SPORTS HEROES-WEIRD & UNUSUAL

I received a lot of feedback from my readers when I asked them to contribute to a blog on sports heroes. Some of this shit is unbelievably warped and twisted. Since I don't have the time, nor do I give a shit, no research has been done to substantiate the "facts", so use some of your own discretionary powers. So here are some of the most interesting of the lot.

HOCKEY 

I heard this one before, in fact it was included in one of my earlier blogs. Nick McNab from NY says his favorite player with the Rangers is Sean Avery. Nick tells us Sean has a very interesting parentage. His mother was a defrocked Priest who had a sex-change operation. His father is an ape at the NY Zoo. He's the ape that is forever entertaining the tourists by either jackin-it or flinging shit at people. Sean is so retarded that he was once dating Elisha Cuthbert & actually lost her to an even more retarded hockey player! To make matters worse, Sean went on national TV & called her his "sloppy seconds" earning him the wrath of the NHL and being labeled a "fucking idiot" by Dallas GM Brett Hull.

Don Cherry from Boston says his favorite player is Zdeno Chara. If you think Avery has a weird pedigree, it pales in comparison to this cement-headed Slovakian. His father, a lobotomized Albanian gypsy who was in the late stages of syphilis, had escaped from a Russian experimental lab, but not before having sex with another experimental subject, a Rhesus monkey, Zdeno's mother! Numbers are very interesting in regards to this cro-magnon. His jersey number is 33. The same as his IQ. He has 3.3 siblings-a sister, a brother & an abortion that lived. He holds the Slovakian record for pounding nails into a cement block using his head-33. His toes & fingers add up to 33! And when he has an erection-you guessed it, 3.3 inches long (he did lose half of it in an accident involving a sexual encounter with a Polish transvestite who had metal false-teeth and palsy). Don says that some of Zdeno's most outstanding plays include stopping a puck that was travelling at 120 mph with his forehead and not even suffering a bruise. Last season the 6'8'' baboon played 2 periods of hockey before the trainer realized the retard had his skates on the wrong feet!

FOOTBALL

Jeremy Jackson of Miami says he is obsessed with NFL players who have had 'minor' scrapes with the law and would love to see these guys on one team. For instance, he gets a hard-on thinking about Rae Carruth, a guy who took his pregnant girlfriend out for dinner than had a couple of buddies shoot her on the way home. Then we have Michael Vick, dog lover, part-time electrician and swimming coach for disobedient pit-bulls. Next on his list are bar-crawlers 'Pacman' Jones who just happened to be in the vicinity of murder, as was Ray Lewis, who's table-mate murdered another patron. Also getting a boner reaction in Jeremy is the double-tard Plaxico Burress, who used his leg for target practice while sitting in a bar. Given the fact that he was on the disabled list at the time seems very ironic. As we know Plaxico is heading to a Federal Pen for possession of a weapon, a violation of  the probation terms involving the leg-shot. Topping the list is O.J. Simpson, a guy who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time on at least a dozen separate occasions.

BASEBALL

Wesley Ryder of San Jose has a similar fetish to sports figures with strange interpretations of the ethical behavior. He sent me a list of his "All Steroid Team". Roger Clemons, of course would be on the mound. Lead off batter, Jose Conseco, followed by Mark McGwire, then Barry Bonds and batting clean-up we have Alex "A-Rod" Rodriguez.

I getting a fucking head-ache just thinking about these moral degenerates so I am going to close out with a  category that is very unique, a woman who has fucked dated a superstar in nearly every sports category.

MADONNA

Baseball-Jose Conseco & Alex "A-Roid" Rodriguez.

Basketball-Bison Dele (sadly, he was murdered by his brother) & Dennis "Long-Dong" Rodman.

Hockey-Mark Messier

Football-1/2 the starting line-up of the AFC in the 2004 Pro-Bowl Game.

That's it for today's blog. Thanks for reading & a special thanks to the faithful who have been with me since the beginning. Support my wonderful sponsors, otherwise I might never be rich!! The Doc