Today's entry is devoted to answering questions sent to me by some of the kids who like to read my blog. They are keenly aware of my insight & compassion when helping others with their problems. And they know that I am an expert on everything and I won't bullshit them.
Mikey MacDonald
Mikey is 7 years old and lives in Sherman Oaks, California. Here is his question-"Dr. Sven, who should I report a malfunctioning mailman to? For some reason, the mailman on our street seems to be leaking lots of air. The other day, I came home early from school and my mother was blowing him up or trying to re-inflate him or something! I talked to my friends Michelle & Antoine and they say he must be leaking lots of air cause they've seen their mommies blowing him up too! Should I phone the post office or tell my teacher or what?"
"Mikey, it's a good thing you asked me and not your father. If you have a good home & love your mommy and daddy, I would just leave things as they are. It is best not to get any other adults involved unless you want to fuck things up beyond repair! And tell the same thing to Michelle & Antoine. This problem is not uncommon with mailmen. Mikey, could you send me your address, I might want to make a special delivery to your house & sometimes I leak air!"
Britney Cafferty
Britney is six and lives in Pinellas Park, Florida. She has become involuntarily involved in a activity that is disturbing & epedimic in proportion. This is Britney's question-"Dr. Sven, pretty near every week-end for the last 2 years my mommy has been dressing me up like a cheap whore and entering me in "Beauty Pageants". As disturbing as it is that she dresses me this way, she also has a fucked-up approach to fiscal responsibility. I have totaled up our expenses for one year. My clothes, make-up, costumes, dancing coach (this flaming fag who lives in another town) hair dresser, entrance fees & transportation came to a whopping $85,000! My daddy can't stop her cause he is pussy-whipped. Two weeks ago I won the grand prize of $2000 & my mom went ape-shit with excitement. I told her that only leaves us $83,000 in the hole. She started crying and called me an ungrateful bitch. Dr. Sven, do you know it is always the same kids & mothers at every fucking show, are our mom's retarded?"
"No Britney, your moms aren't tards, they are suffering from "Benet-Ramsey Syndrome". Here are the reasons for this, your mom has no life & was probably a 'prize-pig' when she was a little girl. She is living her life vicariously through you. There is not much you can do to get out of this situation unless you want to go to extremes. This means calling Children Services in your home town & telling them you were molested by either one of the judges, your faggy coach or your mother. The down side of this is that you may have to move into a foster home and never see the rest of your family ever again!
Shaquille MacNeil
Shaquille is 9 and lives in Burbank, California. He asks-"Dr. Sven, what so bad about being an electrician? You see my daddy is an executive with NBC, but I think he may be going into another line of work & my mom is really pissed at him. They are fighting all the time and I am afraid they will divorce. The other day my mom was talking to the ladies who come over for coffee & bitching. My mom was ragging on my dad. She says he is getting a little AC/DC and he has been plugging into anything and everything. If this keeps up she said she is going to divorce him and take the house, me and my brother and every penny in the bank account. I don't think anything is wrong working on electricity. And I thought electricians made good money, almost as much as a doctor, especially if they have no "scruples", whatever that means. Oh yeah, one more thing, my grandpa used to puff on a pipe, is a peter something like a pipe? Because my mom also said my dad is a 'peter-puffer'?"
"Electricians do make good money Shaquille! As for scruples, they human traits instilled in normal human beings that guide us in decision making. For example they allow us to be fair, kind and honest to other humans. If you have no scruples, you will fuck over anyone for a buck. For examples, on Sunday TV you have televangelists like Hinn, Swaggart & Copeland who take money from old people who are poor and they spend it on jets, mansions and hookers. They have no 'scruples'. Back to your situation, your dad is getting into a field that has no future and will cause your family a lot of pain and anguish so you best hope he stays with NBC and he gives up his interest in the 'electrical field' before your mom kicks him to the curb!
It is going to be a long time before I do a blog like this again. I thought adults had it tough in this world. It makes you wonder how fucked-up this world is going to get before Armageddon? That's it for today's blog & thank you for reading. Please support my sponsors. I want to prove to my wife it wasn't a mistake for me to leave the medical field to write a blog! The Doc.
How sick man but I had to say I laughed. So does this mean I am sick too? Liked Phaggots too.
ReplyDeleteJust a little off. I liked your Stephen King novel parody although it was fuckiong sick as shit. Read it to my little brother, he got scared about going to the doctor.
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