OPRAH'S BOOK CLUB

Here are the latest additions to the book club. With crime increasing at an exponential rate it has become clear that it is much easier to join into the felonious ideology of society, than try to do something to combat it. Therefore, Oprah has included some "how-to" books for entry level criminal behavior.

"GRINCHING-THE NEW XMAS SHOPPING"

The author of this book, Duane Chapman (not to be confused with the in-bred 'Dog the Bounty Hunter') is a seasoned criminal (just like 'Dog the Bounty Hunter'). With Christmas soon approaching, this is an invaluable book on how to obtain a shit-load of presents with just a fraction of the cost it would be to purchase them from a retail outlet. It is also a unique way to create family bonding and initiate your children into criminal entrepreneurship. Here are a few chapters from the book-

MALLS

• Because of increased security in the malls during the Xmas Season, shoplifting is extremely hazardous. And given the fact that 60% of the people in the malls are shoplifters, competition is intense.

• There is though, a great opportunity to initiate your younger children (8-12 year old) into entry level crime. Duane calls this the "Dash & Crash" crime. This is how this one works. Kids are very quick & agile, so the idea is for them to snatch the donation balls from the Salvation Army and "dash & crash" through the crowded malls to a prearranged exit. The beauty of this is that the donation balls are easy to locate because those guys are always ringing those fucking irritating bells and if the kid gets caught they can tell a story about dad being out of work, etc. etc. Besides, by today's standards, preteens have to literally murder someone before getting any time in "Juvie".
  

THE PARTY

• This is the what Duane calls his most cost effective crime endeavor. It does take some intricate planning, the outlay of some front money and the unknowing cooperation of your neighbors.

• As close to Christmas Day as possible you throw a party for your neighbors, ensuring you invite the most affluent. You will need to purchase some liquor, party trays and treats. You'll will also have to hire a magician and some bozo to play Santa Claus. The booze will ensure the dads will stay, the magician/Santa Claus will keep the kids entertained for a couple of hours.

• When all your neighbors are into the festivities, you send your teenagers out in the family van to break into their homes and steal their gifts. Teenagers have this innate ability to figure out exactly what is in a package by size and weight so there is no need to unwrap to find out what is in each package.

• Duane relates the story of a friend of his who actually went over to the neighbors the next day & said it was a good thing the party was at his house otherwise he might have been ripped off too. Then this guy told them he knew a guy who was into wholesale & could replace their stolen presents. The prick actually sold these people their own presents back at 50% of the retail price.
  

Oprah's said the entertainment value alone was worth the price of this book. She highly recommends this book for everyone.

FUN & PROFIT WITH ALZHEIMERS & RETARDATION

This was authored by Dr. Phil Goldstein, a close friend and confidante of Oprah. Even as twisted as I am, I found this book very objectionable. Dr. Phil says you can really profit through the exploitation of two vulnerable groups of individuals-the retarded and those suffering Alzheimers.

• he says retards can be talked into virtually anything. But he also says there is a narrow range when it comes to selecting your criminal protege'. You have to find one that is just smart enough follow simple instructions to pull off criminal activies, while at the same time not smart enough to tell the cops or authorities that you were the instigator. They are most effective in the capacity as a booster (shoplifter) of goods from stores. Dr. Phil says the simplest plan is to pick out the item you want to steal and have the tard hold it. You then go just outside the store and wait for him to come out with the item. If he makes it to you without getting stopped, your homefree. If he does get stopped, big deal, you can say he strayed off and was working on his own. People have a soft spot in their hearts for retards so they will almost be willing to allow the kid to walk out of the store with the shit.

• with Alzheimer afflicted people, the stakes are much higher but so are the pay-offs. And with these people there is also a narrow window of opportunity. They have to be at a stage where impairment allows you to manipulate them, but not to the point they are drooling and useless for criminal activities. The biggest pay-offs come from signing them up for credit cards and maxing them out as quickly as possible. They can also be used in a manner similar to the tards for shop-lifting sprees.

Included with the price of the book, Dr. Phil has included a handy GPS wristband so the next time the dip-shit goes out for milk and ends 300 miles from home in some truck stop, you'll be able locate them.

Oprah said this book was worth the price just for the pure amusement she got from it.

That's it for another blog. If you were offended, that was my objective! The words underlined in my blogs are ad links to my proud sponsors thru www.infolinks.com so please support them & me!