PORNOCCHIO THE PUPPET

A VERY OFFENSIVE FAIRYTALE

*See Cruderudecomedy.blogspot for edited and revised versions of this tale.

Geppetto was, without a doubt, the loneliest man living in the village of Cunnilinguini. If anyone were to wander by his cottage at night, peer in the window, they would see the old man seated at his woodwork bench weeping as he held a picture of his late wife, Paloma. It was difficult for him to believe she had been dead for 15 years. Once, they had dreamed of children and grandchildren, but after many years of disappointment, Paloma had gone to the doctor and discovered she would never be able to bear children for her beloved Geppetto. Despondent and withdrawn, Paloma had taken her own life, crushing in the back of her skull with a blunt instrument. How she had managed to do this with her hands tied behind her back was overlooked by the retards who ran the police department.

As Geppetto looked at the picture, he sobbed, "Why, oh why did this happen? You barren cow, I wasted 20 years banging your dried up old figatta. I could have married the whore Angelina Balboa. She's been a popping out the babies like a fuggating rabbit! I could have been a Priest at a Boy Scout Jamboree getting more action then I can handle! Mother fucker!"

In a final act of rage directed at his dead wife, he threw the picture against the wall, breaking it into thousands of pieces. In stark contrast, he tenderly picked up a wooden marionette, who he had named Pinocchio. With a few finishing strokes of his paint brush, the little boy was finished. These puppets were now the replacements for the children he so desperately wanted and it showed in the meticulous craft work.

 "If only you were real, my little Pinocchio" he sobbed. "I wouldn't be so lonely." He put the little wooden boy down and shuffled to the window, looking up at the stars in the sky. "What was it my momma told me when I was a little boy", he asked himself? Asking oneself questions is a common practice of old people who have no friends or family and on the verge some serious psychiatric disorders. "Now I remember, my mother said-Geppetto, if you looked upon the brightest star in the sky and made a wish, than one day it will come true-I never did believe a word that drunken whore ever said." He blew out the candle on his workbench, picked up the latest copy of 'Jugs & Pussies' and headed to the bedroom to jerk-off before going to sleep.

In the corner of the workshop, a tiny cricket named Jiminy, had been intently listening to the forlorn musing of the sad old man. He was a magical creature, conjured up by the drugged addled mind of Walt Disney. Walt was a man who saw lots of shit running around in his house when he was fucked up on drugs and alcohol. And he was an enigma to family and friends alike. If you looked really hard at the stories he wrote you can see the workings of a twisted individual, something like yours truly writing this blog. How about the story of Bambi? What kind of man would have a fawn's mother, along with thousands of other creatures, burnt do death in a forest fire. And then we have Old Yeller, a loving dog who saves a little boys life countless times. And how does Mr. Disney reward him? He gives the mutt rabies and has the little kid's brother shoot the pooch in the head. And that mind-fuck of a scene from Fantasia starring Mickey Mouse on acid. Conducting an orchestra made up of hippos and other animals in a scene straight out of hell!  That is too fucked up. I'm getting way off track here, so let's get back to Jiminy Cricket. He was about to make Geppetto's wish come true and give him a real, live son. Jumping up on the work table, he took out his pouch of magic dust, similar to angel dust but it doesn't make you psychotic, and sprinkled it on Pinocchio.

A miraculous transformation started to come over the little wooden marionette. His eyes slowly opened and his tiny hands and feet began to move. He raised his head and then tried to stand up from the table. Spotting Jiminy, Pinocchio uttered his first words. "Hey cockroach, get a knife and cut these fucking strings off me, I can't move!"

"Jesus Christ, your a nasty little fucker," exclaimed Jinimy, picking up an exacto knife and cutting the strings. "And I'm not a cockroach, I'm a cricket!

"Cockroach, cricket what's the difference, you're still a disgusting insect," said Pinochio. Spotting the pouch in Jiminy's hand, Pinocchio inquired as it's contents.

"This is my magic dust,"explained the cricket. "It has wondrous powers that can make dreams and wishes come true. But it can also be used by bad people to do evil so one must be careful to ensure it doesn't fall into the wrong hands."

"No shit," said the foul-mouthed puppet. "Hey man, what's that behind you?" asked Pinocchio, pointing to the corner Jiminy had occupied just minutes earlier. As the cricket turned to look, Pinocchio brought up a wooden mallet and bonked the cricket on the head, stunning him. The pouch dropped from his hand, spilling it's contents out on the table. Pinocchio dropped to his knees and snorted a couple lines. Now totally wasted, the puppet reeled across the table towards Slutskya, a marionette that a customer had specialy ordered from Geppetto. She was going to be the part of a travelling puppet show in Russia.

As he neared Slutskya, he threw a handful of magic dust on her and she came to life. Pinocchio, in fever pitched frenzy, tore off all her clothes. Staring at her naked body, he marvelled at Geppetto's craftmanship. She had tits to die for and the sweetest little knot-hole a puppet could want.

"Vat are you do ink to me,' cried a very frightened Slutyana, vainly trying to cover up her tits and knot-hole, but unable to do so because of the strings attached to her arms.

"I'm not doing anything you Russian slut, you're going to blow me though!" laughed Pinocchio as he dropped his pants. "Aw shit!" he screamed. Geppetto forgot to carve him a pecker. He had to go and get some more magic dust.

As he bent down to grab some dust, a very pissed-off cricket jumped on his back and put him in a choke hold. With blood trickling down his face, Jiminy launched into a tirade of obsceneties. "Don't you ever fuck with a cricket. I am going to kill you you sawed off little prick!"

In desperation, Pinocchio reached up and grabbed Jiminy by his feelers and flipped him over his head. The cricket rolled off the table and landed with a little thud on the floor. Undetered, he began to crawl up the leg of the table. "No one gets raped while on my watch," exclaimed Jiminy reaching up for the edge of the table.

By this time though, Pinocchio had availed himself of the dust and was swaggering towards Sluskya, sporting a mean looking boner. With a leer on his face, he proudly proclaimed to Slutskya, "You're going to be pulling slivers out of your mouth for a week!"

"Not so fast!" yelled a triumphant Jiminy, holding a nail gun in his hand. "This fairy tale has gotten way out of hand. I think I am going to end it all here and now!" He pulled the trigger twice in quick succession.

Pinocchio was quick but not quick enough. He managed to duck out of the way of the first nail, which impaled itself square between Slutskya's eye's, killing her instantly. The second nail caught Pinocchio in the chest.

Standing over the wooden pervert, Jiminy brought up the nail gun and aimed it at Pinocchio head. "Any last words dick-wad before I kill you?" stammered the injured cricket.

It was nothing but a blur to Pinocchio as the shoe came down on Jiminy and his guts shot out his asshole. Standing over the bench was Geppetto with his shoe raised for another strike on the cricket.

"What is going on here?" screamed the puppet master as he dropped the shoe and lovingly picked up his puppet. "What miracle has brought life to my Pinocchio?" said Geppetto with tears running down his cheeks.

"Daddy," said a totally innocent Pinocchio reaching up with his arms.

The End. I am cutting this tale short because my wife just came in the door and she thinks I am working on my theses-"The Therpeutic Value of Blogging and Its Correlation to Total Insanity!". Doc.
http://cruderudecomedy.blogspot.com/ This is another killer blog site.