THE NEW POLAND

I do apologize to the citizens of Poland. This is not very funny in afterthought.

In an effort to change their maligned & undeserved image as a nation of neanderthals & morons, the government of Poland has begun a media & PR blitz. This includes a campaign to attract business & tourists. They also initiated some policies to improve conditions within the country. Here are some of the improvements they have made-

INTERNAL AFFAIRS

• Polish Daylight Saving Time (PDST) will be initiated November 32 (on the Polish calender), 2010. Clocks will move ahead 12 hours. Minister of Clocks & Salt Mines, Yugo Dzlexis says-"This means that Polish people won't even have to fuck around with the little knobs on the watches. It will be of great benefit to night-shift workers because they will no longer have to work in the dark anymore. Crime rates will drop significantly because statistic show most crime happens at night. Women will feel much safer walking around at night because it will be sunny. Unfortunately, this means daytime will be much scarier & dangerous because it will be dark".

• Interior Minister, Zotsli Dzoski explains his innovative idea-"We plan to switch July & August with November & December. People will be able to ski, skate and make snowmen without getting cold. They can even wear shorts and tee shirts. Christmas shopping will be much easier. We have noticed that the stores and shops are not as busy in the summer, while in December, the stores are packed with shoppers.
  

• Minister of Education & Sewers, Krakiv Krakov explains his brilliant ideas-"Because of the huge drop-out rate of kids before they reach high school, we are reversing the education system. Children will now start out in Grade 12 and work back to Grade 1. That way they get the hard and difficult shit out of the way & as their education continues things get easier. As a consequence, they will stay in school longer. We have also purchased 3,000 Minivac 601 Computers (built by SDC in 1965) from the Chechyan Minister of Trade. These computers will replace the Chinese abaci being used in our high schools & the University of Polanska. These computers are so clever & advanced you can play checkers and tic-tac-toe on them, we are so proud!"

• Minister of Trains, Planes, Donkey Carts & Big Boats, Dzoxsty Piloxi explains his plans-"Because of high unemployment in southern Poland, we have moved the ship building yards from Gdansk to Nowy Sakz. Now I have to figure out a way to transport ships that weigh 10 thousand tons the 1,000 mile trip back to the Baltic Sea".

• A campaign is on to attract new business. For the first year of business, free labor will be provided by the prison system. Companies are made aware of the fact the the Polish laborer works for less than a Mexican.
  

Ministry of Tourism, Sanitation & Prisons has been very busy creating new attractions for tourists. The more exciting tourists attractions include-

• Grabovski Coal Mine-Tourists can go 3 miles underground in a real coal mine. Using picks & shovels they experience what it is like to be a real miner. They may even be lucky enough to find some of the 84 coal miners who were trapped 3 years ago when a methane explosion brought down 3 miles of tunnel.

• Broltzki Lake Resort-This will prove to be a haven for tourists who are into water sports. This lake was used by the Russian Atomic Energy program as a dumping spot for nuclear waste. If you are into fishing, you'll be able to try your luck with some species unique to this lake. There are 5-Eyed Lake Trout, the Twin-Tailed Salmon and the Flashing Red & Green 2 Headed Eel. There is no need for sonar when trying to locate a school of fish. A Geiger counter is included with boat & cabin. Night fishing is also an option. The lake gives off a very subtle green florescence. The fish flash like neon signs below the surface. Many people believe the lake has some healing powers. Many who suffer from arthritis come to soak in the extremely warm waters of this lake. Once the flesh burns heal, they say the aches and pains in their joints have disappeared as does all their bodily hair!

Some real crazy shit has gone down in Warsaw that will effect the commuters as well as tourism. Some coal miners mistook the subway entrance as the mine they work at. They dynamited approximately 16 miles of subway tunnel before authorities could stop them. How this happened is even bewildering to the Polacks because these guys were 300 miles from their work site.

That is it for today's blog.