TWISTED TV SHOWS FOR 2010

TWISTED TV SHOWS  

 TODDLERS, TIARAS AND TUGGERS

This is a spin-off of TLC's Toddlers & Tiaras. The new twist to this show is that there is a dual competition. The toddlers are still trying to satisfy the pathological need of their mothers to live their lives vicariously through their daughters. But the added twist to this already sick and twisted show, is that the judges are made up of a panel of convicted pedophiles. The four judges will have their hands placed on top of the table. The winning judge is the one who resists 'tugging' on his pecker longer than the other judges.

 DANCING WITH BEARS 

A very simple, basic and potentially fatal formula. There is a penned up grizzly, a contestant who is provided with a .22 caliber rifle containing one bullet, a hundred yards of snow covered terrain and a tree.  The contestant has a 50 yard head start then the grizzly is tasered in the nuts and the pen door is opened. To win $10,000 the contestant has only to reach and climb the tree before the grizzly over takes and slaughters him. Now there are several options for the runner-

1. He can try to take out the bear with the single .22 bullet. 
2. After further enraging the bear with a minor bullet wound, he can try to club the bear into submission with the butt of the rifle.
3. He can completely abandon any attempt to use the rifle and run straight to the tree and climb it. This would be a tall order. The fastest any human has run under optimal conditions is 23 mph. The contestant will be wearing boots, winter gear and running through knee high snow. The average speed of a bear who has had his nuts tasered is 65 mph. Now add 10 more mph when he has been pissed off by a guy who has shot at it him, you have an unsurmountable disadvantage to the contestant.
4. The contestant can curl up into a ball and shit his pants. Bears have an aversion to eating anything that is covered in human excrement although no test have been done with bears who have had 10,000 volts shot through their testicles.

GARTH THE RETARD

SuperGarth

Before getting into today's subject I have to qualify my position and expertise on this subject. I've been professionally involved for many years in the mental health field. Two year into my college education, I took a summer job in a facility for the mentally handicap. It was like stepping into an episode of 'The Twilight Zone'. A humorous episode, but still the twilight zone! The shit I witnessed, both literally and figuratively,  was beyond description and comprehension.

After completing college and post-graduate work, I decided to dedicate my life to making a difference in the lives of these individuals. What a colossal waste of fucking time.

Let me make this so clear that even a retard can understand my position. There's an old saying-You can put lipstick and make-up on a pig, but at the end of the day, it will still be a pig (or it might be Oprah or Ellen)!!

This also applies to the mentally retarded. No matter what you do to change them, such as giving them hours and hours of training or mainstreaming them into the school system, at the end of the day, they're still retarded.


Before you go ballistic and think I'm nothing but an insensitive prick, just use some common sense and objectivity when you read this hilarious tale. Although I have said that this is a parody, much of this story is based on fact. There are approximately 2.5 million retards in the U.S., and besides a few token mongoloids you see on TV or in movies, how many famous retards are there? Sure, you have Sean Penn and Nicolas Cage but who else has made it? Paris Hilton? It doesn't take a rocket scientist to party and suck cock. How about basketball/football players you may ask? I'm referring to people who actually contribute to society, so these over paid gang bangers don't count unless you're a retard who idolizes these cretins.

Miss Retard USA 2011

There are some very rude people in today's society who have a need and a deep desire to denigrate these poor unfortunates. Referring to them as tards, mongos, pea-brains, dip-shits, fuck-heads, jerk-offs, shit heads, etc. To the vast majority of my professional colleagues, it is plain, simple and very straight forward-they're "Retards".

As difficult as it is to work with retards, you have these cock suckers who have this need to make things more difficult by changing the playing field! Especially when it comes to diagnosing and classifying the many different mental disabilities. This is problem is exacerbated by the 'politically correct' bullshit that has fucked things up royally.


Because of this need to be PC, mental health professionals have found it necessary  to continually change the terminology when it comes to retards. For example, let's take the term mongoloid. How the fuck was this offensive?  The worst case scenario would be if you're a Mongolian and someone mistakes you for a mongoloid. I guess this would be a mind-fuck for sure.

So guess what happens to the term Mongoloid. This prick comes along and decided it was better to say they have "Downs Syndrome". So who the fuck has "Ups Syndrome"?


The worst offenders are these do-gooder community organizations, especially Community Living International. They call themselves advocates for the retarded sector of our society. Do you want to know what an advocate really is? They're the pricks who stand on the side-lines telling everyone else how to do their job. And do they ever do any hands-on work? Not on your fucking life!


I had an encounter with one of these groups recently. They were incensed when I referred to the retards as being 'disabled'. They said they preferred this absurd term 'differently-abled'. I said using the word 'differently-abled' has the connotation that they're able to do something constructive and actually contribute to society. There isn't much demand in the work force for people whose resume includes shitting their pants and/or jerking-off or butt-fucking! One of the members of Community Living said I shouldn't be working with these 'people'! First I said that she as being generous by referring to them as 'people'! Then I added-" I wished the fuck you should have told me this years ago. If I had been working with real 'people' I'd be making a 6 figure salary! So go fuck yourself!"


Besides, it really doesn't matter what you call them because they are much too stupid to care or give a shit. Look at the guy pictured below. Do you think he has anything to worry about? Does he give two shits when it comes to what he is called to his face?

Garth Busey

Let's get to the main topic-Garthism. Having worked in the capacity as a therapist in several institutes, I have come in contact with literally thousands of retards. For whatever reason, at least 80% of them were named 'Garth'. What is even more surprising and intriguing, 15% of them were females!  Several of my colleagues and I were discussing this fact at a weekend retreat for psychologists. After an evening of some very heavy pharmaceutical drug use, followed by copious amounts of vodka and scotch, we made an attempt to hypothesize the reasons and causes of this phenomenon. These were the questions, answers and scenarios we discussed.

• Did the parents know the kid was retarded the minute they laid eyes on it? "Gee, look honey, the kid is retarded! I guess we have to name him Garth!"

• At the moment of birth, the parents excitedly ask-"Doctor, is it a girl or a boy?" The doctor and the nurse both take a good hard look and tell the parents-"It is neither, it's a fucking 'Garth'!  To which the husband replies-"Ah, shit, not another one, we got to quit fucking honey!" 

Garth Heisenberg

Is it possible that the name Garth is capable of causing retroactive retardation? In 2010, Dr. Heinrich Weizer published a book entitled "Who The Fuck Would Name Their Kid Garth?" In this book, he talks about an actual case study he was involved with while working at the prestigious Klinghoffer Behavioral Science Clinic. This clinic is affiliated with the Harvard Medical School. The case involved the son of Marissa and George Heisenberg. In 1980, they gave birth to a son. It soon became apparent to everyone that this was a child prodigy. For reasons of their own, the Heisenbergs decided to wait till the child was four years old before giving him a first name.

 In the interim, he was referred to as 'Baby Hebe' by friends and family. This child was extremely gifted. He could play several musical instruments by the time he was two. He was fluent in several language and could do complex math and algebra functions.

Things came crashing down the day after his fourth birthday. 'Baby Hebe' was sitting at the piano playing Mendelson's Piano Concerto in B Flat, when he stopped and said to his parent-"Mother and father, I want to thank you for the wonderful party you had for me yesterday. And I want to thank for the wonder life you have provided for me. To repay for this wonderful opportunity, I plan on becoming a research scientist and curing cancer. I'm also going to become rich and famous and take care of you both. All I ask of you is one more thing. What name have you decided to give me?"

Both parents, bursting with pride, decided that it was the perfect time to give him the name they had thought long and hard before coming to a decision. "Son", said his proud father." your mother and I have decided on the name Garth". And the second the word left his lips, the kid instantly lost all his bodily functions, shitting and pissing his pants and drooling like a mongoloid. He then began to demolish the entire house and contents. Nothing but totally incomprehensible gibberish was coming from his mouth. He was immediate institutionalized, unable to do anything on his own except jerk-off and play with his own feces. Is this proof to confirm the retro-active retardation theorem? My colleagues think that is a distinct possibility!

Famous Irishman Garth McGarth

Here is another fact concerning the retards named Garth. They were by far the most vicious and violent patients I have ever worked with. Piss them off and they'll tear off your head and shit down your neck. They also possess an innate ability for stalking and hunting targets they wanted to destroy.

This is a true story, For several years I worked extensively with a Garth who could become nearly invisible while on a search and destroy mission. Even a brightly lit hallway, devoid of doorways or furniture to hide behind, was of no challenge to his chameleon-like abilities. You wouldn't know he was there until a thundering punch would completely shatter every bone in your face.




They also have a pain threshold that is off the scale! And they completely indestructible and  impervious to injury. I have seen 7 or 8 attendants take down a Garth and try to subdue him by putting their boots to his head only to have the Garth jump up with a grin on his face and begin to tear the attendants apart.


There is nothing more awe inspiring than to watch two Garths going at it, toe to toe, for seven or eight hours-busting tables, chairs, TV sets over each others heads. In one staged battle (downloadable on Youtube), two Garths were actually using other patients as clubs to pummel each other.

If the government could train these guys for warfare, you could send 10 Garths out on a Search and Destroy mission and you would be guaranteed a 100% success rate. If Roosevelt had unleashed a thousand Garths on Japan, he wouldn't have had to nuke them back to the stone-age!

LEAGUE OF SUPER RETARDS

"XY CHROMOSOME-MEN" 

WARNING-EXTREMELY OFFENSIVE

What is more dangerous than extremely pissed off grizzly bear? Give up? It's a  high-functioning retard who is fucked-up on a shit load of psychotropic medications. Many people ask why I write a lot of parody and satire on retards. In fact, they ask why I gratuitously use the word retard? I look at it this way. They don't give a shit because they're retarded, so why does anyone else? And they owe society for giving them a carefree, cushy life while the rest of us bust our balls trying to pay bills and put food on our own tables. So why not get a little bit of hilarity at their expense? Besides, they're having nothing but a lot of fucking fun! I'm of like mind with Trey Parker and Matt Stone when it comes to retards. How many retards do you know who are self-supporting, pay taxes and contribute to society, other than George Bush and Kanye West? For many years, I was actively involved in rehabilitation and training programs that were intended to make retards functioning individuals in our society. A very frustrating experience. Just when you thought it was safe to take one of these individuals on a job interview, the kid would start jerking-off in the front of the receptionist. Not a very auspicious start to the job process! And wasting all this money on job training was as pointless and counter-productive as Oprah going on another diet. These guys will never be homeless, hungry or employed anyways, so why bother? If one retard can write me an intelligible and decipherable letter complaining, I will quit writing about them. Until then, fuck 'em. Ah fuck, I went off on a tirade again instead of getting down to the business of parody and satire.


So here is an adventure I am sure you are going to enjoy, especially if you are a sick and twisted individual. I again give my standard warning, if you are offended, I really don't give a shit. There are a lot of other bloggers out there who have really interesting stuff for pussies and faggots. Muriel has one on how she gets up and makes her little darlings muffins before sending them off to school. Just fucking great hey?

CHAPTER ONE

The herd of retards were aimlessly milling about the room, crashing into each other and the walls. They had just completed another day of intensive work training which included watching videos, snack break, more videos, lunch break, nap time, cookie break then more videos. In fact, they had just watched their favorite movie for the 300th time, 'X-Men'. This movie was going to be the inspiration for the deadly and perilous adventure they were about to embark on. Getting sick and tired of this display, the biggest and most imposing retard, Garth, decided to take control of the situation and get the meeting started.

"Okay guys, sit down and shut the fuck up! As the newly elected president of our club, I want to get this meeting started." he screamed. To get their attention, he picked up a chair and smashed it over the head of Ronald. As is typical of any retard, after being smashed over the head, Ronald grabbed his ankle and moaned in pain. Even the other retards were cognizant of the absurdity of this and began howling in laughter.

"Who made you King Retard?" protested Nathan, looking around the room as the other retards nodded in agreement. "And what makes you think you can tell us what to do?"

Garth, who had the personality of a Hun and the diplomatic acumen of Idi Amin, approached Nathan and delivered a crushing blow to the side of his head.

Looking around at the now pacified retards, Garth asked "Does anyone else have any questions?" Seeing that the room was now silent and in total agreement with his self-election as president, he continued. "We had two meetings already. Now we talked about becoming a motorcycle gang but we don't have any motorcycles. We also discussed being movie stars. I talked to my dad and he says they already have lots of retards in the movies like Sean Penn, Nicolas Cage, Robert Downey and Seth Rogen. He says we should be super heroes. And God willing, maybe some of us will get killed. I can't figure it out what he meant when he said that. You guys wanna be super heroes?"

Every hand went up except three. Harold and Ryder were busy jerking each other off. And Reggie's, because he couldn't tell the difference between his legs and his arms. Attempting to raise his leg above his head, he lost his balance and crashed through the window. The other retards raced to the window to see how he was doing. Reggie had crashed through the windshield of the Handicap Bus. By the amount of blood pooling, it was obviously that Reggie was in a serious situation. None of the retards bothered to call to the care-givers for assistance, but instead, returned to the meeting in process.


"Okay you assholes, get back to your seats!" screamed Garth. He was thoroughly disgusted by the fact they had already lost a Super Hero and they haven't seen one day of action! "Tomorrow, I want you come dressed as your favorite super hero."

The retards returned to their milling about the room until Jackson, the biggest and meanest caregiver, came into the room. He dropped the nearest retard to get their attention.

"It's time for you worthless pieces of shit to get the fuck out of my face and get on the bus!" he screamed. Where the hell has Reggie gotten too?" he asked.

They all pointed to the shattered window. Jackson raced to the window and saw Reggie's legs sticking out of the windshield.

"Fuck me! I'm going to be filling out forms for a week!" screamed Jackson as he ran for the door.

CHAPTER TWO 

The next day they met, all decked out in their favorite costume. The obligatory Supermen, Batmen and Spidermen. But there were a few surprises. Leon was dressed as Barbie, Mason was Freddie Kruger. Harold and Ryder were buck-naked and were jerking each other off! They were all chattering and giggling like a bunch of little girls and this was really starting to piss off Garth.


"Guy's! Shut the fuck up and lets get started. I got some really good news. Jamie's dad bought him a police band radio. Know what that means?" asked Garth. Not one of the dough heads had a response. "We can listen in on the cops and find out where the crimes are happening!"

The door opened and Jackson and another care-giver named Orville entered the room. Jackson had a mini-cam in his hand and Orville was carrying a lap-top. Having worked with retards for a long time, neither was surprised by the outfits they were wearing.

"All right, gentlemen. Today is Wednesday, so you all know what that means, right?" asked Jackson.

"Today is YouTube Day!" they all screamed in excitement.

"That's right boys. Time to pair up and start pounding the shit out of each other. And remember, the guys who get the most hits on Youtube by the end of the week, get a whole box of Oreo cookies," explained Orville.


CHAPTER THREE

They were gathered on the roof of a fourteen story building. Gary was showing off the modifications his father had made to his Spiderman costume. Duct taped to each of his wrists was a turkey baster filled with Elmer's Wood Glue. The other Super Heroes were totally jealous. "My dad says I will be able to fly through the air just like the real Spiderman! Shooting out webs and swinging from building to building!" said Gary, bursting with uncontainable excitement.

Garth was enraged by the fact that Gary was in the spot light and was ready to tear the smart-ass, mother fucking mongoloid a new asshole. But instead, he decided to show his leadership by asking Gary to give a demonstration.


Backing away from the edge, Gary took off as fast as he could. Waddling like a duck with a broken leg, Gary ran at full speed. Reaching the edge of the roof, he leaped off the edge and aimed his spider webs at the building across the street. A couple of blobs of Elmer's glue dribbled out of the turkey basters as Gary tumbled over and over again. His death scream could be heard for miles, echoing off the buildings. He hit a transit bus at terminal velocity then bounced 20 feet in the air. He ended up skewered on a decorative fence around the Starbucks. "That's gotta fucking hurt!" said a waitress, setting down a couple of cappuccinos on one of the tables.


CHAPTER SEVEN 

The superheroes were standing just outside the police cordon. They had picked up the news on the police band radio about the hostage situation at the bank. One of the patrolmen had spotted them and had gone to warn his Sarge. "I hate to tell you this Sarge," he whispered, "but those fucking super retards are here."

Glancing over at them, he responded in anger. "I am getting sick and tired of them always showing up at these crime scenes. Those do-gooders and the press may think they're all so cutesy and everything, but I gotta tell you, they piss me off as much as they creep me out. Try and keep them out of harms way, for chrissakes!" he said in exasperation.

The Super Retards were discussing their plan of attack. They were arguing over who was going to get all the glory by saving all the hostages and killing the bank robbers. Finally, Garth decided to make an executive decision. It was going to be Harold, 'The Flame' who was to be today's hero. "Okay Harold, here is the plan. You are going to run in the bank and use your super flame powers to subdue the bank robbers, okay?"

"I will be making everyone very proud of me," drooled the tub of shit in an ill-fitting costume. "Help me get ready, will you?"

Ronald took a five gallon can of gasoline and poured nearly the entire contents on Harold. He then handed him the can. "The Flame's" cheeks bulged out with gasoline as he took a mouth full. Handing Harold a Bic lighter, Garth told him the rest of the plan.

"As soon as you get in the bank, shoot the flames out your mouth and torch the bank robbers. All the hostages will be free to run out. We'll gather around you so the newspaper men can take our pictures. You guys. If were lucky maybe one of the pretty teller ladies will even fuck us," explained Garth, suddenly getting a huge boner as he thought about corn-holing a woman who wasn't retarded enough to eat bugs and shit.

This got the retards to giggling like little girls again. They then began to high-five each other. Each of them pitching a major tent in their costumes!

"Can we count on you Harold?" asked a concerned Garth, "We don't want another fuck up like the Spiderman incident!"

"Don't worry, fellas. You can count on me," he said proudly. He then burst into a coughing fit. "Ah fuck, I swallowed the gas, give me another swig Ronald!"

Reporters, police and witnesses were extremely shaken by what followed. Their recollections were somewhat hazy, except for the fact that the twentyfour hostages and all the bank robbers were burnt to death. But the basic facts were all the same. First they smelled the overwhelming odor of gasoline, then they saw a figure running towards the bank like a retarded duck or goose. Then there was a huge swooshing noise then a tremendous explosion that blew out the front of the bank. The entire structure was enveloped in an inferno.

 "Well men," said a really pissed off Garth, "looks like Harold really fucked up.  We aren't going to be heroes today, goddamn it!"

"I guess we aren't going to get fucked either?"asked Bradley, the crime fighting "Chickenman".Not having the conceptual capabilities to realize the tellers were now just crispy critters.


That's the end of the first installment. In the next excerpt, the boys break into a gun shop and get into an armed stand-off with the police.

JONAZ BROTHERZ FAN KLUB NEWZ

 NEWZ AND GOOZE FROM SUZE!

Hi, gurlz and faggotz, it's Suzey, prez of the Jonaz Brotherz Fan Klub. Here is the latest kewl stuff on our heroes and mega-stars! I've received lots of emails which I am going to share with you. I have also been texting and sexting, gathering the latest info on the dreamy, creamy trio. Here is a pic of me and my boyfriend, Garth. As you can see, he is such a dream-boat! Some of you gurlz have asked me-"How can I find a dreamy guy like Garth?" One of the best places is at the Special Olympics. And they ask how to do keep him? One of the best ways gurlz is to suck their peckers a lot!

FAN MAIL

•  My ex-BFF, Carey-Anne, who is 13 (but acts like a retarded 8), says she read that Kevin lost his virginity in Nick's hand. What a cunt! I'm going to kick that fucking bitch out of our Klub for saying something that nasty.

• This is tooo kewl gurlz! Jessica, 11 and lives in New York, wonders if you have heard the best news ever! Joe has removed his Purity Ring!!! Gurlz, do you know what this means? We can get back to fucking the Seniors in the locker room during recess. Jessica wonders if blow-jobs were included in the "Purity Ring Vow"? No they weren't because the Boyz are totally into blow-jobs.

• La Queeta, who is a 14 year old Afro-Negro, emailed and asked if she can start a Jonaz Brotherz Fan Club in Compton? What do you say gurlz? Do you think the Boyz would want gurlz of other persuasions coming to their concerts? I think as long as they don't go 'jungle' while at concerts and act like real ladies it should be fine. Do send me your emails. Personally, I think it would be sooo kewl and sooo radical if we were into being soooo non-racists.

• Contrary to what that mean, nasty hooked nosed Jew, Howard Stern, told his audience, Joe & Nick haven't been diagnosed with the "latent homosexuality gene". The reason they were seen with their hands in each others pants was cuz they were checking to make sure they didn't have "mumps"!! So there you hooked-nose faggot!

• Britney M. is15 and lives in Montecito, CA, has some scary news about Nick! He recently spent some time in a  L.A. hospital. But don't worry gurlz, he's OK. That fucking jizz-bitch, cum-guzzler, Paris Hilton, played a nasty trick on the Boyz. She planted her bare butt against the window of their Tour Bus. None of the Boyz have seen "pressed beaver" never, ever before. Nick thought for sure it was a 'face-hugger' from that really creepy, scary movie Alien! He was sooooo shocked, the ambulance man said he had to bitch-slap him several times to bring him to his senses. I could just kill that jizz-breath Paris! Who joins me in these sentiments? KEWL! 

• Lacey K., who is 13 and lives in Boca Raton FLA., says that when the Boyz were recently introduced to the super tall, very large Negro, Shaquille O'Neal, Joe really upset the Shaq. "They sure grow the Negroes big in this part of the world! exclaimed Joe. The Miami chapter of our kewl club says Joe should be out of the hospital in a week after reconstructive surgery for a totally crushed skull in this unprovoked "racial incident". Maybe we should reconsider La Queeta's request to start a Club in Compton. We know how violent and sexually aroused these 'people' get when they hear the Boyz play their music. Can you imagine what they would do to the Boyz if they saw them in concert. EEEEEEEEWWWWWWWW!!!!

•  Did anyone see the Boyz on Larry King, Kevin said he felt really sorry for Miley Cyrus. He saw her naked and she must have been in an accident and lost her wiener! 

• Marisa T., President of the NY Chapter, said the Brothers volunteered to do a benefit concert for a major charity next month. The NAMBLA president said they have had to move the event from the the Shriners Hall to Madison Square Gardens because the overwhelming ticket demands from members of the club. The door prize will be a romantic get away with the Brother of choice! They sure sound like such a kewl club.

• Joe called 911 recently telling the operator he might be dead and rigor mortis is setting in. Turned out Joe had his first erection!

Well, my fellow mini-whores, that's it for todays latest on the J.B.s Catch ya all next time. Suzey Scremecheese!!