretaries during board meetings.

WARNING

The most public & well known test subject was a CEO of a major company. This gentleman whipped out his cock and began jacking-off in front of 300 employees during a presentation lecture introducing his new additions to the MicroSoft line of products.


SEVERE WARNING

One major side-effect of all these medications is being withheld by the manufacturers. This is a severe "anal leakage" problem. Drug companies are well aware of the fact that people don't give a shit if these medications drive them nuts, lead to suicide or homicide or even having their nuts fall off. But if they find out they may inadvertently shit their pants, the fucking jig is up and nobody, but nobody will take these medications.

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