I received this heart rending (and hilarious) letter from a faithful follower of my blog. He requested that I pass his story on to others as a warning & inspiration to those who may be in a similar situation. It is a story of sex, obesity, methane gas & grievous injury . Before I begin, I would like to address the criticism concerning my somewhat insensitive approach to the plight of others. But I must tell you that I live by a philosophy that laughter is the best medicine & everything is funny as long as it doesn't happen to me. The narrative below, although tragic & devastating for one couple, it will surely amuse others as it did me. It is the story of Bill O'Reilly, a systems analyst from Boston and his wife, Jenny. I have decided to let Bill tell his own story because it needs nothing added by me to make it any more hilarious!
Bill & Jenny O'Reilly, A Tale of Sordid Sex
Dr. Sven, Like many Americans, my wife and I are disgusting fat-bodies. I weigh a hefty 366 lbs. while my pretty little wife porks out at an even 390. Because of all of the rolls of fat, it has been years since we have been able to enjoy sexual relations other than the odd hand-job from Jenny.
I was telling a colleague of mine about the frustrations of an unfulfilled sex life when he interrupted me and asked if I had ever considered doing it doggy-style? I told him I had never heard of this before. So he explained the intricacies and technique of this sexual position. I was so excited that I couldn't wait to get home to tell Jenny so I phoned her. She was as excited as I was and said that she was going to take a very special long bath and be ready for me when I got home from work.
I got home about seven that evening and sure enough, Jenny was already on the bed and in the position to begin our first intercourse in years. I was so excited, I just tore my clothes off and started towards the bed. From this moment on, the last thing I remember was being on my knees behind Jenny with this raging hard-on and hearing a noise that sounded like an elephant scream or a trumpet blare and then things when black.
Thirty days later, I came out of a drug-induced coma and wondered what the fuck happened! To tell you the truth Dr. Sven, if it hadn't happened to me, I wouldn't have believed the story myself. Here are the facts that were related to me by Jenny, doctors and the police.
The previous evening before the near fatal event, Jenny had gotten up in the middle of the night to get herself a little snack. After eating several sandwiches, a chocolate cake & a gallon of ice cream, she was still hungry. Tearing apart the cupboards, all she could find was a container of escargot. Although the can was at least a year past the expiry date and smelled really bad when she opened it, she decided to eat it anyways.
What was that loud blaring noise I heard moments before blacking out? It was Jenny letting off a tremendous fart. The doctors explained to me that the rotten snails Jenny had eaten, had formed a very toxic & concentrated level of deadly methane gas. When Jenny let it rip and this noxious gas hit my nostrils, it caused every muscle in body to violently convulse, flinging my body violently through the air. I struck my head against the corner of the dresser 10 feet from the bed!
As I lay on the floor bleeding profusely from a head injury, Jenny called 911. When the EMTs got to me in the bedroom & having assessed my injuries, they immediately called the police to say I had been severely beaten about the head. Now the cops took one look at me, saw my condition, they immediately cuffed Jenny, none to gently either, and hustled her to the police station.
On my arrival at the hospital, the ER doc took a look down my throat and noticed a lot of burning to my soft tissue and screamed at the nurse- "Not only did that fat bitch try to club her husband to death, he's been mustard gassed, you better call the police!" Immediate a "haz-mat" team was sent to our home to find the source of my gassing and decontaminate the house.
Hearing this news at the police station, the cops really began roughing up Jenny, slapping, punching and tasering her, calling her a sadistic, twisted bitch. All the while she trying to tell them that it was a sex-act gone bad. This made the cops both laugh & get angrier at her. Because I was in a coma, I couldn't corroborate her story. Things went bad for her for a couple of days till doctors and detectives decided that the facts indeed added up. The injury was caused by the dresser and the tissue damage was methane related.
I did suffer some minor and lasting injuries. I now have a metal plate in my head to repair the crushed skull, the left side of my body is sort of paralyzed and I have to use a wheelchair. I am also on the transplant waiting list for lungs because my old ones are completely fried and I have to pack around an oxygen tank. Well, Dr. Sven, that is my story and I hope you can find a moral to this whole twisted, sordid incident to pass on to your readers and patients.
Well, kids, I don't think I need to draw you a picture with this one. Ye reaps what ye shall sow, so it says in the good book! That is it for today's blog.
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