As an expert on everything, like Dr. Phil, I feel it is my duty to offer my professional expertise to those who need guidance and assistance. I came to this conclusion after I received a flood of emails from the readers of my blog who were in desperate need of advice. To those who are not familiar with my background, I received my PhD from the same Alma Mater as Dr. Phil. In fact we were classmates for the entire 12 week course needed to receive a medical degree at the East Hoboken Medical, Janitorial and Astronaut School in New Jersey. I am proud to say I graduated with higher marks than Dr. Phil, or as we referred to him in those esteemed halls "dip-shit" and "butt-boy". Unlike Dr. Phil, I lack the pretentiousness and ass-holiness needed kiss ass and blow TV executives to get my own show. Rumor has it that you had to bed that heifer Oprah as a prerequisite to getting your own show, something I have to give credit to Dr. Phil for. Just the thought of seeing that thing naked would put me off women for life!
It seems that there are many people in society who have such a burning desire to be on TV to get what Andy Warhol called the 'five minutes of fame', they will expose to the world some shit about themselves that most people wouldn't even tell their priest in confession! And to tell it to a fucking jag-off like Dr. Phil defies logic. So I have offered a forum to you who need answers to burning questions with the cloak of anonymity I can provide. So here is the first addition to the "The DrSvensen eShow".
Dr. Dylan-I am having difficulty with a premature ejaculation "glitch". If things keep going the way they are, I'm going to end up like Seth Rogen-a 40 year old virgin! Can you please help me? Joey 'Alex' Jonas
Joe, I feel your pain. Very few women find cum stained pants a "turn-on". Nor do they appreciate a guy who cums all over their brand new $800 Louis Vuitton shoes when they give him a good night kiss after the first date. Here are some handy tips that should help. First, you have the rubber band solution which is simple, inexpensive but may have the potential of causing severe physical and mental trauma. The physical injuries include the loss of the end of your cock from a too tight band, the back pressure effect which could blow your testicles out your ass or jism back-up. This has the potential of causing brain damage if it reaches the cerebral cortex. Secondly, you have the multiple-jack-it technique, which is self explanatory. The key to this procedure is saving a reserve in the very slight possibility that your hot date decides to give you a "sympathy fuck". Most guys have told me whacking off a minimum of 10 before you go on that hot date. The third method is the "Portrait of a Pig" technique. Now this involves getting your hands on a picture of Rosie O'Donnell or Oprah Winfrey completely naked. If you can stomach it, you stare at this for 10 minutes (or until you puke). Then when you are on your date and your pecker begins to twitch, flash back to the searing picture of the porker and it should immediate settle down your over enthusiastic member. The down-side of this is the danger of ralphing all over your date. Then you have the daunting dilemma of what is less attractive to a girl, a guy with cum-stained pants or a guy who keeps puking on her?
Dr. Dylan-I am in desperate need of your advice and I need it soon. I've been feeling really sad and depressed. I have no friends & my family consists of jerk-offs and dip-shits. I lost my job recently, my car was towed away & I'll be living on the streets because of an impending eviction. People say I am one of the fruitiest guys they've ever seen so I will be victimized on the streets, like I was all the way through my school years. In fact I was raped and sodomized last year by a gang of homies and when I went to the police station to report it, the officers laughed at me and told me to get the fuck out of the police station. If I don't get help very soon, I may do something desperate. Doc, if you can just give me an iota of some of your thoughtful and compassionate advice, I know I'll be able to get through this. (I am withholding Nick Jonas' name by request) Signed Anonymous.
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Well kids, thats it for todays blog. I want to thank my colleague, Dr. Sven, for giving me this opportunity to help solve your problems. If you have questions for me to answer just email me or contact me through my Dr. Sven. Being associated with www.infolinks.com the underlined words in my blog are ad links and I hope you support my sponsors as they are supporting me.
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