JRR TOLKIEN'S-THE PHAGGS OF PHOGGYMIRE RINGS PT. IV

PHAGGS PHUCK UP THE SHIRE

*SEE CRUDERUDECOMEDY.BLOGSPOT 

Fans of JRR Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings" series, will be happy to learn that an unpublished manuscript has been discovered by his son, Christopher. It seems the concept of a Utopian ending, portrayed at the end of "The Return Of The King" was a little premature. And as you will soon see, it was just the prelude to the shit-storm that envelopes all the creatures of Middle Earth. The "Return" ended with Samwise Gamgee penning the final chapter on a tale that had begun so long ago by that douche bag Bilbo Baggins. Here is the final glimpse into the world of "Middle Earth".

FRODO & ELVES

Frodo and his companions were just three days into their voyage to the "Undying Lands" when pirates from the Land Of Sewmahlia attempted to seize their boat. This was a terrible mistake for the Seakhoon pirates, because Legolas, Elrond & the rest of the Elves put so many arrows into them, they looked like porcupines! To make a bad situation even worse, the very next day Elrond caught Bilbo Baggins molesting his 8 year old son, Elrond Hubbard Jr. As much as the Elves despised Khoons, they looked upon pedophiles as vermin that must be exterminated! Bilbo was thrown into the brig, with his execution scheduled for the next day. Gandalf & Frodo, who were also prone to dabbling in art of molestation, knew that they may be in a precarious situation due to this major fuck-up by Bilbo. Gandalf decided that the best option was to commandeer the ship, with the unpleasant probability of slaughtering the elves, then head back to the Shire. They would need some inside help, so they decided to recruit Legolas to participate in the mutiny. His allegiance came at a steep price. Legolas wanted as much 'mehetnni' (the Hobbit slang for pussy) as he wanted, 20 kilos of 'scumper'-a high potency bud-and a Villa on Lake Evigna. Early the next morning, the slaughter began. After tossing the bodies of the Elves into the Belegaep Sea, an extremely pissed off Frodo released his Uncle Bilbo from the brig. Gandolf laid a sever beating on Bilbo, accusing the sawed-off little cunt of fucking up a real sweet thing!

SAMWISE & THE SHIRE

Things in the Shire have also gone sideways for those living there. After marrying Rose Cotton, the big tittied bar maid, Sam soon learns that while he was away, nearly every Hobbit in the Shire, as well as several Dwarfs & Orks, had banged her. He also has his hands full being the mayor & sheriff of the Shire. His biggest problems were his old friends Meriadoc & Pippin. The little pranks they liked to play have turned into full-blown felonies. Rumor has it that they are butt-buddies. Due to a very strange and highly suspicious incident, they now own the Golden Perch Inn. The previous owner, Dildo Baggins, was found hanging from a tree with a suicide note pinned to his chest.The tree he was found hanging in was none other than "Treebeard The Ent". The note left the Inn & all his possessions to Merry & Pippin, cutting out his wife & 8 kids. What made this suicide so suspicious lay in the fact Dildo Baggins was illiterate and his hands were tied behind his back. Trying to get to the bottom of this strange incident, Sam was about to interview Treebeard to determine how & why Dildo ended up swinging from one of his branches. Strangely, he suddenly disappeared, while at the same time, Merry & Pippin put the finishing touches on the finest outdoor patio you have ever seen. Another headache for Sam was another old friend, Gimli. He and several other Dwarfs would come to the Shire every couple of months to spend the money they earned working in the mines of Moria. Everyone knows this is bull-shit because the mines hadn't been producing in years. Sam surmised that the Dwarfs were most likely responsible for the raping & pillaging going on in Rohan as well as several bank robberies in Minas Tirith. When the Dwarfs got drunk, a lot of debauchery went on. Pippin has often been heard to say, "You haven't seen funny till you've seen a Dwarf bending a Hobbit over a toadstool and just giving it to her!" A particularly funny incident happened when Gimli, Pippin & Merry were out on the new wood patio reminiscing about old times-tossing back ale, chewing on salt pork and smoking scumper and Gimli asked, "Have you seen our old friend Treebeard lately?" When Pippin tells him they're standing on him, all three burst into fits of laughter.

ARAGON & GONDOR

Immediately after taking the throne of Gondor & marrying Arwen, Aragon knew he made a colossal mistake. Although she had a great set of tits, the nicest ass this side of Mordor & could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch, she was basically nothing but a tard. The son she bore him, Prince Sphïnktýr is pure fruitcake & wimp. Aragon is always thinking about that fine piece of ass Eowyn. There is many a time when he has thought about heading over to Rohan & seeing if Prince Faramir is into doing a wife swap. If not, he'll just kill him anyways and take Eowyn. After all, he is the king and can do whatever the fuck he wants.

MUCKLARS OF MIRKWOOD

Unbeknown to everyone, a real nasty tribe of creatures, the Mucklars, who live on the far side of Misty Mountains in Mirkwood, are preparing to cause some real havoc. They are preparing for a war that will make the battle at Helm's Deep look like a cluster fuck. The leader of the Mucklars is Fukemgüed. Fukemgüed is such a twisted & evil motherfucker, the Wraith is a choirboy in comparison.

PRELUDE TO ARMAGEDDON

With the return of Frodo, Gandalf, Legolas & Bilbo, some old animosities begin to rear their ugly heads. For example, the very minute Frodo sees Samwise, he begins to whimper & whine like the bitch he was in the previous three books. At that moment, Legolas asks Sam why the fuck he didn't throw the bitch into the fires along with the ring & Golum. Merry & Pippin begin to question the wisdom of some of their earlier decisions. You see Gandalf was very tight with Dildo Baggins & has been filled in on the suspicious circumstances surrounding his so called suicide. And he is beginning to suspect that the fine patio attached to the inn, is his old friend Treebeard. It isn't long before Bilbo is up to his old ways and is caught molesting his cousin Dildo's 8 orphaned children. Gandalf tears him a new asshole. Soon a messenger arrives from Gondor. Aragon says that an advancing army of Mucklars are approaching & he needs all the help he can get. The Rohanians have refused to help him because their beloved Prince Faramir was found face down in the Isen River & Eowen is now in a 3 way with Aragon & Arwen. They send the messenger back with a demand for $10,000 in gold up front or no deal. It seems Aragon stiffed them on the last big battle. Aragon readily agrees to these terms. Legolas says he is going to bring in a secret army and heads for Rivendell. There, in a hidden valley, is an off-shoot sect of Elf known as the "Phaggots of Phoggymire". These are the most utterly ruthless creatures in Middle Earth. The final battle is a mind-fuck with all the atrocities that are perpetrated by both sides.

                                               THE END