WACKY WORLD OF NEW-AGE DRUGS

As a society, we have grown increasingly dependent on the pharmaceutical companies to come up with quick-fixes for all our shortcomings & medical problems. Nobody gives a fuck about trying to maintain a healthy mind and body through proper diet, exercise and common-sense. Therefore, these drug companies have made a fortune from the lazy, fat-ass ways of our nation. Here is a list of new "wonder-drugs" that will be hitting the market soon.

PHALIX

It was originally developed as a herbicide (a derivative of Agent Orange) by the CIA. Gardeners & landscapers were given permission to use it in 2003. Almost from the first day these lawn jockeys began using this product they began to notice a massive increase in the size of their cocks! In fact for some of these guys, it became necessary to have an extra leg added to their pants. This anomaly was traced back to Phalix.

SIDE EFFECTS

Unexpected erections accompanied by repetitive ejaculations. In some cases, hospitalization was necessary to provide emergency IV treatment. Some men experienced fainting and dizzy spells due to a massive drop in blood pressure. An estimated 1/3 of the total blood supply is diverted to these massive erections. Many of the men had to resort to using a 2-handed jacking-off technique because they couldn't fit their member into a vagina!


WARNING

Pedro Hernandez, a gardener in Roanoake, Virginia foolishly duct taped his 29" schlong to his leg in an effort to conceal it & keep it from slapping against his leg. His employer, Mary Lipton, made the mistake of entering into a conversation with Pedro while going bra-less and wearing a thin T-shirt. His violent and unexpected erection brought his leg up, resulting in a direct kick to her box which drove her back 20 yards into her swimming pool!

PUBITRIX-PM

Originally developed as a medication to alleviate some of the debilitating effects of menopause. By chance, it was discovered to have a miraculous hair growth benefit in men. This unexpected benefit was discovered by Seth Rogain of Vancouver, B.C. It has been pointed out that Seth is somewhat of a tard. Consequently, it turns out that he had been taken his wife prescription medications instead of Tylenol. "I couldn't figure out why these fucking head-aches were persisting and I had hair sprouting out all over my body," he told his doctor. The doctor traced it to the Pubirix-PM. In test trials, there was a rapid hair growth in 100% of the men that it was tested on.

SIDE EFFECTS

Although hair growth is guaranteed there are some drawbacks. This hair is similar to pubic hair in kinkiness, texture and odor. Consequently, your entire body will be covered in a peckerhair-like growth! If you don't bath frequently, you will soon exude an odor similar to your crotch after doing a marathon on a very hot day! You will also need to keep a large supply of Trac II Razors & shaving cream in stock. Otherwise, your friends and neighbors will mistake you for the "Missing Link" or that annoying fucking caveman in the TV commercials.

WARNING

There is a 99% chance your nuts will shrivel up and fall off, but at least you won't be bald!

X-TACY RX

This is the latest in mood altering drugs. Clinical tests have shown the drug effective in relieving patients of depression, anxiety, agitation & stress. Every patient said they noticed an immediate loss of all the above mentioned emotional problems that were ruining their lives. They slept well, we're able to cope with everyday problems and concerns, including the panic and indecisiveness that was destroying their lives.

SIDE EFFECTS

Nearly everyone of the test subjects said they also experienced a total loss of inhibitions. Many of the women acted on overwhelming impulses such as blowing complete strangers at anytime or anywhere, such as restaurants, malls, etc. even in the presence of their children. In men there were reports of guys pulling multiple bank robberies. Spontaneously beating the living shit out of their boss. Trying to fuck their secretaries during board meetings.

WARNING

The most public & well known test subject was a CEO of a major company. This gentleman whipped out his cock and began jacking-off in front of 300 employees during a presentation lecture introducing his new additions to the MicroSoft line of products.


SEVERE WARNING

One major side-effect of all these medications is being withheld by the manufacturers. This is a severe "anal leakage" problem. Drug companies are well aware of the fact that people don't give a shit if these medications drive them nuts, lead to suicide or homicide or even having their nuts fall off. But if they find out they may inadvertently shit their pants, the fucking jig is up and nobody, but nobody will take these medications.

That is it for my offensive blog for another day. You can support both me and my sponsors, through my affiliation with www.infolinks, by patronizing my ad links which are the underlined words in my blog. thanks!

OPRAH'S BOOK CLUB

Here are the latest additions to the book club. With crime increasing at an exponential rate it has become clear that it is much easier to join into the felonious ideology of society, than try to do something to combat it. Therefore, Oprah has included some "how-to" books for entry level criminal behavior.

"GRINCHING-THE NEW XMAS SHOPPING"

The author of this book, Duane Chapman (not to be confused with the in-bred 'Dog the Bounty Hunter') is a seasoned criminal (just like 'Dog the Bounty Hunter'). With Christmas soon approaching, this is an invaluable book on how to obtain a shit-load of presents with just a fraction of the cost it would be to purchase them from a retail outlet. It is also a unique way to create family bonding and initiate your children into criminal entrepreneurship. Here are a few chapters from the book-

MALLS

• Because of increased security in the malls during the Xmas Season, shoplifting is extremely hazardous. And given the fact that 60% of the people in the malls are shoplifters, competition is intense.

• There is though, a great opportunity to initiate your younger children (8-12 year old) into entry level crime. Duane calls this the "Dash & Crash" crime. This is how this one works. Kids are very quick & agile, so the idea is for them to snatch the donation balls from the Salvation Army and "dash & crash" through the crowded malls to a prearranged exit. The beauty of this is that the donation balls are easy to locate because those guys are always ringing those fucking irritating bells and if the kid gets caught they can tell a story about dad being out of work, etc. etc. Besides, by today's standards, preteens have to literally murder someone before getting any time in "Juvie".
  

THE PARTY

• This is the what Duane calls his most cost effective crime endeavor. It does take some intricate planning, the outlay of some front money and the unknowing cooperation of your neighbors.

• As close to Christmas Day as possible you throw a party for your neighbors, ensuring you invite the most affluent. You will need to purchase some liquor, party trays and treats. You'll will also have to hire a magician and some bozo to play Santa Claus. The booze will ensure the dads will stay, the magician/Santa Claus will keep the kids entertained for a couple of hours.

• When all your neighbors are into the festivities, you send your teenagers out in the family van to break into their homes and steal their gifts. Teenagers have this innate ability to figure out exactly what is in a package by size and weight so there is no need to unwrap to find out what is in each package.

• Duane relates the story of a friend of his who actually went over to the neighbors the next day & said it was a good thing the party was at his house otherwise he might have been ripped off too. Then this guy told them he knew a guy who was into wholesale & could replace their stolen presents. The prick actually sold these people their own presents back at 50% of the retail price.
  

Oprah's said the entertainment value alone was worth the price of this book. She highly recommends this book for everyone.

FUN & PROFIT WITH ALZHEIMERS & RETARDATION

This was authored by Dr. Phil Goldstein, a close friend and confidante of Oprah. Even as twisted as I am, I found this book very objectionable. Dr. Phil says you can really profit through the exploitation of two vulnerable groups of individuals-the retarded and those suffering Alzheimers.

• he says retards can be talked into virtually anything. But he also says there is a narrow range when it comes to selecting your criminal protege'. You have to find one that is just smart enough follow simple instructions to pull off criminal activies, while at the same time not smart enough to tell the cops or authorities that you were the instigator. They are most effective in the capacity as a booster (shoplifter) of goods from stores. Dr. Phil says the simplest plan is to pick out the item you want to steal and have the tard hold it. You then go just outside the store and wait for him to come out with the item. If he makes it to you without getting stopped, your homefree. If he does get stopped, big deal, you can say he strayed off and was working on his own. People have a soft spot in their hearts for retards so they will almost be willing to allow the kid to walk out of the store with the shit.

• with Alzheimer afflicted people, the stakes are much higher but so are the pay-offs. And with these people there is also a narrow window of opportunity. They have to be at a stage where impairment allows you to manipulate them, but not to the point they are drooling and useless for criminal activities. The biggest pay-offs come from signing them up for credit cards and maxing them out as quickly as possible. They can also be used in a manner similar to the tards for shop-lifting sprees.

Included with the price of the book, Dr. Phil has included a handy GPS wristband so the next time the dip-shit goes out for milk and ends 300 miles from home in some truck stop, you'll be able locate them.

Oprah said this book was worth the price just for the pure amusement she got from it.

That's it for another blog. If you were offended, that was my objective! The words underlined in my blogs are ad links to my proud sponsors thru www.infolinks.com so please support them & me!

OVAL OFFICE ANTICS

Over the years we have found out that the White House, and in particular the Oval Office, has not been the edifice of decorum and statesmanship it was thought to be. Here are some examples of the shenanigans that have gone on there.

Let's look at a day in the life of Bill Clinton & Al Gore.

Bill-"Well, Al, looks like "hummergate" is not going to go away."

Al-"No shit, that fucking Starr is one ball-buster, what are you're plans?"

Bill-"I got an idea. Mary, could you get me Ted Kennedy's office. Hey, Ted how's it going? This is Bill. Bill Clinton! You know the President of the United States! (hand over mouth piece he talks to Al) The fuckers drunk at 10 in the morning. No, Ted I can't come over for a drink! Whatta mean where are you? Ted, you must be in your office, that's where your phone is! Ted, I got some nasty shit going down with the Lewinsky thing and I was wondering how JFK handled the situation with Marilyn Munroe? Ted I'm sorry. Quit crying please! I know it must be tough knowing your the only Kennedy not to fuck Marilyn Munroe! Look Ted I got to go!

Al-"What was that about?"

Bill-"Remind never to bring up that shit about Marilyn again. Ted can't get over the fact that Jack & Robert wouldn't let him bang her."

Mary on intercom-"Mr. Clinton, Sen. McClusky on line 2."

Bill-"Oh, Christ, what's this asshole want now?

Al-"Bet he's going to ask you to let him start drilling for oil in Yosemite again."

Bill-"How's it going Jim? No I don't have time for you this afternoon. Al and I are interviewing some interns. They have passed the written test, so now comes the "oral" test if you get my drift! No, I told you before, you can't fucking drill for oil in a god-damn National Park. Good-bye!"

And now we have George Bush Jr. & Dick Cheney. They're polishing and cleaning shotguns in preparation for an upcoming grouse hunt.

George-"It's going to be nice to blow the living shit out of something!"

Intercom-"Mr. Bush, your dad's on the phone."

George-"Hi, daddy, how's mommy? Yes, I got your list for things I got to do this week. Can't I make any decisions as President? Yes, daddy, bye daddy. (Hangs up phone). COCK-SUCKER!!

Intercom-"Mr. Bush, Sen. McClusky on the phone."

George-"Wonder what he wants?"

Dick-"Wants to ask you if he can start drilling in Yosemite."

George-"Hey Jim, what's happening? What am I up to? Me and Dick are polishing up the shotguns. What's that? (Hand over phone). He says I'm taking a big fucking chance being in the same room as you and a gun."

Dick-"Tell him to go fuck himself!"

George-"Go fuck yourself he said. Dick, he says at least his daughters not a dike!"

Shotgun goes off.

George-"Mother fucker, you better check if you hit someone in the other room. I swear Cheney, you shoot one more person, either accidentally or on purpose, you're going to have to get out of the jam yourself! What do you want Jim? Drill for oil in Yosemite? You bet, you can start next week. What? Fuck the environmentalists. I got you a special permit. What's my cut again? 5 million? That sounds about right. See you Jim."

Dick-"You ready?"

Geoge-"Fucking A, let's go blow the fucking bejesus out of them birds!"

The end of another brilliant blog!! Thank you for your support, now you can even do more for me. I have an account with www.infolinks.com and the underlined words are ad links to my sponsors. Your patronage would be appreciated. Especially since I was screwed over by AdS**se.

CRAZY F**KING TV SHOWS

(Eddie Haskell in a scene from the new 'Leave Me Some Beaver')

Here are a few of shows for the new TV season. Lots of remakes of old TV series updated to appeal to a new generation and some reality shows to feed the never ending thirst of people who have no life of their own.

•  "Leave Me Some Beaver!"-Wally & Theodore (Beaver) Cleaver have grown up and are now in college. Their teen years were turbulent to say the least. Ward Cleaver was shot to death by his wife June after she discovered he was molesting the boys. Anyways, the boys are in community college. They spend most of their time in the pub spiking co-eds drinks with roofies and taking them back to their apartment, which they share with Lumpy and the scum-bag Eddie Haskel, hence the revised title of the show.

• "Morph & Mindy"-hilarious comedy about a psychotic named "Morph", who thinks he is a Mighty Morphin Power Ranger. After escaping from a mental institute, he begins to stalk and terrorize Mindy, a Kindergarten teacher with a penchant for blowing guys behind the local Mini-mart for quarters. Some of the funnier episodes include the efforts by Morph to win Mindy's affection by blowing up her car, torching the school where she teaches and paying some teens to abduct her mother and telling her he would rescue her.

• "Risky Business"-this is a game show that will make others pale in comparison. Contestant will be asked to do really dangerous shit for a couple of thousand bucks if they are successful (and live). With 10 episodes already in the can, here is a list of stunts that have gone really bad. In episode 1, the contestant was taken on a airplane ride with an experienced pilot. Once the pilot exited the plane in a parachute, the contestant, who had never flown before, would attempt to land the plane. This ended with disastrous results when he flew the plane into an orphanage just outside of Juarez, Mexico, 150 miles from the landing strip. In episode 2, a father and son team attempted to castrate a dozen pit bulls that had been rescued from an Aryan Nation Survival compound. The producer of the show said given the fact that the father & son were Afro-American and the dogs were specifically trained by white-supremacist had little to with the fact these men were torn to shreds. "I think anyone trying to cut the nuts off a dozen really pissed off pit bulls would have suffered the same fate", he said. In episode 3, two contestants were asked to pass a hive of African Killer Bees back and forth. Last man standing won the cash prize. There was a winner and he will collect his cash if he ever comes out of his anaphylactic shock induced coma. Finally, in the 4th episode, two men raced to see who could dis-arm pipe bombs provided by the LA Bomb Disposal unit. Sgt. Bob Finnie said these were the trickiest and most complex pipe bombs that he has ever seen. I wouldn't have touched those fuckers with a ten foot pole he managed to get out between laughs as he watched the action.

"SE7EN DWARFS-DRUG LORDS OF WONDERLAND"

I just finished the script for Disney's update of "Snow White & the Seven Dwarfs". There were only 2 guidelines, one, they wanted me to "juice-it up" and two, make it more appealing to today's generation of children.

The working title will either be "Se7en Dwarfs" or "Dwarfs-Massacre in Wonderland!"

Without telling you too much about it before its release on October 31, 2009, Disney has allowed me to give a brief synopsis of the movie, the actors and characters they are portraying.

CHARACTERS/CAST

ENCHANTED FOREST

Doc (Harrison Ford)-was at one time a licensed doctor who performed illegal abortions, sold prescriptions for Oxycontin and would except blow-jobs for services rendered. Gang leader.

Grumpy (Mickey Rourke)-the "muscle" in the pack. Prone to uncontrollable 'roid rages'. Does the "collecting" from customers who are a little slow with payments.

Sneezy (Robert Downey Jr.)-degenerate coke head, has completely burned out his septum with a $400 a day habit. Has a degree in Chemistry from MIT.

Dopey (Sean Penn)-full blown retard. Is Grumpy's cousin. Was viciously sodomized while in a group-home. Dopey was rescued by Grumpy when he found out his Aunt Galadriel and Uncle Bilbo had dumped him into the group-home. Used as a "mule" for the family business.

Happy (Denzel Washington)-friend of Sneezy, having met while they were serving time for drug convictions at Pelican Bay. Has a lot of connections with the black dwarfs that live in 'Sleepy Hollow Projects'. Also a gun runner for the Munchkins of Oz.

Bashful (Matt Damon)-psychopath/sociopath. Has penchant for bashing in the skulls of other rivals in the drug/prostitution business. Has a soft spot for the stable of whores working out of the night club the dwarfs own.

Sleepy (Mark Wahlberg)-an unrepentant "skin-head". Likes to put people to 'sleep' with kicks to the head with his Doc Martins. Has an uneasy truce with Happy. In charge of security.

Snow White (Nicole Kidman)-Imports massive amounts of China White Heroin. She has a very tenuous truce with the dwarfs.

Cinder-Ella (Halle Berry)-Happy's girlfriend. She's was also secretly fucking Sleepy, till Grumpy found out and ended it knowing this would have screwed up things good.

3 Pigs (John Goodman, Jack Black & Philip Seymour Hoffman)-rogue, dirty cops who shake down the dwarfs, Munchkins, Hobbits, Lilliputians and the "darkies who live in Sleepy Hollow".


OZ

Wicked Witch of the West (Angelina Jolie)-runs a high-class whore house on the outskirts of Emerald City. It caters to kinky sex addicts. Her clientele include Orks, goblins, Gandalf, Prince Charming and other perverts.

Mayor of Oz (Mini-me)-degenerate sex/heroin addict. Has been black-mailing the Wizard of Oz. Took some pictures of the Wizard having sex with an underage Dorothy & Toto.

Little Bo-Peep (Paris Hilton)-Top earner for the Wicked Witch. She loves the cock!!

THE SHIRE

Frodo (Nicolas Cage)-Still the same whiny bitch. Paranoid schizophrenic who has recruited several Orks to be his body-guards.

Samwise (Tobey Maguire)-Frodo's right-hand man. Getting sick of Frodo's incessant apologies & is planning on offing the prick soon.

Merry Brandybunch (Tom Cruise)-bit of a "fairy". Rumor has it that he was molested by Gandalf. Him and Pippin are butt-buddies!

Pippin Took (John Travolta)-also a "fairy" & molested by Gandalf. Unbeknown to Merry, Pippin is AC/DC & has been frequenting the whore houses with Gandalf.

SLEEPY HOLLOW "DARKIES"

Sharq (Chris Rock)-motor-mouthed smart-ass & crack head. Nobody likes this prick.

T-Kobe (Snoop Dog)-degenerate sexual predator. Runs Sleepy Hollow drug business.

Toke-N (Terrence Howard)-does all the business negotiations for the "Hollow". All-round nice guy. Is liked by just about everybody.

PLOT LINE

The dwarfs have set up a meth lab in an abandoned coal mine. Sneezy is the production manager & manufactures some of the best shit this side of Rohan & Gondor. Things are getting a little hot because the 3 Pigs have been getting a little greedy and squeezing a little too much. Also, there are rumors spreading that a gang of Hobbits, led by Frodo and Samwise Gangee, are going to put out a hit on Doc. Shit starts to happen from the opening scene to the climatic and bloody ending!

A very uneasy alliance has been forge between gangs from Oz, Narnia, Never Never Land, Enchanted Forest and the Shire but control over drugs & prostitution is heating up. The Se7en Dwarfs are having a difficult time keeping control. The only thing in their favor is the fact that through Happy, they have a strong alliance with the "Darkies of Sleepy Hollow" who control the gun trade, but this could change in a heart-beat.

MEMORABLE SCENES

While doing some shooters in a gay bar (he's not gay, he was dropping off a supply of meth) Grumpy spots the 4 guys who sodomized Dopey. He waits outside in the corral for them and when they get into their silver carriage, he empties 2 clips from a Mach 10 into it. For good measure he shoots their horses and torches the carriage.

The 3 Pigs pull an off-duty raid on Snow White's luxurious mansion. Not only do they take huge amounts of cash & drugs, they force Little Bo-Peep to blow them before leaving.

Near the end of the movie, the dwarfs decide to have it out with the 3 Pigs. They get coked up, arm themselves to the teeth and head for the bar the Pigs hang out at and do a donkey-by shooting. From this point the movie deteriorates into one mother-fucker of a blood bath as Lilliputians, Hobbits & Sleepy Hollow darkies begin choosing sides in the drug war and battle it out.

One scene that may be taken out so kids won't be too weirded out involves a cluster-fuck at the home of the Wicked Witch of The West (played by Angelina Jolie).

Warning-This movie will be rated as PG18 because of some pussy-shots and obscenities.

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SOUTH PARK

Without a doubt, this is the most relevant & socially introspective show on TV. If I was a little kid with a terminal illness I would ask the "Make Wish Foundation" for an opportunity to meet Trey Parker & Matt Stone. Better yet, actually contribute just 1 minute to one episode of "South Park".

Their agenda is simple. Nobody and nothing is sacred & above reproach or criticism. And their style borders on recklessness. We should be so lucky to have this approach within the mainstream and so called "legitimate" network programs. They have a refreshing disdain for Political and Corporate authority.

Their theory on maintaining the status-quo is to have a character cast that includes a bigot/racist, a Jew (who has some doubts about his faith), a Token, a retard, a physically handicap, smart-asses, innocents, etc.

In contrast lets look at CNN/HLN, who have anointed themselves the most trusted name in News! Who the fuck are they kidding? If Ted Turner was dead, he would be rolling over in his grave, knowing that his brainchild has deteriorated to nothing more than the "National Enquirer" of television.

In an effort to maintain a facade of 'Political Correctness' & 'Social Responsibility', to the point it is obsessive and maniacal, they have a assembled a team of scum-bags from every ethnic, religious, political and gender group. They would insult the intelligence & sensibilities of the average American if they weren't so fucking retarded!

Each and every one of these reporters has a personal agenda. Let me give you a quick synopsis of the more degenerate and offensive "personalities"-

• Nancy Grace/Jane Valez-Mitchell-I don't understand the "Nashville Whore" look and persona they maintain. My deepest sympathies go out to their husbands. Can you believe these two c**ts were actually part of the American Justice System. And talk about hypocrites. During his trial, they had Michael Jackson jailed and castrated. When he died, they could hardly talk because they had couldn't stop blowing him (in figurative sense)!

• Anderson Cooper-My favorite radio personality, Phil Hendrie, said it best on one of his uncensored pod casts-it has nothing to do with the fact this guy sucks cock, he is just a lousy, self-centered, ego-centric, shallow & self agrandizing prick, who should not be a reporter. Given the fact that his mother was Gloria Vanderbilt has everything to do with the fact he has gotten to where he has.
  

Fuck me, I hate it when I go off on a tangent like this. So let's get back to South Park. Trey and Matt have a sense of social justice that appeals to many. And their analyses of of the news and newsmakers is not without some compassion and humility for those who deserve it. The shows about Cesar Millan the "Dog Whisperer" and Jared from "Subway" are prime examples. Who can't love a guy like Cesar, a man who's love and passion for the dog, allows him to be put above any and all criticism. And Jared, an ordinary "Joe" who has successfully capitalized on the mere fact he has gone from a disgusting fat-body to celebrity for maintaining an average weight.

Their sympathetic caricaturisation of Britney Spears was an accurate representation of train-wreck that has become her life.

Conversely, portraying Paris Hilton as the diseased, spoiled rotten whore was contrary to the role model she has been afforded by Hollywood and television producers. How any parent would allow their daughter to emulate a no-talent cock sucker goes beyond the scope of reason.

"Team America" epitomizes the Parker/Stone philosophy on American geo-politics and the ridiculous standards in which we have elevated the so called Hollywood Superstars. The American public equates intelligence with how rich and famous you have become when the opposite is true. These 'Stars' are shallow and completely devoid of any real insight.

That's it for todays blog.

"SIMPLE LIFE" PARIS & NICOLE GANG BANGED

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EXERCISING & HUMOR

The Japanese, as well as some American companies, have tapped into the psychology of the average fat-ass consumer when it comes to exercise & exerciser equipment.

The American public has chubbed-out to the point where the lard-ass is in the majority, so the morbidly obese hardly stand out. Remember back a few decades when a fat-ass at school was routinely taken out behind the school and shit-kicked by the jocks or teased unmercifully by fellow school mates.

High school football coaches noticed the trend to obesity first. During the initial practice session, 99% of the boys were trying out for defensive/offensive linemen. They were hard-pressed to find a couple of guys who could run more than ten yards before collapsing.

As a Psychologist, I worked on a study funded by the Arnold Schwarzenegger "Foundation for Fitness & Practical Steroid Use". We noticed a disturbing trend, from people actually wanting to get fit through exercise, to the next phase of looking for exercise equipment that made exercise fun, practical & do-able and finally to looking toward the medical field for quick fix methods such as drugs and surgery.

At present, the public doesn't give a shit about any of these factors. The psychology in their goal is not to get fit (because they don't give a shit if they are fat) but to have the illusion that they are "attempting" to be fit!

Here's where the Japanese have come to the forefront in developing exercise machines for the obesity challenged. Here are two machines that will be hitting the market for the up-coming Christmas shopping frenzy-

• The "Slender-Bender"-It is a deluxe ab-cruncher and sit up machine. Luxuriously covered in calf-skin, with a customized head/neck rest. The head rest has the top of the line sound system. Now what you do is lay on this machine and strap down your legs and upper torso (in case you doze off and roll from the machine). You set a timer and speed-bender button. Now you just enjoy the music as the machine bends you up and down for what ever length of time you desire. When you get to work, you can tell everyone you just finished doing 200 sit-ups/ab-crunches.

• The "Lance Armstrong Tour De France Stationary Bike" is the Cadillac of exercise machines. It is a wonder of technology. The seat is customized to fit your ass, and is similar to the seats you see on John Deere tractors but is padded and covered in leather. It has a 56 inch plasma TV/Blue-Ray DVD Player. Now what you do is once your seated, you slip your feet into the locking pedal straps. You push the start button and that's it. The reason for the foot straps is that you don't even have to peddle it yourself, you just set the speed and the machine does the rest! On the TV is the actual Tour De France course. This machine actually tilts up and down, giving you the illusion of climbing and descending the mountainous course. Just think of the bull-shit stories you can tell people-I just did a hundred K on my bike!

Part of our objective with the study was to develop some equipment that could compete with the Japanese but at a fraction of the cost. I did come up with two ideas, but unfortunately both were rejected by the FDA, DEA and the AMA because of inherent dangers with them.

Here is a brief description of my exercise equipment-

• The "Wreck-Tum"-It was a fairly simple stationary bike with some modifications. The foot pedal were equipped with straps which made it impossible to remove your feet once the timer was started and you completed the cycle you punched into the computer. Now the modified seat was the most problematic aspect when it came to approval. It had a one inch hole in it. A very sharp metal rod would slowly elevate from this hole if you did not complete a programmed cycle. This is how the machine worked. Once you hit the start button, you had to maintain a certain speed and/or complete either a timed or distance sequence that you entered into the on-board computer. Now if you slowed down or began to lag, the metal rod would start to rise and enter your rectum (resulting in considerable pain & discomfort). When I was a kid, my dad said pain was one of the best motivators.

• Then I developed the "Stair-Roid Kit"-This was a very compact and easily transportable exercise kit. It contained syringes, 2 month supply of anabolic steroids and dextroamphetamin, a stop watch and medi-alert bracelet. You could take it to work, vacation or use at home. All you had to do was inject yourself with a combination from the vials, set your stop-watch so you know when to stop (during testing, we had some guys who would keep running stairs till their hearts exploded) then hit whatever stairs are available. The medic-alert bracelet comes in handy if someone comes across you in a crumpled heap at the bottom of stairs. It gives the EMTs a heads-up on what to do.

That's it for todays blog. This is the good doctor signing off. Support my sponsors, infolinks.com and me. The underlined words in my blog are ad links, so your patronage of them would be appreciated!

QUOTES & 911 CALLS-PARODY

I have compiled some little known quotes & understatements from the rich & famous & not so famous. Some real gems and understatements.

• Pee Wee Herman-"I should have blown the guy in the next seat instead of jacking-it, I would have been as popular as Paris." This refers to his bust in the 80's for jacking off in an adult theater in Florida.

• Ted Kennedy-"If I had been driving a VW on that night I would have been the President". The unfortunate Chappaquiddick incident-(VWs float for 10 minutes!)

• Dr. Conrad Murray-"Don't worry Michael. I know what I'm doing!"

• Dr. Conrad Murray-"I've done this a thousand times, don't sweat it Michael!"

• Dr. Conrad Murray-"Jesus Christ, what the fuck is happening!"

• Dr. Conrad Murray-"Michael! Are you alright?!"

• Dr. Conrad Murray-"Fuck me, 911 please send a real doctor to this address, some real bad shit is going down! I don't know what happened, I'm only the gardener for Christ Sakes!"
  

• Dr. Conrad Murray-"Bel-Air Cabs? Yes, I need a cab, super-fast. No, I'll be at the corner of Monterrey and Belfair or running down the street. Hurry, I hear sirens. No, its not cops!"

• Steve Irwin-"Relax, mate, these sting-rays are as safe as kittens!"

• Steve Irwin-"Crickey! That fucking stings! What's that big bright light mate? Mate? Mate, where are you? Fuck, I think I'm dead!"
  

• Barrack Obama-"There was a time in the United States of America when a black man couldn't even get a job. Now look at me, I'm the fucking President!"

• Mickey Rourke-"You know America is fucked up beyond repair when a movie about a fag wins over a wrestler!"

• Paris Hilton-"I don't really have much to do with muff-divers. So the only ones I know of are Rosie O'Donnell, Ellen Degenerate and Anne Heche." This is the answer Paris gave to TMZ when asked who were the great "thespians" that she admired.

• Michael Vick-"When it comes right down to it, I'm a dog lover!"

• Gordon Ramsey-"Could someone please remove this fucking spatula from my arse?" This was after a particularly bad taping of "Hell's Kitchen".

• Kate Gosselin-"Don't believe those rumors, me and Jon are in love and will be forever!" This was one week before TMZ broke the news that Jon was banging the daughter of his wife's Plastic Surgeon.
  

That's it for now, I hope I haven't offended your sensibilities. If I have, too fucking bad. On a positive note for me, I am now with infolinks.com and the underlined words are my sponsors ad links, so click on and use these products.

MIAMI INK TO L.A. INK-KAT IS A "K*NT"!

(pic of Kat when she won Miss Arkansas)

Damning condemnations from the fellows of Miami Ink. Kat is a Ku*t (the asterisk has been filled in) has been tattooed on their arms as a show of solidarity.

Inkster, Yoji said, "This is a woman who is as ugly on the inside as she is on the outside!" Amen to that!

 Darren added, "Too bad you couldn't tattoo in a personality. This bitch makes me cringe!"

In an interview on TMZ, all five guys said that their were some fears that they would all end up on one of the other shows on TLC, if Kat wasn't sent packing to L.A.

When asked to explain which shows they were talking about they all said somberly "48 Hour Murder Mystery" or some other real life crime show.

The fellows even went to see Jesse James (Jesse James is a Dead Man) and asked he knew of someone who could make someone "disappear"?

"Sorry, no can do, I'm having enough problems figuring out what to do with "Bullsy" (Bullock?)

So we then contacted Jon Gosselin and asked how he dealt with the ball breaker Kate? And he tells us that he ain't putting up with that bitch too much longer. That's when we found out he was banging that babe in upstate New York.

We then contacted Bill Curtis over at A&E. Now this guy is pretty thick with all kinds of criminals and murderers and nasty shit like that. And he sat us down and convinced us not to go to this extreme. Thank God he knew the President of TLC and he had a talk with him and he got Kat the fuck out of here.

In a parting sling at Kat, the boys sent her this message-"Kat, you can't tattoo away ugly or tattoo in personality! Hope you get jabbed with a dirty needle!" With this the interview ended with the boys laughing at their wisdom and wit.

THE SHIT-EATING GRIN-PREZ PERK

Being the President of the United States is inherently the most difficult job in the world. But it also has it's perks. But one unusual perk that comes with the position is so enigmatic and counter to this position of utmost responsibility it defies a logical explanation.

"THE SHIT-EATING GRIN"!

It has been on the lips of every man sworn into the Office of President. One modern day President who was immune to the "shit-eating grin" was Richard Nixon who always looked like someone had taken a piss on his shoe. Henry Kissinger, in his autobiographical book, "Henry, Memoirs of a War Criminal & Psychopath", tells of a humorous attempt to get Richard to smile for the Nixon Family Christmas card.

Kissinger's quote-"For several hours we told him jokes about niggers, Jews, Polacks, Krutes, you name, not even a lip curl. The closest we came was when we brought in some kittens and his son-in-law David Eisenhower stomped on them, but this slight smile disappeared before the photographer could hit the shutter button. We finally resorted to using tooth picks to prop up the corners of his mouth. Then we used several cans of aerosol laundry starch and removed the tooth picks. It only took a few minutes before the the starch failed and the smile disappeared. Fortunately, the photographer got off 2 very quick shots.

One man who could epitomize "the shit-eating grin" is Bill Clinton. This could be due to the fact that Bill probably developed the grin in elementary school after his 1st diddling of a girl and from that day forward, the grin was here to stay. The only time the grin was not on his face was when, after being elected as the youngest Governor in the United States, he lost the next election because of his pardoning of several death-row inmates. Bill rectified this situation as a Bleeding Heart Liberal immediately after winning the next election, by frying an inmate, who several Psychiatrist had said was a certified retard. This made Bill's grin even a little more cocksure!

As difficult as it was for Nixon to put a grin on his face, the opposite was true of Bill. He could not (or maybe it was a case of he would not) remove it from his face even when that insufferable prick Ken Starr was trying to impeach him. Remember when Bill was being grilled about the cigar, the hummer and Monica. Good old Bill had that fucking grin on his face the entire time.

On another subject, totally unrelated to the topic, a great many Professors of semantics were thoroughly amused by Bill's interpretation of sexual intercourse. In particular the discussion about being on the receiving end of a hummer while discussing politics on the phone. Seems to Bill, this was not sex because he was on the receiving end.

John F. Kennedy had one of the most sublime and slightest "shit-eating grin" of any President, but it was ever-present.

Presidents George Bush Senior and Junior had the "shit-eating grin" but from different pathologies. Senior's was from an arrogance while Junior's was from retardation. Even when George Jr. was debriefing the American Public on the tragic events surrounding 9/11 or Katrina or Kenya West's branding of George as a racist, he had that grin on his face.

We have all seen that grin on President Obama's face.

That's it for today's blog.

DROWNING IN A SEA OF RETARDATION

Two lines from the movie "Road To Perdition" are guidelines when I am writing my blog. And they are words to live by.

The first line is when a little kid asks Daniel Craig why he is always smiling and he replies- "Because everything is so fucking funny!"

The second line is when Tom Hanks is in a whore house and an ex-boxer looks at all the little kids playing in the liquor store room and says-"I despair the human race!"

If you look at life, everything is fucking funny. And if you don't know it by now, we are drowning in a "sea of retardation" and we are beyond despair.

One need only look at every aspect of our society and you know that we are in a world of shit.

The American Medical Association has developed a easy test to determine if you have late onset retardation or brain damage-

• Reading one novel by Stephen King and Dean Kuntz and considering them good writers is a warning sign that retardation is a possibility. Continuing to buy and read more books by these two shows a definite erosion of your senses. Even more disastrous is telling your friends or going on twitter and admitting to other people you are reading these books!
  

• You faithfully watch "Survivor" and/or "Big Brother". If you belong to a pool at work that has anything to do with these shows, it's time to put a gun in your mouth.

• You think Paris Hilton is something other than a cock-sucking, self-centered, no-talent airhead. Again, if you watch her show BFF (Best Friend til Friday) take the same advice as above.
  

• You actually think Will Farrell, Adam Sandler and Seth Rogen are funny. Even worse-if you have seen more than one of their movies and think that each movie is original in content and story line, you have a brain tumor.

• You text message your friend even though she is sitting beside you on the bus.

• You think the "Gay Pride Parade" is family entertainment and wonderful opportunity to give your children a positive perspective on "alternative life styles" even though a transvestite is dangling his pecker 6 inches in front of them.

• You feel sorry for retards, whom Psychologist consider the luckiest people in the world. Look at Bono. We should all have it so good.
  

• If you consider Nicolas Cage a "serious actor", you have severe retardation. Even if you consider him an "actor" you may be mildly retarded.

• Sociologists are also pondering over the fact that a choice piece of ass like Britney Spears cannot hang onto a man, even one as retarded as Kevin Federline? Or the walking hemorrhoid Adnan Ghalib.

• If you are donating money to Televangelists like Benny Hinn, Robert Copeland, etc. you have some very serious mental issues. How else can you explain why an old age pensioner would donate money to some degenerate preacher who lives in luxury, flies his own Lear Jet, wears Italian made suits while they themselves are hunkering down to a meal of Alpo dog food?

• You hero worship rich, famous athletes who are into juicing-up on steroids, raping women, shooting themselves, killing dogs. This includes (and not necessarily in this order) Kobe Bryant, Plaxico Burress, Michael Vick, Barry Bonds, A-roid Rodriguez, Mike Tyson, etc.
  

Fuck it, you get the drift. Besides there are no pictures with this blog so most of you have already stopped reading.

Let's take a look at TV.

Steve Wilkos gets his own show-a fucking security guard for Jerry Springer. Speaking of Springer, he was once the Mayor of Cincinnati, does that not speak volumes of the disintegrating intelligence of the American voter.

Your a white woman and you are sitting in the audience of the Oprah show. Don't you know she fucking hates you? This pretentious bitch is fostering a lot of rage for you and you sit there drooling over her. Get a reality check for Christ sakes!

How about Maury. If this doesn't smack of retard, it surely is disgusting. Look at last weeks topics and these are typical of his show for the last 10 years-I Fucked Everyone In Your Family; I Like Being Gang-banged; Ten Men, 1 Baby, Who The Fuck Is The Daddy?

I got to quit, I am having a seizure just thinking about this shit.

AMERICAN PRESIDENTS

Doc, I asked my students at Madison Elementary School to write a paper on their favorite President and why? Here are a few snippets from the papers I got back.

• Bill Clinton because he can carry on a conversation on the phone while getting a "hummer".

• Bill Clinton because he must be very strong to be married to a bitch like Hilary. My dad said he would have strangled the nut-cutter years ago.

• Bill Clinton because he fucked more women in the Oval Office than Kennedy.

• John Kennedy cause he banged Marilyn Monroe and Lucky Luciano's girlfriend.

• George Bush Jr. cause my dad said he is the 1st retard to be President. Is that right?

• President Obama cause if not for him, that cunt Sarah Palin would be Vice President.

• Richard Nixon cause my dad said he wanted to "nuke" all them chinks but that cock-sucker Henry Kissinger talked him out of it cause he was a commie lover.

• Bill Clinton, cause he got that intern to look after his cigar for him. And he could make good decisions even when he was getting his tally-whacker greased!

• I don't know his name but he fried a whole bunch a Japanese in WWII.

• Michael Douglas, he had sex with that babe Annette Benning at the White House.
  

• I haven't got one now but it will be Arnold Schwarzenegger, nobody will fuck with the USA then. My dad said he might not like Jews either, does that matter?
  

I just love being a teacher!