EXERCISING & HUMOR

The Japanese, as well as some American companies, have tapped into the psychology of the average fat-ass consumer when it comes to exercise & exerciser equipment.

The American public has chubbed-out to the point where the lard-ass is in the majority, so the morbidly obese hardly stand out. Remember back a few decades when a fat-ass at school was routinely taken out behind the school and shit-kicked by the jocks or teased unmercifully by fellow school mates.

High school football coaches noticed the trend to obesity first. During the initial practice session, 99% of the boys were trying out for defensive/offensive linemen. They were hard-pressed to find a couple of guys who could run more than ten yards before collapsing.

As a Psychologist, I worked on a study funded by the Arnold Schwarzenegger "Foundation for Fitness & Practical Steroid Use". We noticed a disturbing trend, from people actually wanting to get fit through exercise, to the next phase of looking for exercise equipment that made exercise fun, practical & do-able and finally to looking toward the medical field for quick fix methods such as drugs and surgery.

At present, the public doesn't give a shit about any of these factors. The psychology in their goal is not to get fit (because they don't give a shit if they are fat) but to have the illusion that they are "attempting" to be fit!

Here's where the Japanese have come to the forefront in developing exercise machines for the obesity challenged. Here are two machines that will be hitting the market for the up-coming Christmas shopping frenzy-

• The "Slender-Bender"-It is a deluxe ab-cruncher and sit up machine. Luxuriously covered in calf-skin, with a customized head/neck rest. The head rest has the top of the line sound system. Now what you do is lay on this machine and strap down your legs and upper torso (in case you doze off and roll from the machine). You set a timer and speed-bender button. Now you just enjoy the music as the machine bends you up and down for what ever length of time you desire. When you get to work, you can tell everyone you just finished doing 200 sit-ups/ab-crunches.

• The "Lance Armstrong Tour De France Stationary Bike" is the Cadillac of exercise machines. It is a wonder of technology. The seat is customized to fit your ass, and is similar to the seats you see on John Deere tractors but is padded and covered in leather. It has a 56 inch plasma TV/Blue-Ray DVD Player. Now what you do is once your seated, you slip your feet into the locking pedal straps. You push the start button and that's it. The reason for the foot straps is that you don't even have to peddle it yourself, you just set the speed and the machine does the rest! On the TV is the actual Tour De France course. This machine actually tilts up and down, giving you the illusion of climbing and descending the mountainous course. Just think of the bull-shit stories you can tell people-I just did a hundred K on my bike!

Part of our objective with the study was to develop some equipment that could compete with the Japanese but at a fraction of the cost. I did come up with two ideas, but unfortunately both were rejected by the FDA, DEA and the AMA because of inherent dangers with them.

Here is a brief description of my exercise equipment-

• The "Wreck-Tum"-It was a fairly simple stationary bike with some modifications. The foot pedal were equipped with straps which made it impossible to remove your feet once the timer was started and you completed the cycle you punched into the computer. Now the modified seat was the most problematic aspect when it came to approval. It had a one inch hole in it. A very sharp metal rod would slowly elevate from this hole if you did not complete a programmed cycle. This is how the machine worked. Once you hit the start button, you had to maintain a certain speed and/or complete either a timed or distance sequence that you entered into the on-board computer. Now if you slowed down or began to lag, the metal rod would start to rise and enter your rectum (resulting in considerable pain & discomfort). When I was a kid, my dad said pain was one of the best motivators.

• Then I developed the "Stair-Roid Kit"-This was a very compact and easily transportable exercise kit. It contained syringes, 2 month supply of anabolic steroids and dextroamphetamin, a stop watch and medi-alert bracelet. You could take it to work, vacation or use at home. All you had to do was inject yourself with a combination from the vials, set your stop-watch so you know when to stop (during testing, we had some guys who would keep running stairs till their hearts exploded) then hit whatever stairs are available. The medic-alert bracelet comes in handy if someone comes across you in a crumpled heap at the bottom of stairs. It gives the EMTs a heads-up on what to do.

That's it for todays blog. This is the good doctor signing off. Support my sponsors, infolinks.com and me. The underlined words in my blog are ad links, so your patronage of them would be appreciated!