THE NEW POLAND

I do apologize to the citizens of Poland. This is not very funny in afterthought.

In an effort to change their maligned & undeserved image as a nation of neanderthals & morons, the government of Poland has begun a media & PR blitz. This includes a campaign to attract business & tourists. They also initiated some policies to improve conditions within the country. Here are some of the improvements they have made-

INTERNAL AFFAIRS

• Polish Daylight Saving Time (PDST) will be initiated November 32 (on the Polish calender), 2010. Clocks will move ahead 12 hours. Minister of Clocks & Salt Mines, Yugo Dzlexis says-"This means that Polish people won't even have to fuck around with the little knobs on the watches. It will be of great benefit to night-shift workers because they will no longer have to work in the dark anymore. Crime rates will drop significantly because statistic show most crime happens at night. Women will feel much safer walking around at night because it will be sunny. Unfortunately, this means daytime will be much scarier & dangerous because it will be dark".

• Interior Minister, Zotsli Dzoski explains his innovative idea-"We plan to switch July & August with November & December. People will be able to ski, skate and make snowmen without getting cold. They can even wear shorts and tee shirts. Christmas shopping will be much easier. We have noticed that the stores and shops are not as busy in the summer, while in December, the stores are packed with shoppers.
  

• Minister of Education & Sewers, Krakiv Krakov explains his brilliant ideas-"Because of the huge drop-out rate of kids before they reach high school, we are reversing the education system. Children will now start out in Grade 12 and work back to Grade 1. That way they get the hard and difficult shit out of the way & as their education continues things get easier. As a consequence, they will stay in school longer. We have also purchased 3,000 Minivac 601 Computers (built by SDC in 1965) from the Chechyan Minister of Trade. These computers will replace the Chinese abaci being used in our high schools & the University of Polanska. These computers are so clever & advanced you can play checkers and tic-tac-toe on them, we are so proud!"

• Minister of Trains, Planes, Donkey Carts & Big Boats, Dzoxsty Piloxi explains his plans-"Because of high unemployment in southern Poland, we have moved the ship building yards from Gdansk to Nowy Sakz. Now I have to figure out a way to transport ships that weigh 10 thousand tons the 1,000 mile trip back to the Baltic Sea".

• A campaign is on to attract new business. For the first year of business, free labor will be provided by the prison system. Companies are made aware of the fact the the Polish laborer works for less than a Mexican.
  

Ministry of Tourism, Sanitation & Prisons has been very busy creating new attractions for tourists. The more exciting tourists attractions include-

• Grabovski Coal Mine-Tourists can go 3 miles underground in a real coal mine. Using picks & shovels they experience what it is like to be a real miner. They may even be lucky enough to find some of the 84 coal miners who were trapped 3 years ago when a methane explosion brought down 3 miles of tunnel.

• Broltzki Lake Resort-This will prove to be a haven for tourists who are into water sports. This lake was used by the Russian Atomic Energy program as a dumping spot for nuclear waste. If you are into fishing, you'll be able to try your luck with some species unique to this lake. There are 5-Eyed Lake Trout, the Twin-Tailed Salmon and the Flashing Red & Green 2 Headed Eel. There is no need for sonar when trying to locate a school of fish. A Geiger counter is included with boat & cabin. Night fishing is also an option. The lake gives off a very subtle green florescence. The fish flash like neon signs below the surface. Many people believe the lake has some healing powers. Many who suffer from arthritis come to soak in the extremely warm waters of this lake. Once the flesh burns heal, they say the aches and pains in their joints have disappeared as does all their bodily hair!

Some real crazy shit has gone down in Warsaw that will effect the commuters as well as tourism. Some coal miners mistook the subway entrance as the mine they work at. They dynamited approximately 16 miles of subway tunnel before authorities could stop them. How this happened is even bewildering to the Polacks because these guys were 300 miles from their work site.

That is it for today's blog.

SEXUAL QUESTIONS FROM KIDS

 WARNING-PARODY SATIRE MAY OFFEND SOME

Today's entry is devoted to answering questions sent to me by some of the kids who like to read my blog. They are keenly aware of my insight & compassion when helping others with their problems. And they know that I am an expert on everything and I won't bullshit them.

Mikey MacDonald

Mikey is 7 years old and lives in Sherman Oaks, California. Here is his question-"Dr. Sven, who should I report a malfunctioning mailman to? For some reason, the mailman on our street seems to be leaking lots of air. The other day, I came home early from school and my mother was blowing him up or trying to re-inflate him or something! I talked to my friends Michelle & Antoine and they say he must be leaking lots of air cause they've seen their mommies blowing him up too! Should I phone the post office or tell my teacher or what?"

"Mikey, it's a good thing you asked me and not your father. If you have a good home & love your mommy and daddy, I would just leave things as they are. It is best not to get any other adults involved unless you want to fuck things up beyond repair! And tell the same thing to Michelle & Antoine. This problem is not uncommon with mailmen. Mikey, could you send me your address, I might want to make a special delivery to your house & sometimes I leak air!"

Britney Cafferty

Britney is six and lives in Pinellas Park, Florida. She has become involuntarily involved in a activity that is disturbing & epedimic in proportion. This is Britney's question-"Dr. Sven, pretty near every week-end for the last 2 years my mommy has been dressing me up like a cheap whore and entering me in "Beauty Pageants". As disturbing as it is that she dresses me this way, she also has a fucked-up approach to fiscal responsibility. I have totaled up our expenses for one year. My clothes, make-up, costumes, dancing coach (this flaming fag who lives in another town) hair dresser, entrance fees & transportation came to a whopping $85,000!  My daddy can't stop her cause he is pussy-whipped. Two weeks ago I won the grand prize of $2000 & my mom went ape-shit with excitement. I told her that only leaves us $83,000 in the hole. She started crying and called me an ungrateful bitch. Dr. Sven, do you know it is always the same kids & mothers at every fucking show, are our mom's retarded?"

"No Britney, your moms aren't tards, they are suffering from "Benet-Ramsey Syndrome". Here are the reasons for this, your mom has no life & was probably a 'prize-pig' when she was a little girl. She is living her life vicariously through you. There is not much you can do to get out of this situation unless you want to go to extremes. This means calling Children Services in your home town & telling them you were molested by either one of the judges, your faggy coach or your mother. The down side of this is that you may have to move into a foster home and never see the rest of your family ever again!

Shaquille MacNeil

Shaquille is 9 and lives in Burbank, California. He asks-"Dr. Sven, what so bad about being an electrician? You see my daddy is an executive with NBC, but I think he may be going into another line of work & my mom is really pissed at him. They are fighting all the time and I am afraid they will divorce. The other day my mom was talking to the ladies who come over for coffee & bitching. My mom was ragging on my dad. She says he is getting a little AC/DC and he has been plugging into anything and everything. If this keeps up she said she is going to divorce him and take the house, me and my brother and every penny in the bank account. I don't think anything is wrong working on electricity. And I thought electricians made good money, almost as much as a doctor, especially if they have no "scruples", whatever that means. Oh yeah, one more thing, my grandpa used to puff on a pipe, is a peter something like a pipe? Because my mom also said my dad is a 'peter-puffer'?"

"Electricians do make good money Shaquille! As for scruples, they human traits instilled in normal human beings that guide us in decision making. For example they allow us to be fair, kind and honest to other humans. If you have no scruples, you will fuck over anyone for a buck. For examples, on Sunday TV you have televangelists like Hinn, Swaggart & Copeland who take money from old people who are poor and they spend it on jets, mansions and hookers. They have no 'scruples'. Back to your situation, your dad is getting into a field that has no future and will cause your family a lot of pain and anguish so you best hope he stays with NBC and he gives up his interest in the 'electrical field' before your mom kicks him to the curb!

It is going to be a long time before I do a blog like this again. I thought adults had it tough in this world. It makes you wonder how fucked-up this world is going to get before Armageddon? That's it for today's blog & thank you for reading. Please support my sponsors. I want to prove to my wife it wasn't a mistake for me to leave the medical field to write a blog! The Doc.

SPORTS HEROES-WEIRD & UNUSUAL

I received a lot of feedback from my readers when I asked them to contribute to a blog on sports heroes. Some of this shit is unbelievably warped and twisted. Since I don't have the time, nor do I give a shit, no research has been done to substantiate the "facts", so use some of your own discretionary powers. So here are some of the most interesting of the lot.

HOCKEY 

I heard this one before, in fact it was included in one of my earlier blogs. Nick McNab from NY says his favorite player with the Rangers is Sean Avery. Nick tells us Sean has a very interesting parentage. His mother was a defrocked Priest who had a sex-change operation. His father is an ape at the NY Zoo. He's the ape that is forever entertaining the tourists by either jackin-it or flinging shit at people. Sean is so retarded that he was once dating Elisha Cuthbert & actually lost her to an even more retarded hockey player! To make matters worse, Sean went on national TV & called her his "sloppy seconds" earning him the wrath of the NHL and being labeled a "fucking idiot" by Dallas GM Brett Hull.

Don Cherry from Boston says his favorite player is Zdeno Chara. If you think Avery has a weird pedigree, it pales in comparison to this cement-headed Slovakian. His father, a lobotomized Albanian gypsy who was in the late stages of syphilis, had escaped from a Russian experimental lab, but not before having sex with another experimental subject, a Rhesus monkey, Zdeno's mother! Numbers are very interesting in regards to this cro-magnon. His jersey number is 33. The same as his IQ. He has 3.3 siblings-a sister, a brother & an abortion that lived. He holds the Slovakian record for pounding nails into a cement block using his head-33. His toes & fingers add up to 33! And when he has an erection-you guessed it, 3.3 inches long (he did lose half of it in an accident involving a sexual encounter with a Polish transvestite who had metal false-teeth and palsy). Don says that some of Zdeno's most outstanding plays include stopping a puck that was travelling at 120 mph with his forehead and not even suffering a bruise. Last season the 6'8'' baboon played 2 periods of hockey before the trainer realized the retard had his skates on the wrong feet!

FOOTBALL

Jeremy Jackson of Miami says he is obsessed with NFL players who have had 'minor' scrapes with the law and would love to see these guys on one team. For instance, he gets a hard-on thinking about Rae Carruth, a guy who took his pregnant girlfriend out for dinner than had a couple of buddies shoot her on the way home. Then we have Michael Vick, dog lover, part-time electrician and swimming coach for disobedient pit-bulls. Next on his list are bar-crawlers 'Pacman' Jones who just happened to be in the vicinity of murder, as was Ray Lewis, who's table-mate murdered another patron. Also getting a boner reaction in Jeremy is the double-tard Plaxico Burress, who used his leg for target practice while sitting in a bar. Given the fact that he was on the disabled list at the time seems very ironic. As we know Plaxico is heading to a Federal Pen for possession of a weapon, a violation of  the probation terms involving the leg-shot. Topping the list is O.J. Simpson, a guy who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time on at least a dozen separate occasions.

BASEBALL

Wesley Ryder of San Jose has a similar fetish to sports figures with strange interpretations of the ethical behavior. He sent me a list of his "All Steroid Team". Roger Clemons, of course would be on the mound. Lead off batter, Jose Conseco, followed by Mark McGwire, then Barry Bonds and batting clean-up we have Alex "A-Rod" Rodriguez.

I getting a fucking head-ache just thinking about these moral degenerates so I am going to close out with a  category that is very unique, a woman who has fucked dated a superstar in nearly every sports category.

MADONNA

Baseball-Jose Conseco & Alex "A-Roid" Rodriguez.

Basketball-Bison Dele (sadly, he was murdered by his brother) & Dennis "Long-Dong" Rodman.

Hockey-Mark Messier

Football-1/2 the starting line-up of the AFC in the 2004 Pro-Bowl Game.

That's it for today's blog. Thanks for reading & a special thanks to the faithful who have been with me since the beginning. Support my wonderful sponsors, otherwise I might never be rich!! The Doc

SEX DIAMONDS AND THE BJ

We all know the old joke-"Buy her a diamond and she'll have to!" which is a reference to a sure-fire way of getting a blow-job. In actual fact, when it comes to the "diamond ploy", we men are deluding ourselves if we think women don't know what we're getting at when we come home with that little velvet lined box with the diamond in it. Women are way smarter than we men like to believe and they're being good sports by playing along and letting us think we are pulling the wool over their eyes.

There is one ad on TV that my wife finds very juvenile, crude and retarded. It shows a woman laying in bed & her husband gently places a diamond necklace on her and then he crawls back into bed. You don't need to be a rocket scientist to figure out what he is waiting for!

I have got to tell you about a new service being provided by the more up-scale jewelery stores. A computer program has been developed by DeBeer's Diamond Company of South Africa, to assist men in purchasing a diamond. It was designed to give men the biggest bang (or BJ) for their buck. This is a synopsis of the program.

DeBEER'S OCFS PROGRAM

The Oral Copulation & Fellatio Scale (OCFS) is a handy program to enable men to optimize the dollar to blow-job ratio. DeBeers hired sociologists, psychologist and computer programmers to develop it. I  was given an explanation of this program by Jonathan Holmes, President of Sales for USA Division. Here are the basics to the program.

JONATHAN HOLMES OF DeBEERS DIAMONDS 

"We have always paid our slaves miners in Africa the best wages and benefits. We believe that competition is healthy, even though some would argue this fact (DeBeers controls roughly 90% of the world diamond trade). So we, at DeBeers, thought we would give back to the customer a service that would assist them in the wise purchase of diamond jewelery. The fact that 99% of our customers are men looking for a hummer from their wife or girlfriends, this program has been calibrated to this need".


Here is a basic summary of the program-

• The program starts out with some preliminary questions like-Do you and your wife have sex on a regular basis? Has she ever blown you before? Is your wife into sem-kinky sexual activity? Now if you answer no to one or more of these questions, you may as well forget about wasting your money. Because if she hasn't blown you yet, even buying the biggest diamond would be an effort in futility!

• The next step is maximizing your dollar outlay. For instance, why buy one piece of jewelery for $5000 and getting one "hummer", when you could buy 5 pieces of jewelery at  $1000 a pop over a couple of months and get several tunes played on your skin-flute?

There are several more aspects to this program to assist you so I recommend you should check it out for yourself. Just as our conversation was coming to an end, Jonathan showed me something very special and unique that is used as a humorous anecdotal ending to the program. He brought up a picture of the most exquisite diamond necklace I have ever seen. Jonothan said this piece of jewelery is a one of a kind diamond setting. It is kept in a vault in DeBeers Headquarters in Brussels, Belgium. It is called "The Mother Theresa". I asked him how it got this name? Jonathan said they call it this because-"This is so beautiful and expensive, Mother Theresa would blow the Pope to get her hands on this baby!"

Well kids, that's it for today's blog. And I hope it was as offensive to some as it was as humorous to others!

If you are wondering about the underlined words in my blog, I am proud to announce I have an account with www.Infolinks.com and these are the ad links, so support both me and them, thanks.

TRAGIC & HILARIOUS SEX TALE

I received this heart rending (and hilarious) letter from a faithful follower of my blog. He requested that I pass his story on to others as a warning & inspiration to those who may be in a similar situation. It is a story of sex, obesity, methane gas & grievous injury . Before I begin, I would like to address the criticism concerning my somewhat insensitive approach to the plight of others. But I must tell you that I live by a philosophy that laughter is the best medicine & everything is funny as long as it doesn't happen to me. The narrative below, although tragic & devastating  for one couple, it will surely amuse others as it did me. It is the story of Bill O'Reilly, a systems analyst from Boston and his wife, Jenny. I have decided to let Bill tell his own story because it needs nothing added by me to make it any more hilarious!

Bill & Jenny O'Reilly, A Tale of Sordid Sex

Dr. Sven, Like many Americans, my wife and I are disgusting fat-bodies. I weigh a hefty 366 lbs. while my pretty little wife porks out at an even 390. Because of all of the rolls of fat, it has been years since we have been able to enjoy sexual relations other than the odd hand-job from Jenny.

I was telling a colleague of mine about the frustrations of an unfulfilled sex life when he interrupted me and asked if I had ever considered doing it doggy-style? I told him I had never heard of this before. So he explained the intricacies and technique of this sexual position. I was so excited that I couldn't wait to get home to tell Jenny so I phoned her. She was as excited as I was and said that she was going to take a very special long bath and be ready for me when I got home from work.

I got home about seven that evening and sure enough, Jenny was already on the bed and in the position to begin our first intercourse in years. I was so excited, I just tore my clothes off and started towards the bed. From this moment on, the last thing I remember was being on my knees behind Jenny with this raging hard-on and hearing a noise that sounded like an elephant scream or a trumpet blare and then things when black.

Thirty days later, I came out of a drug-induced coma and wondered what the fuck happened! To tell you the truth Dr. Sven, if it hadn't happened to me, I wouldn't have believed the story myself. Here are the facts that were related to me by Jenny, doctors and the police.

The previous evening before the near fatal event, Jenny had gotten up in the middle of the night to get herself a little snack. After eating several sandwiches, a chocolate cake & a gallon of ice cream, she was still hungry. Tearing apart the cupboards, all she could find was a container of escargot. Although the can was at least a year past the expiry date and smelled really bad when she opened it, she decided to eat it anyways.

What was that loud blaring noise I heard moments before blacking out? It was Jenny letting off a tremendous fart. The doctors explained to me that the rotten snails Jenny had eaten, had formed a very toxic & concentrated level of deadly methane gas. When Jenny let it rip and this noxious gas hit my nostrils, it caused every muscle in body to violently convulse, flinging my body violently through the air. I struck my head against the corner of the dresser 10 feet from the bed!

As I lay on the floor bleeding profusely from a head injury, Jenny called 911. When the EMTs got to me in the bedroom & having assessed my injuries, they immediately called the police to say I had been severely beaten about the head. Now the cops took one look at me, saw my condition, they immediately cuffed Jenny, none to gently either, and hustled her to the police station.

On my arrival at the hospital, the ER doc took a look down my throat and noticed a lot of burning to my soft tissue and screamed at the nurse- "Not only did that fat bitch try to club her husband to death, he's been mustard gassed, you better call the police!" Immediate a "haz-mat" team was sent to our home to find the source of my gassing and decontaminate the house.

Hearing this news at the police station, the cops really began roughing up Jenny, slapping, punching and tasering her, calling her a sadistic, twisted bitch. All the while she trying to tell them that it was a sex-act gone bad. This made the cops both laugh & get angrier at her. Because I was in a coma, I couldn't corroborate her story. Things went bad for her for a couple of days till doctors and detectives decided that the facts indeed added up. The injury was caused by the dresser and the tissue damage was methane related.

I did suffer some minor and lasting injuries. I now have a metal plate in my head to repair the crushed skull, the left side of my body is sort of paralyzed and I have to use a wheelchair. I am also on the transplant waiting list for lungs because my old ones are completely fried and I have to pack around an oxygen tank. Well, Dr. Sven, that is my story and I hope you can find a moral to this whole twisted, sordid incident to pass on to your readers and patients.

Well, kids, I don't think I need to draw you a picture with this one. Ye reaps what ye shall sow, so it says in the good book! That is it for today's blog.

As a proud new owner of an account with www.infolinks.com I ask your support of us. The underlined words in my blog are ad links so I hope you will support these advertisers. Thanx

GOOD SAMARITAN GETS FUCKED OVER

I got this email from a follower of my blog telling how a good deed went side-ways & cost him dearly.
 
LaMARR JACKSON STORY

One night I noticed that my neighbors had accidentally left a night-light on in their living room when they went to bed. Knowing how energy conscious they are, I decided to turn it off. Not wanting to wake them, I thought it prudent to crawl in a window they had left ajar. While I was in the living room, I noticed a man's wallet on the coffee table. Concerned that a burglar might look in the window and steal it, I decided to put it in my pocket and give it to my neighbor the next day & warn him not to be so careless. I decided to leave by the front door so I wouldn't trample down the flowerbed more than I already had crawling into the window. Passing by the hall closet and opening the doors, I noticed his wife had carelessly left an expensive leather coat and purse also exposed to some degenerate thief. I decided to take those for safe keeping too. Just my fucking luck a cop car rolled past just as I was jumping a fence that separates our houses. Having six prior convictions for burglary, I knew the cops wouldn't believe me so I ran. They caught me just as I was entering my house. As hard as it was trying to explain why I had my neighbors belongings, it was even tougher explaining my need to wear gloves & a balaclava during the one of the hottest nights of the year. Never again will I be a good-fucking-Samaritan! Now it looks like I may be doing a very long stretch in prison. If I ever get out, I am going to tear my neighbor a new asshole!

(mystery retard)

That's another extremely well written blog. As you may or may not know, I am now affiliated with www.infolinks.com and the underlined words are ad links so I hope you will support my sponsors. Thanks, the good Doc.

PREMATURE EJACULATION AND OTHER NICE STUFF

(Dr. Dylan Phingers, guest blogger)

As an expert on everything, like Dr. Phil, I feel it is my duty to offer my professional expertise to those who need guidance and assistance. I came to this conclusion after I received a flood of emails from the readers of my blog who were in desperate need of advice. To those who are not familiar with my background, I received my PhD from the same Alma Mater as Dr. Phil. In fact we were classmates for the entire 12 week course needed to receive a medical degree at the East Hoboken Medical, Janitorial and Astronaut School in New Jersey. I am proud to say I graduated with higher marks than Dr. Phil, or as we referred to him in those esteemed halls "dip-shit" and "butt-boy". Unlike Dr. Phil, I lack the pretentiousness and ass-holiness needed kiss ass and blow TV executives to get my own show. Rumor has it that you had to bed that heifer Oprah as a prerequisite to getting your own show, something I have to give credit to Dr. Phil for. Just the thought of seeing that thing naked would put me off women for life!

It seems that there are many people in society who have such a burning desire to be on TV to get what Andy Warhol called the 'five minutes of fame', they will expose to the world some shit about themselves that most people wouldn't even tell their priest in confession! And to tell it to a fucking jag-off like Dr. Phil defies logic. So I have offered a forum to you who need answers to burning questions with the cloak of anonymity I can provide. So here is the first addition to the "The DrSvensen eShow".

Dr. Dylan-I am having difficulty with a premature ejaculation "glitch". If things keep going the way they are, I'm going to end up like Seth Rogen-a 40 year old virgin! Can you please help me? Joey 'Alex' Jonas

Joe, I feel your pain. Very few women find cum stained pants a "turn-on". Nor do they appreciate a guy who cums all over their brand new $800 Louis Vuitton shoes when they give him a good night kiss after the first date. Here are some handy tips that should help. First, you have the rubber band solution which is simple, inexpensive but may have the potential of causing severe physical and mental trauma. The physical injuries include the loss of the end of your cock from a too tight band, the back pressure effect which could blow your testicles out your ass or jism back-up. This has the potential of causing brain damage if it reaches the cerebral cortex. Secondly, you have the multiple-jack-it technique, which is self explanatory. The key to this procedure is saving a reserve in the very slight possibility that your hot date decides to give you a "sympathy fuck". Most guys have told me whacking off a minimum of 10 before you go on that hot date. The third method is the "Portrait of a Pig" technique. Now this involves getting your hands on a picture of Rosie O'Donnell or Oprah Winfrey completely naked. If you can stomach it, you stare at this for 10 minutes (or until you puke). Then when you are on your date and your pecker begins to twitch, flash back to the searing picture of the porker and it should immediate settle down your over enthusiastic member. The down-side of this is the danger of ralphing all over your date. Then you have the daunting dilemma of what is less attractive to a girl, a guy with cum-stained pants or a guy who keeps puking on her?

Dr. Dylan-I am in desperate need of your advice and I need it soon. I've been feeling really sad and depressed. I have no friends & my family consists of jerk-offs and dip-shits. I lost my job recently, my car was towed away & I'll be living on the streets because of an impending eviction. People say I am one of the fruitiest guys they've ever seen so I will be victimized on the streets, like I was all the way through my school years. In fact I was raped and sodomized last year by a gang of homies and when I went to the police station to report it, the officers laughed at me and told me to get the fuck out of the police station. If I don't get help very soon, I may do something desperate. Doc, if you can just give me an iota of some of your thoughtful and compassionate advice, I know I'll be able to get through this. (I am withholding Nick Jonas' name by request) Signed Anonymous.

Dear Nick Anonymous, Wow man, you are seriously fucked!

Well kids, thats it for todays blog. I want to thank my colleague, Dr. Sven, for giving me this opportunity to help solve your problems. If you have questions for me to answer just email me or contact me through my Dr. Sven. Being associated with www.infolinks.com the underlined words in my blog are ad links and I hope you support my sponsors as they are supporting me.

COLLEGE HUMOR

Here are some humorous anecdotes relating to the latest in the world of "academia". For you college and university students, academia is 'the collective term for scholars & students engaged in higher education'.

SPORT SCHOLARSHIPS

The Universities of Alabama, Georgia. Florida, Washington, Michigan, Oregon and California-Los Angeles, have decided to lower the bar for entrance exams in respect to incoming students with sports scholarships.

The entrance interview for freshmen football players is quite simple. Upon entering the office and taking a seat, the registrar will check to see if his shoes are on the right feet. If they are, he has passed. If they are not a more complex test is necessary. It is a series of 4 questions with the respondent having to get 2 right. Here are the 4 questions.

1. What is your name?
2. Looking out the window, can you tell me if it is daytime or nighttime?
3. Which is your left hand? He has 2 chances to get this one right.
   
4. Can you spell the letter 'a'?

Basketball players have a less stringent test than the football players. Upon entering the office, if they have to bend down to get under the 7' doorway they have aced it & need not answer any questions. Otherwise they do have to answer 4 questions and get 2 right, but these are more relevant to a basketball player.

1. Is a basketball round or flat?
2. How much is a 3 pointer worth-1, 2 or 3 points?
3. Which goes on your feet first, your socks or your shoes?
4. Would you rather walk to class or drive in that brand new Corvette than comes with the exclusive penthouse apartment that is included in your scholarship?

To ensure there is no cheating on these exams the test will be monitored by either the student's parents or his agent.

 They have also modified the courses and added a mandatory course for freshman.

FRESHMAN ORIENTATION -What has become a distraction and inconvenience to the player, university and varsity team, some athletes have been involved in some minor indiscretions such as rape, manslaughter, felony possession of weapons/drugs. A Law Professor explains the finer points of a misdemeanor and a felony and how they can avoid stepping over the line from the minor charge to the more serious crime.

ENGLISH -For the athlete to pass this course, they are required to learn and memorize the play-book.

FINE ARTS -Course includes acting (for future commercials, TV shows and movies), selecting artwork for that  mansion they will be buying after signing their first contract. One professor, has opined on the frustration of teaching these neanderthals art appreciation by saying it epitomizes the old axiom-"it is like putting lipstick on a pig".

MUSIC APPRECIATION-BLACK ATHLETES-They will receive an all encompassing perspective concerning the finer points of rap, hip hop, R&B. This will also include the philosophy behind some of the major players in these music genres. Ice-T will lecture on his seemingly incongruous and antithetical relationship between his song "Cop Killer" and his portrayal of a cop on Law & Order.

MUSIC APPRECIATION-WHITE ATHLETES-The course includes C&W, Heavy Metal and 80's Rock & Roll. Guest lecturer Alan Jackson expands on his writing technique-the capitalization of grief and major tragedies, like 9/11. Guest retard, Toby Keith explains the "Red-Neck and Shit-kickers Freedom Of Speech".  And he talks about his ongoing feud with "those cunts the Dixie Chicks". Finally, Joe Nichol will talk about his inspiration for his hit song-"Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off". It seems it was his ex-girlfriend. Unfortunately, he soon discovered tequila makes her blow every guy within a 10 yard radius!

NEW CURRICULUM COURSES 2009

All universities and colleges have added two courses. They reflect today's changes in morality.

SPRING BREAK 101-This is an orientation to one of the most anticipated and productive semester in the school year-Spring Break. Guys will learn which co-eds are the loosest and easiest to bang. For instance, U. of Maryland seniors are outright "whores" according to the "American Collegiate Guide". The course includes tips on how to avoid drinking yourself to death, frying your brains by ingesting a cocktail made of multiple drugs. An Introduction Chemistry course for male students shows how they can make a simple and basic "Roofie" from Kool-ade, catnip, Pepto-Bismal and chili powder for those co-eds who play hard to get. For the co-eds there is a refresher course on alternative post-coital douches to prevent pregnancy. The list includes Shmirnoff Chili Pepper Spritzer (most effective but can be very irritating-but what are your alternatives, burning beaver or bouncing baby?) Which Universities have the biggest fuck-ups & douchebags that you definitely wouldn't fuck let alone give a hand-job. Seems Baylor & BYU lead the pack.

COMPUTER SCAMS 203-This course will get you up to speed in the very diverse and profitable business of computer scamming. The computer, in concert with the world wide web, has created the newest and most profitable new business enterprise. Some of the top universities have already snapped up the best lecturers from Nigeria.

That's it for today, not up to spec but it's done. As an affiliate with www.infolinks.com, the underlined words in my blog are ad links. I hope you will support my sponsors and then they will support me.

 

JRR TOLKIEN'S-THE PHAGGS OF PHOGGYMIRE RINGS PT. IV

PHAGGS PHUCK UP THE SHIRE

*SEE CRUDERUDECOMEDY.BLOGSPOT 

Fans of JRR Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings" series, will be happy to learn that an unpublished manuscript has been discovered by his son, Christopher. It seems the concept of a Utopian ending, portrayed at the end of "The Return Of The King" was a little premature. And as you will soon see, it was just the prelude to the shit-storm that envelopes all the creatures of Middle Earth. The "Return" ended with Samwise Gamgee penning the final chapter on a tale that had begun so long ago by that douche bag Bilbo Baggins. Here is the final glimpse into the world of "Middle Earth".

FRODO & ELVES

Frodo and his companions were just three days into their voyage to the "Undying Lands" when pirates from the Land Of Sewmahlia attempted to seize their boat. This was a terrible mistake for the Seakhoon pirates, because Legolas, Elrond & the rest of the Elves put so many arrows into them, they looked like porcupines! To make a bad situation even worse, the very next day Elrond caught Bilbo Baggins molesting his 8 year old son, Elrond Hubbard Jr. As much as the Elves despised Khoons, they looked upon pedophiles as vermin that must be exterminated! Bilbo was thrown into the brig, with his execution scheduled for the next day. Gandalf & Frodo, who were also prone to dabbling in art of molestation, knew that they may be in a precarious situation due to this major fuck-up by Bilbo. Gandalf decided that the best option was to commandeer the ship, with the unpleasant probability of slaughtering the elves, then head back to the Shire. They would need some inside help, so they decided to recruit Legolas to participate in the mutiny. His allegiance came at a steep price. Legolas wanted as much 'mehetnni' (the Hobbit slang for pussy) as he wanted, 20 kilos of 'scumper'-a high potency bud-and a Villa on Lake Evigna. Early the next morning, the slaughter began. After tossing the bodies of the Elves into the Belegaep Sea, an extremely pissed off Frodo released his Uncle Bilbo from the brig. Gandolf laid a sever beating on Bilbo, accusing the sawed-off little cunt of fucking up a real sweet thing!

SAMWISE & THE SHIRE

Things in the Shire have also gone sideways for those living there. After marrying Rose Cotton, the big tittied bar maid, Sam soon learns that while he was away, nearly every Hobbit in the Shire, as well as several Dwarfs & Orks, had banged her. He also has his hands full being the mayor & sheriff of the Shire. His biggest problems were his old friends Meriadoc & Pippin. The little pranks they liked to play have turned into full-blown felonies. Rumor has it that they are butt-buddies. Due to a very strange and highly suspicious incident, they now own the Golden Perch Inn. The previous owner, Dildo Baggins, was found hanging from a tree with a suicide note pinned to his chest.The tree he was found hanging in was none other than "Treebeard The Ent". The note left the Inn & all his possessions to Merry & Pippin, cutting out his wife & 8 kids. What made this suicide so suspicious lay in the fact Dildo Baggins was illiterate and his hands were tied behind his back. Trying to get to the bottom of this strange incident, Sam was about to interview Treebeard to determine how & why Dildo ended up swinging from one of his branches. Strangely, he suddenly disappeared, while at the same time, Merry & Pippin put the finishing touches on the finest outdoor patio you have ever seen. Another headache for Sam was another old friend, Gimli. He and several other Dwarfs would come to the Shire every couple of months to spend the money they earned working in the mines of Moria. Everyone knows this is bull-shit because the mines hadn't been producing in years. Sam surmised that the Dwarfs were most likely responsible for the raping & pillaging going on in Rohan as well as several bank robberies in Minas Tirith. When the Dwarfs got drunk, a lot of debauchery went on. Pippin has often been heard to say, "You haven't seen funny till you've seen a Dwarf bending a Hobbit over a toadstool and just giving it to her!" A particularly funny incident happened when Gimli, Pippin & Merry were out on the new wood patio reminiscing about old times-tossing back ale, chewing on salt pork and smoking scumper and Gimli asked, "Have you seen our old friend Treebeard lately?" When Pippin tells him they're standing on him, all three burst into fits of laughter.

ARAGON & GONDOR

Immediately after taking the throne of Gondor & marrying Arwen, Aragon knew he made a colossal mistake. Although she had a great set of tits, the nicest ass this side of Mordor & could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch, she was basically nothing but a tard. The son she bore him, Prince Sphïnktýr is pure fruitcake & wimp. Aragon is always thinking about that fine piece of ass Eowyn. There is many a time when he has thought about heading over to Rohan & seeing if Prince Faramir is into doing a wife swap. If not, he'll just kill him anyways and take Eowyn. After all, he is the king and can do whatever the fuck he wants.

MUCKLARS OF MIRKWOOD

Unbeknown to everyone, a real nasty tribe of creatures, the Mucklars, who live on the far side of Misty Mountains in Mirkwood, are preparing to cause some real havoc. They are preparing for a war that will make the battle at Helm's Deep look like a cluster fuck. The leader of the Mucklars is Fukemgüed. Fukemgüed is such a twisted & evil motherfucker, the Wraith is a choirboy in comparison.

PRELUDE TO ARMAGEDDON

With the return of Frodo, Gandalf, Legolas & Bilbo, some old animosities begin to rear their ugly heads. For example, the very minute Frodo sees Samwise, he begins to whimper & whine like the bitch he was in the previous three books. At that moment, Legolas asks Sam why the fuck he didn't throw the bitch into the fires along with the ring & Golum. Merry & Pippin begin to question the wisdom of some of their earlier decisions. You see Gandalf was very tight with Dildo Baggins & has been filled in on the suspicious circumstances surrounding his so called suicide. And he is beginning to suspect that the fine patio attached to the inn, is his old friend Treebeard. It isn't long before Bilbo is up to his old ways and is caught molesting his cousin Dildo's 8 orphaned children. Gandalf tears him a new asshole. Soon a messenger arrives from Gondor. Aragon says that an advancing army of Mucklars are approaching & he needs all the help he can get. The Rohanians have refused to help him because their beloved Prince Faramir was found face down in the Isen River & Eowen is now in a 3 way with Aragon & Arwen. They send the messenger back with a demand for $10,000 in gold up front or no deal. It seems Aragon stiffed them on the last big battle. Aragon readily agrees to these terms. Legolas says he is going to bring in a secret army and heads for Rivendell. There, in a hidden valley, is an off-shoot sect of Elf known as the "Phaggots of Phoggymire". These are the most utterly ruthless creatures in Middle Earth. The final battle is a mind-fuck with all the atrocities that are perpetrated by both sides.

                                               THE END