INSIGHTS FROM RICKY RETARDO

WARNING-SATIRE & PARODY MAY OFFEND SOME!!!!

RICKY RETARDO 

I really do take the risk of being perceived as an insensitive person with this blog but who really gives a fuck? If you read my blog on eHarmony Rejects, you will know today's guest blogger, Leonard. He is being assisted by his caregiver Robert.

Hi, everyone, as you no frum before my name are Leonard. My frends and family lick to call me Ricky Retardo. Today I am be telling you my perspektive on the hole wurld-sex, politiks, family and other things.

FAMILY HISTORY

I have a histery and it goes like this-My dad was bi-sexual, he would buy sex from anyone or anything. My mommy is also my sister and that is why i am a mungoloid. i have a betarded bruther named Garth, end he had been eleckted the most dangerus cylepath in Grate Briten. that fukker skares every one evn me end i'm fukking tard. if he axes a girl for sex she better give itt to him cuz if she dont he gives me a sore asshole. i dunt liick to tell peeple this but i jerkoff at leest 20 times a day weather i need to or knot.

EDUCATIONAL BACKGROUND

i was mainstreemed thru school and even went to a trade school all paid for the tax payers. Nex year i am gonna ax my social worker if i cood go to college to be a doctir. i are pritty goud at operating. i tryed to do a hart transplent wiht naybors kat end dawg but they both died. my care giver, Robert, says that giving me an edukation was a collossal waste of good money seeing as i cant evn whip my own ass, read or get a fukking job. i dont no why he is pissed off, he gets $40 an hour to look after me. cum to think of it, i red sumware or saw it on BBC or cnn that retards are an industry that costed the tax payer billion of moneysz so ituld robert if i were dead, he wouldnt have a job. i told him that and all of a sudden he has quit beating the shite out of me every day!

Robert alweys sez he hopes to gawd that he is reborn as a retard, the lukkiest peeple in the werld. i guess that other then a sore asshole, i guess i gots it pritty good!

RELIGION

This is way to cunfussing to me. you got the kikes, raghedz, muslins,cathliks, prostitents,holy rollers, jahova witness, mornmons and a lot of other rilly weerd religons in the world. i ask Robert about this and he said those fukkin hooknose jewbs run this fukkin world but for chissake dont put that in the blog, so i wont. even being retarded i know that religion has made the world bad. when i was trying to be an alter boy at st. pats i was kicked out cuz when i was doing penence, i sneezed and bit off Father O'reilly's skin flute. good thing i was kicked out cuz i read in the london times, that evry other alterboy was molestered by the priests, whatever that is. Robert says the world will end soon cuz the kikes are pushing the pal-a-steneans around and the muslins wont take that shite from them and we will be nuked bak to the stone age. i asked him what was the stone age and he turned on tv and showed me this documentalry from africa and he said thatz is the stone age. i didn't know being nuked turned yuo into a nigger, scuse my language, i mean wog, that is terrible.

POLITICS

Just as cunfusing as relegeon. here in grate briten we have more politceans than ordinary peeple. most of them are  fukkin queers says Robert. he cries when he tells me how the uk ran the entire werld once, now we dont even own englend. he keeps praying for the nukleer war so we can start over and not make the same mistake. instead of billding ships, next time we will billed a big fukkin fence to keep out forreners.i nearly forgot about our Royalty. Robert says they are a form of retards too cuz they dont werk and they get tons of money from taxpayers and all the do is inbreed and are fukked up. Jeez, roberts shur nos a lot of intresting stuff.  Doc shuld get him to write a blog too. pS-robert sez we also have too many nigers here two.

SEX

like i said, i am not too up on this topik other than getting cornholed all the time. and whaking off i do know too. This is confusing sex and religeuos peeple like priests who robert says get more pussy and ass then peeple who are aloud to be getting any sex. Robert sez maybe he shuld be reborn a retarded priest than he wuld have lots of money and sex and not have to werk one day in his life. i think the more he helps me with this blog the madder he is getting. he is also starting to drink now and i think he will be joining morris tinite and will be rogering me roundly as we call it here in englend. i am going to have a sore butt tomorow.

SPORTS

i was in the special olympiks. robert sez whats so special about some retards acting like fukkin goofballs. another collossal waste of time he said. i one sum metals at the olympiks, in apple bobbin cuz 2 others drownded before anyone relized they were dead. i nearly one in the 100 yard dash but sum other tard beat me by 5 minutes. Robert sez that another thing he wuld be like reborn as is a coon in usa and be in sports. he says that mongrel named tigger wudz makes more money than all the wogs in the uk cobmined and all he does is hits gulf ballz and fuk whores.then he says these reely large sized wogs play at bassetball and make the same kind of cash and they molester women too like kobe breeyant. or i culd be a boxers. mick tyson made millions and mixed boxing and cannabalizm and got 2 million dollars biting off a guys ear. how cum they didnt give me money when i bit off father o'reillys weener?


CELEBRITIES  

Selebritys are my favoriite sujekt cuz most are retarded like me butt my favoryte is sean pEnn. he wuz in englund once end i saw him. robert sez he was hanging out with faggs suckin cock praticing for that horrible faggitt movie harvey milker. krist i hate faggs end i dont think shean is a fagg, roberts jist jelous. even a retard like me dusent beleif that michel fiffer, hoo wuz in "I am sam, wood fukk a retard like she did in thet movie. another celebbrity i wood like to have sex with is paris heilton, man i wood shure like to suck her off, yummy.

USA AND CANADA

i AM GETTING  a sore brane so i am stoppin.

Thanks Leonard. Will be getting back to him one day for another blog on insights from a retard.

WHITE KIDS-MY FAVORITE NEGRO

THINGS THAT ARE FUCKED UP  

We have a collection of subjects which I have entitled-Minority Report-for no particular reason other than 'I can'. This will undoubtedly piss a lot of people off, which is my intention. After all this is a world where freedom of speech and expression is nurtured, unless your a fucking white-ass cracker. But many will enjoy this mirth-filled romp into insensitive racial shit. My prof told me that he wished he was at times either a kike, wet-back or coon, than he could say whatever the fuck he wanted to without getting censured by the University. He was found in a dumpster about 2 weeks after making this statement.


MY FAVORITE NEGRO 

Recently, Miss Templeton, a teacher in Fairfax County, Va. asked her Grade 3 class to write an essay on who their favorite Negro was. Being the richest county in the entire USA, many of these kids have never even seen a black person. Here are some of the papers handed in.

REGINALD FORBES III-My favorite Negro or Afro-American, that's what my dad calls them when we have diplomats over, otherwise he calls them coons or porch-monkeys, is Mike Tyson. He combined the artistry of boxing and cannibalism into one MMA. He made over $300 million, almost as much as my dad made in bonuses from the bank he is president of, even though they have 'tanked' 3 times in the last 5 years. It is too bad Mr. Tyson lost all his money when he got the funny looking Negro, Don King to be the manager. One time when my parents were out, I turned the TV to BET to watch Mike and he said Don King was a nigger and Uncle Tom. I sort of know what a nigger is, it is a nasty word for a Negro, but he sure doesn't look like my Uncle Tom! I was sad when Mike went to prison for accidentally raping that woman.

THOMAS WENTWORTH-KILLANE IV-My favorite Negro is Don King, although my friend Reginald doesn't like him. My dad says he is a financial & criminal genius, even though he has the intelligence of a baboon. I find it amazing that he actually killed 2 guys, one he shot in the back, the other he stomped to death and only did 4 years in prison. I read in Forbes, Don has robbed more people of their hard earned money than any ten bankers put together. My next door neighbor Chief Justice Roberts, told my dad that the reason he hasn't gone to jail any longer than he has, is because he only victimizes fellow Negros, mostly boxers. They both laughed their heads off after he said that. His hair looks really funny. My brothers hair looked like that once when he peed the bed and he had an electric blanket on him to keep him warm.

CLARISSA BEVERLY STANTON-MILHOUSE-My favorite Negro is Robert Mugabe. I think this because of what he has succeeded in doing. My great-grandfather once lived in Rhodesia. He told us stories about how it was one of the richest countries in Africa. It was self-sufficient, had prosperous farms and mines and agriculture. All the people were as happy as any African can be expected to be. They had no tribal warfare. In a matter of mere decades, Mr. Mugabe has worked extremely hard to totally destroy the country. They have no food, no farms, suffer from hyperinflation, hard currency shortage, the highest HIV and rapes per capita. The disease rate is probably high because in 1996, doctors and nurses went on strike. Instead of giving them a raise, he killed them. Can you imagine how hard you have to work to actually go out and completely destroy an entire country!

Well, fuck me, I decided that this is it for today's blog. I was going to get into all kinds of shit, like ERA, PC, hate crimes, those dip-shit, dumb-fucks at CNN but I think I have created enough of a shit storm for one day. Next week, some kids from Howard County, Md. have sent me their essays on "My Favorite Hebrew", so see ya next time. Doc






 

TWISTED KIDS QUIZ

DECEMBER FUN QUIZ

I got my hands on the December Fun Quiz for Children that will published in the upcoming Sunday Washington Post. So get your kids together and try and answer the questions. Let's see if how retarded you and your kids are.

The mother in this picture said she-

a) Has the sorest snatch in Arkansas?

b) Has the sorest snatch in the USA?

c) Has the sorest snatch in the world?

This photograph is a accurate depiction of what?                                           

a) Tiger Woods at the Palm Springs Country Club when he was 5 yrs. old?

b) Chris Brown getting ready to tee off on Rhianna?

c) Kobe Bryant taking a break between raping white women at the resort in Eagle, Co.?

This is a picture of which celebrity doing what activity/event?

a) Serena Williams at the N.E. Patriot NFL spring training camp?

b) Oprah Winfrey trying out for 'Dancing With The Stars'?

c) Mike Tyson training for his next bout with Kimbo?

What have these two people have in common?

a) They have both tried to fuck their way into stardom?

b) Could be 'King' & 'Queen' of "The Scumbag/Douchebag Ball?

c) Are as equally disgusting and talentless?

d) Have exactly the same I.Q.-68?

Well wasn't that fun? As you can tell it was a trick quiz because all answers were right or interchangeable. My next blog is on minority rights-white people being the minority in this case! Thank you for reading.

eHARMONY-LOVE REJECTS

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CNN-ANSWERING YOUR QUESTIONS

I always like to take some time to answer questions sent into me from children from all over North America. I have been fortunate enough to get some of the personalities from CNN/HLN to help with these questions. Blog dedicated to my faithful fans in UK.

                                 WOLFE BLITZER ON HATE CRIMES

Mr. Blitzer-Could you explain to me what a 'hate crime' is. I get really confused when I watch CNN and they talk about this crime being committed. Kylee Morrow (age 8).

Kylee-That's an easy one. Here at CNN/HLN we have a specific formula to determine what's a hate crime. Basically, anything that involves a white person doing something to a 'minority' qualifies as a hate crime. For instance, a white cop arrests a black person, that's a hate crime. Or say 3 white teens beat up a black kid, that's a hate crime. Don't get confused by the reverse. If three black teens beat up a white kid. That's just teenagers having a good time. Get it? Here is another example. Say a bunch of guys get shit faced and go on a rampage and they begin to beat up people. Now if they beat up a fa... a gay, that's a hate crime. But if the guy they beat up is straight, he deserves it! It's that easy, Kylee. I hope you read my book when you grow up-"The Pedophiles Guide to the Internet!"

         ANDERSON COOPER ON GAY MARRIAGE

Mr. Cooper-My daddy is a colonel in the army. He says they should allow gays in because they would be good to shoot at for training. He says they wouldn't have to worry about the thing-don't ask, don't tell-because if they have a bullet in them, they can't say shit. Sorry about the language, but that is how my daddy talks. He wants me to talk like that too, cuz he doesn't want a pussy for a son! My question for you is what do you think of gay marriage? Montgomery Clift Jr. (age 7).

Dear Monty-I am all for gay marriage. In fact my boyfriend gave birth to an 8 lb. turd yesterday. We named it Curly Corn Jr. I have a book coming out soon, "Hemorrhoidic Shock-My Life Without KY"!


                                 GLENN BECK ON RELIGION


Mr. Beck-Do you think they should have religion in school and politics? At our school we recognize all religious beliefs so every morning we have prayers for all the religions. By the time we finish it is time to go home. My teacher, Mr.  Braidon says for my assignment on religion, I should ask you because you belong to a really whacked-out church. Is it true you think Jesus was born in Ohio? And that you can have lots of polliwog or polygon marriages? And you can have sex with little girls, even your nieces if you marry them. Even though I am only 5, that sounds really fucked-up! Janice McCallum, age 5, Burbank.

Janice-I do belong to a respectable church. I have to check with my leader, but I think Jesus was born in Idaho or something like that. There are many up-sides to my religious beliefs. For instances-How many guys do you know who get to have a whole stable of wives? This is called polygamy. Ask your dad if he wouldn't mind a ménage á trois with a couple of hot 15 year old chicks? What other church do you know where you can actually buy your way into heaven? Some call it bribery, we call it 'tithing'. You should come to Salt Lake City and see the biggest advantage. There are hardly any Negroes there, just whole bunch of white bread folk like the Osmond Family. Finally, if you want whacked-out, check out Travolta and Cruise and the crazy shit their into. By the way Janice, don't forget to buy my book "Buggery & Bestiality-Two Of My Favorite Things".

Thank you very much guys. I really appreciate it when top talent like this gives back to today's children. Although I wouldn't dare leave my children alone with these three for one minute!

GETTING SHIT-FACED IS FUN

Having a great time while shit-faced has transcended time. Here is a collection of art and photos showing good times with alcohol. Anyone who tells you that drinking is terrible is someone worthy of getting their faced smashed in by a drunk!
        

GOOD TIMES IN BETHLEHEM                                                                                                                                                            
Very few people realized that one of Leonardo Da Vinci's ancestors owned a night club, Bacchus' Bar & Grill, located in the center of the Holy City. It was here that many of the high rollers and celebrities of that time partied and got into a lot of debauchery. These stories were passed down through the family. Here are two of Leonardo's paintings from one unforgettable party. On the right is St. Peter, totally shitfaced and being thrown out the back door by one of the bouncers, Lou Cipher. On the left is St. Paul being escorted out the front door by another bouncer, Abraxas and a stripper. Historians think this was at a stag thrown for Jesus!                                                                     

POLAND'S DESIGNATED WHEEL BARROW PROGRAM   

The Polish Government has always been at the forefront when it comes to innovative ideas and programs. The Interior Minister claims that it was a Polack who invented the wheel in 1931. Last year they began the  Safe Driver Program. For only 170 Kopecks ($1.50) you can hire an old lady to wheel you up to 120 miles. Poland says they have saved millions in deductibles and hundreds of lives from the accidents involving wheelbarrows!

PABSTS BLUE RIBBON-CHRISTMAS CHEER

With Xmas soon approaching, the media blitz is on to get everyone blitzed during the festive season. Pabst has come out with a line of beer that has a baby bottle top. Isn't it fucking annoying when your pissing it up on New Year's Eve and one of your guests ask-"Isn't that your baby throwing a tantrum in the bedroom?" The alcohol content is 28% so before you know it, Junior is in an alcohol induced coma and you can get back to the fun! Little fellow in the picture is asking the bartender for 4 fingers of scotch as a chaser.                                                                        

DRUNK OR RETARDED?

Ever had the experience when someone was acting like a complete asshole in the pub and people would stare and say-"Is that guy drunk or just a fucking retard?" Thanks to those do-gooders and social reformers, they may be both. Another up-side of these social reforms is in the fact that you no longer have to hide your retarded brother or sister when having a party. Or leave them at home when you go to the pub to enjoy a couple of dozen brews, worrying about that weird shit retards do when their alone-like burning down your house or having sex with your pets. Now you can take them with you to the pub, get them drunk and watch the fun begin! They can come in real handy when some bad shit starts to go down at the next table. Say some biker is being loud and obnoxious. Get tardo to walk over and bust a beer mug over his head. Even a biker knows that nobody can fuck-up a tard without everyone coming down on him. Even his fellow bikers frown on someone beating the shit out of a mongoloid!

STAG PARTY HI JINX


Who can resist the great fun and excitement of getting your best friend completely shit-faced the night before his wedding. There are hundreds of harmless pranks you can pull off. Such as forcing him drink a 40 oz. of tequila, putting him in the ER with alcohol poisoning. Shaving his balls then super-gluing both of his hands to his cock or getting some diseased crack whore to fuck him! The classiest thing to do (picture on the right)-shaving a happy face on his ass and publishing the picture on Youtube for all the world to see, even his bride-to-be's parents who are devote Christians and hate his fucking guts and wished their little girl never met the prick!!

CLASSY GENTLEMEN

Nothing wrong with having a couple of brews and relaxing in a doorway like these two upstanding college kids. Everyone needs to take a break every once in a while. Why people object to these non-offensive activities I'll never know!

That's it for fun with drunkeness! Doc

CELEBS-WHEN THEY WERE UGLY

BEFORE THEY WERE FAMOUS

Andy Leibowitz has been an author and photographer for over two decades. His new book, The Famous & The Fucked-Up, will soon be hitting book stores. "This will be the last book I will be publishing. Unfortunately, the retardation of America is now full blown. People are not into reading or looking at photos unless it's porno," said Andy. Here are a few of the classic photos he has collected of some of today's stars when they were children. He has included some info behind the circumstances of each picture. Another reason Andy is leaving this field could also be due to the fact he took a real shit-kicking from a kangaroo at the petting zoo!

 PAUL DAVID HEWSON (BONO)

This is a photo of Paul the day he entered the Northern Ireland Home for Abandoned Children and Leprechauns. When he walked into the room, the first thought I had was -The things you see when you don't have a gun handy! It was here that he met David Howell Evans. The two were never adopted even though the headmaster, Father Guido Sanducci said the boys came with a lifetime supply of potatoes and Irish Whiskey. They later went on to form one of the most famous bands in the world-U2. You may know these two better by their stage names Bono (Paul) and The Edge (David).

 
SIMON COWELL

This is a picture I took of Simon the day he was booked into Brighton Juvenile Detention Center. He had been arrested for 'Impersonating a Human Being' and breach of parole. The breach of parole was for an earlier arrest for identity theft. He had tried to make some high-end purchases at London's Harrod Department Store using the identity of Princess Diana.

KANYE OMARI WEST 

One of my most interesting assignments was when I was asked by National Geographic Society to illustrate one of their books-Evolution of Man. This photo was used for the section "The Missing Link". Even at the tender age of 6, Kanye was an insufferable little prick and had a star mentality.

SETH ROGEN

This picture was taken when I was contracted by Vancouver Talmud Torah Elementary School. When Seth walked into the room for his photo, his teacher asked me if leprosy was endemic to North America. Seth's parents were very upset with his situation. He still hadn't been circumcised yet because they couldn't find a Mohel to perform the ritual. Explained Rabbi Goldberg, Principal of the school-"Take a look at Seth! Who in their right mind would go near the crotch of someone whose face looks that diseased?" You can't question that kind of logic.

MICHAEL DWAYNE VICK

This has to be one of the most enigmatic of all the children I have photographed. This little guy had a heart of gold and was as homely as a baboon's ass. How he turned into that handsome, swarthy dog-murderer, I'll never know. But, that's life!!

Bye.

TMZ-NEWS PARODY ON CELEBS

 THE REAL LOWDOWN & SHIT ABOUT CELEBRITIES

WARNING XTREME PARODY MAY OFFEND

BILLY JOEL & ELTON JOHN

It was a really bad start to the 'Piano Men Tour'-Elton got the Rectal Flu and Billy found out he was a talentless fuck, but the show is back on the road. This picture shows the boys rolling into London's Wembley Stadium kicking off the UK leg. In attendance was Queen Elizabeth who told reporters after the show-"I didn't know whether to shit or go blind!" They have a CD coming out in December-"Two Fat Fucks Milking It".

JETHRO TULL

Ian Anderson of Jethro Tull is really excited about joining several retro-bands for this summers blockbuster tour-"Really Old Fuckers Rocking". Included in the line-up will be The Troggs, Herman's Hermits, Jerry and the Pacemakers (interestingly, everyone of the band members now have pacemakers since they are all now in the 70's) and The Animals, even though every member of that band is dead. Pictured is a really coked-up Ian doing a special performance for Pope Benedict at the Vatican.

METALLICA

Metallica's 6 year, 400 city world tour "The Same Shit As The Last Tour" has raked in billions. Pictured is James Hetfield, relaxing after a sold out show at the Budokan in Tokyo.I sleep with a gun cause I don't trust these foreigners. James has said that after successfully copyrighting the word Metallica, they are looking into doing the same with the following words-'Band', 'The', 'James', and a few others. Maybe they should also include 'asshole'!

SEX IN THE CITY

Fans of the show will be happy to hear that a new season of the show is now in production. Creator of the show, Darren Star, said he had some major concerns. "The girls packed on a few pounds over the last couple of years. Wardrobe was in a real quandary on what to do till they found out Serena Williams has a clothing line out (in the picture the girls are modeling some of Serena's bathing-suits). With the story line always revolving around intimate relationships, what man in his right mind would want to fuck these porkers, other than Jamaicans!"  Kim Cantrall, far left, said somehow they would have to hide her unexpected pregnancy. "I know through the magic of TV, nobody will even know I am expecting!" gushed Kim.

LANCE ARMSTRONG

"This year will most likely be my last Tour de France," said a sad Lance Armstrong, spotted coming out of a Marseilles pharmacy with a supply of steroids during a pause in the 3rd leg of the Tour. "I just don't seem to have the stamina anymore. And I don't know if it is due to the fact I lost my nuts or those fucking steroids not working like they used too!" said a tearful Lance. This could be the last time his fans see him wearing the race leader's yellow jersey!

HULK HOGAN

In an interview with TMZ, the Hulkster said he has had a drastic reaction to a new steroid he has switched to.  "A lot of people might not see the subtle change in me," he lamented, " but I got to tell you I am really happy with the hair growth. Having your nuts fall off and your tits shoot out can really fuck a guy's head up!" According to estranged and strange ex-wife Linda, his nuts have been merely decoration anyways for the last 10 years. "They were about the size of those little Glossette Chocolate Peanuts," she says. "Some nights, I would hear him in bathroom pounding his pudding for a good hour with no results."

STEPHEN KING

Mr. King just finished his annual 6 month "vacation" in the Bangor Psychiatric Hospital. Here he proudly displays the 2 paper-mache figures he made in therapy class. "I am going to start a new line of toys for toddlers (what infant wouldn't want to have these hanging from their crib?) I was in the knitting class but they kicked me out when I stuck knitting needles in this cunts eyes after she said I look funny! Now she doesn't have to look at anyone," giggled Stephen. When asked if he is working on a new book he said, "When the fuck aren't I?" Stephen was also asked if he had any lingering effects from that terrible accident in 1999. You may remember he was hit by that van when he was standing in the middle of Highway 5 at 4 a.m., waving at some aliens who were signaling him from Venus. "No I don't", said Stephen, "the doctor said it was a good thing that my head took the entire impact of the van that hit me at 80 mph!" That's nice Stephen!

KISS TOUR

It seems another rock band trying to make a comeback tour has run into a few snags. Pictured here is Gene Simmons who collapsed on stage two minutes into the first song on opening night at Staples Center in LA. Paul Stanley was not too amused by the turn of events. "Take a look at that dissipated, lizard tongued mother fucker!" screamed Paul. "If I didn't know any better I'd say he has fucking AIDS." Since Gene did little else than stick his tongue out while on stage, a couple of stage-hands propped him up by sticking a broom up his ass, while one of the equipment managers stood behind him playing the bass guitar as badly as Gene.

BILL CLINTON 

Bill is giving back to the community by talking to young kids in inner-city schools. Uncle Bill has been explaining the 'opportunities' and the advantages of being a politician. Here he is showing little Antonio Vargas III his scrap book of all the women he has porked since he first entered politics. The book contains approximately 6,000 choice pieces of ass! Little Antonio asked Bill for the phone number of the blond on the right. Bill said that the door is now wide open for anyone in the USA-"Who would have thought a spear-chuck...black man could become the President, just nosing out a bitch, I mean my wife! You can't imagine the shit you can get away with when your a politician! Being in politics is more profitable than being a crack dealer or pimp. The chances of getting arrested are minimal!"

JONAS BROTHERS

The Jonas Brothers were disappointed losers at the EMA's. They lost out to Tokio Hotel as 'Best Young Fag Band'. The father of the boys, Paul Jonas, Sr. is seen returning to the hotel with some KFC. "I know how to cheer the boys up!" said the twisted old prick. In December, the boys join Miley Cyrus for a mega tour sponsored by the Disney Corporation. The "Who The Fuck Would Actually Buy Tickets To See These Dip-Shits Other Than Retarded Teen-Age Girls Tour" will hit several cities. Jonas Brothers manager says there is no under-estimating the bad taste of their fans. "When I look out at the crowd, I swear to Christ I think I'm at the Special Olympics. I didn't know there were these many tards in America. Thank you God, is all I can say!"

Well, I guess thats enough sick and twisted shit for one day. Man I am on a roll. If my wife ever reads this.....

C & W AIDS BENEFIT

 THE NASHVILLE AIDS BENEFIT

Some of the greatest Country & Western stars performed for "The Cowboy's Benefit Concert For AIDS". Fans of C&W music will be able to purchase CD/DVD from Wal-Mart. Each and every song was written specifically for this concert. Here is the line-up of the stars that performed and the songs that will be included on the CD.

 


THE FOUR AMIGOS



This "Super Group" made up of Alan Jackson, Tim McGraw, Toby Keith and Keith Urban brought down the house with the following songs.

• 'Drop Dem Britches & Grab Some Ankle'
• 'The Cowboy With The Purdy Lips!'
• 'Ridin' Bare Back Blues'
• 'Whisker Burns On My Crotch'
• 'Gonna Fuck-Up Those Dixie Chicks'

DIXIE CHICKS

The Texas Trio were greeted by a loud chorus of boos and jeers because of the comments they made about George Bush and the war in Iraq when they were in London. But they soon won the hearts of die hard shit-kickers in the audience with a stellar performance of the following songs.

• 'Got Nothing Against Fags'
• 'Saddle Sore Snatch'
• 'Toby Keith Is Such A Pussy!'
• 'Bush Looks Good To Us Now That A N....!'

GARTH BROOKS

To say the audience was stunned by Garth's new personae would have been understatement. To make matters worse, he was was totally shit-faced on bourbon. After his performance, Garth was asked to clarify and define his new style and image. "I would call it retro-retard or plain hillbilly dumb fuck", slurred Garth. His songs were classic Garth-from the heart and brutally honest. His first song was dedicated to the men in uniform fighting in Iraq.

• 'Light-Up Those Dunecoons!'
  
• 'We Got What In The Whitehouse?'
• 'Steers & Queers-A Texas BBQ!'
• 'Sickle Cell & AIDS-Thank You God!'

DOLLY PARTON

Dolly flew into Nashville after doing a shoot in Little Rock, Arkansas for Jenny Craig. Still sporting a magnificent set of tits, she got the crowd on their feet and running for the doors when she ripped off this tremendous fart that blew out several amps! Dolly still has the voice of an angel and an incredible song writing ability. Here are the songs she delivered.

• 'Is That Shit On Your Cock?'
  
• 'Hobnobbing & Knob Gobbling!'
• 'Misty Mountain Fag Drag!'

After the concert was over and the party was in full swing, many of the celebs were a little dumb founded by the misconception they were under. Many did not realize they had raised money to help wipe-out AIDS. Kenny Rogers said they thought they were raising money to wipe-out homos. "Fuck me," opined Kenny, "that's the last time I sign a contract without letting my agent and lawyer read it first!"

FAT FAMOUS JEWISH FELLOWS

GETTING LAID

The 3 disgusting fat bodies on the left, swathed in therapeutic underwear, were getting desperate to get laid. The tubster at the bottom had been paying big bucks to his sister to give them a weekly hand-job. But this was losing the excitement they were looking for. The dork in the glasses came up with the brain-storm that soon brought fame, fortune and fucking! The simplicity was underwhelming.

Seth, "We're Jewish, right guys?"

"That's right!" chorused the tubby twosome.

Seth, "We have very limited talent, right?"

"You are right on the mark again!" enthused the tubbies.

Seth, "None of us can write worth a shit, right?"

"Fucking A!" screamed the excited pudsters, sensing the fat fuck was going somewhere with this line of questioning.

"And aren't we as funny as that hemorrhoid Adam Sandler? " screamed the pretentious porkster.

"Yes we are!", gushed the porcine ones as they came in their pants in anticipation of the next question.

"And we can't even buy a blow job from a crack whore?" sputtered the pathetic circumcised one.

"Now your getting on our nerves fucknuts, what is your point?" said the exasperated ones.

"We have all the qualifications needed to make it big in Hollywood. So lets say we go there make a dozen movies about jacking-off, getting laid, blow-jobs, menstruation, porno movies............


They did and now the ladies can't keep their hands off these Hebrew Hotties!!

THE SHINING-A PARODY

AN INCREDIBLY FUCKED UP TALE CONTINUES

I hope you're waiting with anticipation for this next installment! I am and I'm writing this unbelievable shit. I can no longer find the sick and twisted parody that I find amusing so I have had to resort to writing it myself. Not that Steven King's material isn't profoundly bizarre, but he does it unintentionally which takes the fun out of it.

***This is a rough draft. I am forever editing and re-editing this shit. Some of the editions are in my other blog CrudeRudeComedy.blogspot.com 

Sixteen miles away, in the town of Derry, the citizens stood in stunned silence. For nearly 6 hours the thunderous roar of a fire-fight had ripped through the night air. Nobody, not even the police or military, thought that maybe they should go check and see what the fuck was going down in Bangor.

Now, if the sound of the guns was impressive, they should have seen the barrage of muzzle flashes coming from the second floor window of the old Robertson house. The fireworks these boys poured out onto the neighborhood would have made a Chinaman extremely proud. For 6 hours, Bartlett, Dipshit, Fungus and Gnarly had shot at anything & everything that moved or appeared to move.

The 'Mist' had actually disappeared 2 hours into the one-sided battle but this did not dampen the boys enthusiasm. At first, the monsters had the upper hand. They were dragging citizens around in their teeth and tearing the shit out of everything. The tactical precision the boys employed was impeccable. Dipshit began taking out the spiders with the shotgun, using the sniper rifle, Gnarly picked off the clowns, Bartlett & Fungus shot anything else that moved. The only reason they stopped was because they ran out of ammo. The rapscallions were now standing knee-deep in brass shell casings. The smell of gun powder would take days to clear away.

"I can't fucking believe it!" laughed Fungus, as he pointed to the street corner, "Look who's the 'Last Man Standing!"

Still clinging to the street light, where he and his wife had been ordered to stay, was old man Robertson. Surrounded by dead clowns, Martians, spiders, St. Bernards and bits and pieces of his wife, the old feller yelled up to the boys, "Seeing as you lads are taking a break from your personal Armageddon, mind if I take a piss?"

"Go for it old man, you earned it!" snarled Dipshit.

"Man, oh man, I didn't think you could bring down buildings with rifle power," said Fungus as the boys surveyed what remained of the marble edifice that had once been City Hall.

CHAPTER 21

Ominous clouds could be seen rolling over the snow covered peaks of the mountains as Bartlett, his wife Wendy and their son Danny pulled into the sprawling driveway of the Overlook Resort. It was exactly 20 years to the day since Bartlett and his 3 buddies had leveled the town of Bangor. Looking in the rear view mirror he could see Danny talking to his finger again.

"What the fuck is wrong with that kid, Wendy. I don't know where he got it from, my family was completely normal," commiserated Bartlett, polishing off a 40 pounder of whiskey and breaking the empty bottle over the kid's head.

After crushing a couple of tourists and a bellhop between his car and the Jaguar they were putting their luggage in, Bartlett headed for the lobby to talk to the manager, Stuart Ullman.

Spotting Ullman near the reception desk, Bartlett stumbled towards him, crashing into an old lady. Flipping over an ornamental planter and crashing onto the marble floor, the distinctive snapping of her hip could be heard across the entire lobby.

"Sorry about that chief," snickered Bartlett as he stooped down, picked up her purse and casually removed her cash.

"That's gotta fucking hurt!" said Ullman, as he took Bartlett's hand and gave it a hearty shake.

As they were shaking hands, Bartlett noticed the head cook, Dick Hollaran, with his hands all over the ass of some young chick. "I heard you had ghosts here, but I didn't realize you had 'spooks', too," slurred Bartlett.

"That's a good one, I'll have to remember it. That's Dick, the token black Stephen King includes in all his novels. He'll be showing your wife and kid around while I get you up to speed," explained Ullman. "Hey, Dick, do you wanna show the lady and her son the kitchen?"

"Sho nuff, massa!" joked Dick, taking Danny's hand and walking towards the men's restroom. "Hey Danny, you ever handle a Black Mambo Snake before?"

"Goddamn it, Dick, quit fucking around and show them the kitchen!" screamed Ullman. "Okey dokey, let's give you a quick tour of  the hotel."

Pushing the button for the elevator, Ullman began telling Bartlett about the rich history of the Overlook."This place has had more than it's share of unfortunate incidents and bad luck. There have been 74 murders, 36 suicides and 254 unsolved sexual assaults," sadly explained Ullman.

"That's a fair number in a 80 year history!" said an amazed Bartlett.

"80 years! That was this summer," chimed Ullman, as the elevator opened and they both got in.

"Stuart, who are those two weird little bitches standing in the corner of the elevator," said a puzzled Bartlett.

"Oh, them. They're ghosts. Shoo, shoo, get the fuck out of here!" admonished Stuart, waving his hands wildly in the apparitions making them disappear. "Those two little cunts really get on my nerves."

"Who were they?" said Bartlett.

"The last caretaker, Grady had twin daughters and I guess they got on his nerves so he chopped them up with an ax!" said Ullman.

"Was it cabin fever that got to him?" said a very worried Bartlett.

"I don't think so. It happened on the first day he got here. He did it in the lobby in front of a couple of dozens guests," snickered Ullman as they stepped out of the elevator on the third floor. Pointing to room 323, Ullman warned Bartlett, "Whatever you do, don't try to fuck the naked broad in this room. She may look hot at first but she is the ghost of a really old rotten lady who offed herself in the shitter. I got sucked in once & it took me two weeks to get the reek off me!"

I need to take a break, so that is it for this edition of my blog. The next installment is filled with all kinds of weirdness and sickness. Doc

THE NEW POLAND

I do apologize to the citizens of Poland. This is not very funny in afterthought.

In an effort to change their maligned & undeserved image as a nation of neanderthals & morons, the government of Poland has begun a media & PR blitz. This includes a campaign to attract business & tourists. They also initiated some policies to improve conditions within the country. Here are some of the improvements they have made-

INTERNAL AFFAIRS

• Polish Daylight Saving Time (PDST) will be initiated November 32 (on the Polish calender), 2010. Clocks will move ahead 12 hours. Minister of Clocks & Salt Mines, Yugo Dzlexis says-"This means that Polish people won't even have to fuck around with the little knobs on the watches. It will be of great benefit to night-shift workers because they will no longer have to work in the dark anymore. Crime rates will drop significantly because statistic show most crime happens at night. Women will feel much safer walking around at night because it will be sunny. Unfortunately, this means daytime will be much scarier & dangerous because it will be dark".

• Interior Minister, Zotsli Dzoski explains his innovative idea-"We plan to switch July & August with November & December. People will be able to ski, skate and make snowmen without getting cold. They can even wear shorts and tee shirts. Christmas shopping will be much easier. We have noticed that the stores and shops are not as busy in the summer, while in December, the stores are packed with shoppers.
  

• Minister of Education & Sewers, Krakiv Krakov explains his brilliant ideas-"Because of the huge drop-out rate of kids before they reach high school, we are reversing the education system. Children will now start out in Grade 12 and work back to Grade 1. That way they get the hard and difficult shit out of the way & as their education continues things get easier. As a consequence, they will stay in school longer. We have also purchased 3,000 Minivac 601 Computers (built by SDC in 1965) from the Chechyan Minister of Trade. These computers will replace the Chinese abaci being used in our high schools & the University of Polanska. These computers are so clever & advanced you can play checkers and tic-tac-toe on them, we are so proud!"

• Minister of Trains, Planes, Donkey Carts & Big Boats, Dzoxsty Piloxi explains his plans-"Because of high unemployment in southern Poland, we have moved the ship building yards from Gdansk to Nowy Sakz. Now I have to figure out a way to transport ships that weigh 10 thousand tons the 1,000 mile trip back to the Baltic Sea".

• A campaign is on to attract new business. For the first year of business, free labor will be provided by the prison system. Companies are made aware of the fact the the Polish laborer works for less than a Mexican.
  

Ministry of Tourism, Sanitation & Prisons has been very busy creating new attractions for tourists. The more exciting tourists attractions include-

• Grabovski Coal Mine-Tourists can go 3 miles underground in a real coal mine. Using picks & shovels they experience what it is like to be a real miner. They may even be lucky enough to find some of the 84 coal miners who were trapped 3 years ago when a methane explosion brought down 3 miles of tunnel.

• Broltzki Lake Resort-This will prove to be a haven for tourists who are into water sports. This lake was used by the Russian Atomic Energy program as a dumping spot for nuclear waste. If you are into fishing, you'll be able to try your luck with some species unique to this lake. There are 5-Eyed Lake Trout, the Twin-Tailed Salmon and the Flashing Red & Green 2 Headed Eel. There is no need for sonar when trying to locate a school of fish. A Geiger counter is included with boat & cabin. Night fishing is also an option. The lake gives off a very subtle green florescence. The fish flash like neon signs below the surface. Many people believe the lake has some healing powers. Many who suffer from arthritis come to soak in the extremely warm waters of this lake. Once the flesh burns heal, they say the aches and pains in their joints have disappeared as does all their bodily hair!

Some real crazy shit has gone down in Warsaw that will effect the commuters as well as tourism. Some coal miners mistook the subway entrance as the mine they work at. They dynamited approximately 16 miles of subway tunnel before authorities could stop them. How this happened is even bewildering to the Polacks because these guys were 300 miles from their work site.

That is it for today's blog.

SEXUAL QUESTIONS FROM KIDS

 WARNING-PARODY SATIRE MAY OFFEND SOME

Today's entry is devoted to answering questions sent to me by some of the kids who like to read my blog. They are keenly aware of my insight & compassion when helping others with their problems. And they know that I am an expert on everything and I won't bullshit them.

Mikey MacDonald

Mikey is 7 years old and lives in Sherman Oaks, California. Here is his question-"Dr. Sven, who should I report a malfunctioning mailman to? For some reason, the mailman on our street seems to be leaking lots of air. The other day, I came home early from school and my mother was blowing him up or trying to re-inflate him or something! I talked to my friends Michelle & Antoine and they say he must be leaking lots of air cause they've seen their mommies blowing him up too! Should I phone the post office or tell my teacher or what?"

"Mikey, it's a good thing you asked me and not your father. If you have a good home & love your mommy and daddy, I would just leave things as they are. It is best not to get any other adults involved unless you want to fuck things up beyond repair! And tell the same thing to Michelle & Antoine. This problem is not uncommon with mailmen. Mikey, could you send me your address, I might want to make a special delivery to your house & sometimes I leak air!"

Britney Cafferty

Britney is six and lives in Pinellas Park, Florida. She has become involuntarily involved in a activity that is disturbing & epedimic in proportion. This is Britney's question-"Dr. Sven, pretty near every week-end for the last 2 years my mommy has been dressing me up like a cheap whore and entering me in "Beauty Pageants". As disturbing as it is that she dresses me this way, she also has a fucked-up approach to fiscal responsibility. I have totaled up our expenses for one year. My clothes, make-up, costumes, dancing coach (this flaming fag who lives in another town) hair dresser, entrance fees & transportation came to a whopping $85,000!  My daddy can't stop her cause he is pussy-whipped. Two weeks ago I won the grand prize of $2000 & my mom went ape-shit with excitement. I told her that only leaves us $83,000 in the hole. She started crying and called me an ungrateful bitch. Dr. Sven, do you know it is always the same kids & mothers at every fucking show, are our mom's retarded?"

"No Britney, your moms aren't tards, they are suffering from "Benet-Ramsey Syndrome". Here are the reasons for this, your mom has no life & was probably a 'prize-pig' when she was a little girl. She is living her life vicariously through you. There is not much you can do to get out of this situation unless you want to go to extremes. This means calling Children Services in your home town & telling them you were molested by either one of the judges, your faggy coach or your mother. The down side of this is that you may have to move into a foster home and never see the rest of your family ever again!

Shaquille MacNeil

Shaquille is 9 and lives in Burbank, California. He asks-"Dr. Sven, what so bad about being an electrician? You see my daddy is an executive with NBC, but I think he may be going into another line of work & my mom is really pissed at him. They are fighting all the time and I am afraid they will divorce. The other day my mom was talking to the ladies who come over for coffee & bitching. My mom was ragging on my dad. She says he is getting a little AC/DC and he has been plugging into anything and everything. If this keeps up she said she is going to divorce him and take the house, me and my brother and every penny in the bank account. I don't think anything is wrong working on electricity. And I thought electricians made good money, almost as much as a doctor, especially if they have no "scruples", whatever that means. Oh yeah, one more thing, my grandpa used to puff on a pipe, is a peter something like a pipe? Because my mom also said my dad is a 'peter-puffer'?"

"Electricians do make good money Shaquille! As for scruples, they human traits instilled in normal human beings that guide us in decision making. For example they allow us to be fair, kind and honest to other humans. If you have no scruples, you will fuck over anyone for a buck. For examples, on Sunday TV you have televangelists like Hinn, Swaggart & Copeland who take money from old people who are poor and they spend it on jets, mansions and hookers. They have no 'scruples'. Back to your situation, your dad is getting into a field that has no future and will cause your family a lot of pain and anguish so you best hope he stays with NBC and he gives up his interest in the 'electrical field' before your mom kicks him to the curb!

It is going to be a long time before I do a blog like this again. I thought adults had it tough in this world. It makes you wonder how fucked-up this world is going to get before Armageddon? That's it for today's blog & thank you for reading. Please support my sponsors. I want to prove to my wife it wasn't a mistake for me to leave the medical field to write a blog! The Doc.