SEX DIAMONDS AND THE BJ

We all know the old joke-"Buy her a diamond and she'll have to!" which is a reference to a sure-fire way of getting a blow-job. In actual fact, when it comes to the "diamond ploy", we men are deluding ourselves if we think women don't know what we're getting at when we come home with that little velvet lined box with the diamond in it. Women are way smarter than we men like to believe and they're being good sports by playing along and letting us think we are pulling the wool over their eyes.

There is one ad on TV that my wife finds very juvenile, crude and retarded. It shows a woman laying in bed & her husband gently places a diamond necklace on her and then he crawls back into bed. You don't need to be a rocket scientist to figure out what he is waiting for!

I have got to tell you about a new service being provided by the more up-scale jewelery stores. A computer program has been developed by DeBeer's Diamond Company of South Africa, to assist men in purchasing a diamond. It was designed to give men the biggest bang (or BJ) for their buck. This is a synopsis of the program.

DeBEER'S OCFS PROGRAM

The Oral Copulation & Fellatio Scale (OCFS) is a handy program to enable men to optimize the dollar to blow-job ratio. DeBeers hired sociologists, psychologist and computer programmers to develop it. I  was given an explanation of this program by Jonathan Holmes, President of Sales for USA Division. Here are the basics to the program.

JONATHAN HOLMES OF DeBEERS DIAMONDS 

"We have always paid our slaves miners in Africa the best wages and benefits. We believe that competition is healthy, even though some would argue this fact (DeBeers controls roughly 90% of the world diamond trade). So we, at DeBeers, thought we would give back to the customer a service that would assist them in the wise purchase of diamond jewelery. The fact that 99% of our customers are men looking for a hummer from their wife or girlfriends, this program has been calibrated to this need".


Here is a basic summary of the program-

• The program starts out with some preliminary questions like-Do you and your wife have sex on a regular basis? Has she ever blown you before? Is your wife into sem-kinky sexual activity? Now if you answer no to one or more of these questions, you may as well forget about wasting your money. Because if she hasn't blown you yet, even buying the biggest diamond would be an effort in futility!

• The next step is maximizing your dollar outlay. For instance, why buy one piece of jewelery for $5000 and getting one "hummer", when you could buy 5 pieces of jewelery at  $1000 a pop over a couple of months and get several tunes played on your skin-flute?

There are several more aspects to this program to assist you so I recommend you should check it out for yourself. Just as our conversation was coming to an end, Jonathan showed me something very special and unique that is used as a humorous anecdotal ending to the program. He brought up a picture of the most exquisite diamond necklace I have ever seen. Jonothan said this piece of jewelery is a one of a kind diamond setting. It is kept in a vault in DeBeers Headquarters in Brussels, Belgium. It is called "The Mother Theresa". I asked him how it got this name? Jonathan said they call it this because-"This is so beautiful and expensive, Mother Theresa would blow the Pope to get her hands on this baby!"

Well kids, that's it for today's blog. And I hope it was as offensive to some as it was as humorous to others!

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