See http://cruderudecomedy.blogspot.com/ for revised and re-edited version of these stories!
Recently, a diary was found that had belonged to the famed gorilla researcher Dian Fossey. It is a very telling glimpse into a woman who obviously had some issue with her relationship with her beloved apes. Isolation, paranoia and the lack of human contact twisted her perception of society. Here are a few pages from the diary.
May 19
Yet another civil war has forced me to move from my home base and leave my "family". You need a score card to keep track of which spearchucker is in charge.
May 30
June 10
There are 52 members in this group. They have displayed some really strange behaviors. The 12 adult males are brutal and sadistic in nature. I have yet to determine which of these males is the leader.
June 18
Well, I have determined which of the males is the leader and I have named him "Oscar Meyer" because he has a huge wiener. The 12 males will be referred to as the posse in this report. They are very similar to human males in that they are lazy and spend most of the day sleeping or "jacking-it". And it seems getting some pussy is a priority! They also force the younger, weaker males forage for food for them.
June 27
July 1
I have gradually let my presence be known to the group and they do not seem to mind my close proximity to them. This will aid in my observation of behaviors.
July 9
Oscar Meyer is one sick fuck. Today he put on a performance that I am sure was for my benefit. In a clearing not far from my own camp, he had 3 females who took turns giving him oral sex. The entire time he was getting blown, he maintained direct eye contact with me. I swear to Christ he was actually winking at me and he had this shit-eating grin on his face.
July 15
Today the "posse" was acting more bizarre then usual. I soon realized that they were intoxicated from eating fruit that had fermented in the sun. They spent 1/2 the day in a drunken brawl and then they turned their attention to a female and gang-banged her!
August 1
Today began as one of the most frightening and terrifying days I have ever had while in Africa. I had just emerged from my tent and immediately, the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. 20 yards in front of my tent was the "posse" forming a semi-circle. I was frozen in fear and it crossed my mind that I was about to die. That is until Oscar Meyer slowly approached me with an offering of a banana. My experience has taught me that when an ape is offering food, it is a gesture of good-will and friendship. Relief flooded over me but it was fleeting. I noticed that the banana had been sprinkled with leaf flakes from the Ubangi Shrub. The effects of this plant is similar to "roofies" and "spanish fly". My heart sank. There was going to be another gang-bang and I was going to be the gang-bangee! Using all my inner strength, I willed myself to be calm, otherwise I may never get out of this.
Using gestures and rudimentary sign language I conveyed to Oscar Meyer that if the boys wanted to "party", they should give me a few minutes to fix myself up. I reached behind me and pulled out a silky black negligee and held it up. This had the effect I was hoping for. The boys began to hoot and holler and all had major wood. Oscar Meyer nodded to me and I slipped back into my tent and closed the flaps.
With calculated precision, I slipped 2 boxes out from under my cot. One contained a .44 cal. S & W and the other was my trusty Glock. I loaded the S & W with special wad-cutter slugs. enough fire power to put 6 inch hole in an elephant. I put a clip if hollow points in the Glock and slipped a speed loader and extra clip into my pocket. Peeking through the slit in the flaps, I was relieved to see that they had remained where they were. Oscar Meyer would have to be taken out first. I raised the Glock & without opening the flap I got off 2 quick shots getting the cock-sucker dead center in the chest. With the S & W, I capped the 2 on either side of him.
When I burst from the tent, the rest of the posse broke for the trees. Luck was with me for they remained in a tight group as they ran. I emptied both guns, knocking down 5 more. The last 4 ran up the same tree. This was going to be like shooting fish in a barrel.
I reloaded both guns and couldn't resist yelling at them-"How's it feel to be the ones being fucked over?" At this point, 2 of them began to fling shit at me. If I was pissed before, I was now fuming. This was now going to be fun. I methodically brought the remaining 4 down.
This much gun fire was sure to attract unwanted attention, so I had to pack up fast and get the fuck out of there. I would have loved to stick around and see the confusion on the faces of the rest of the group when these 12 assholes failed to return. They were much better off anyway.
August 20
The civil war is over and I am back home with my beloved Silverback Gorillas. The adventures I experienced in Zaire will have to remain a secret between me and my diary. Those bleeding hearts at The National Geographic Society may not approve of the frontier justice I meted out, but fuck them.
August 30
On my return to Uganda, my long time boyfriend, Shemp, surprised me with a marriage proposal. I am so giddy with happiness. We plan on honeymooning in Uganda as guest of Idi Amin. He is quite a nice chap, but I hope Shemp doesn't get jealous, me and Idi had a fling many years ago.
September 14
This is way too funny. I got a letter from the National Geographic Society. They have asked me to go to Zaire and help investigate the slaughter of 15 rare Congolese Apes.
I sure wished that chimp had fucked me instead of eating my face!!
ReplyDeleteOh my god. That comment is even way too sick by even my standards. I did not write that comment do I think I would ever write something like that. doc
ReplyDelete