THE SHINING-A PARODY

AN INCREDIBLY FUCKED UP TALE CONTINUES

I hope you're waiting with anticipation for this next installment! I am and I'm writing this unbelievable shit. I can no longer find the sick and twisted parody that I find amusing so I have had to resort to writing it myself. Not that Steven King's material isn't profoundly bizarre, but he does it unintentionally which takes the fun out of it.

***This is a rough draft. I am forever editing and re-editing this shit. Some of the editions are in my other blog CrudeRudeComedy.blogspot.com 

Sixteen miles away, in the town of Derry, the citizens stood in stunned silence. For nearly 6 hours the thunderous roar of a fire-fight had ripped through the night air. Nobody, not even the police or military, thought that maybe they should go check and see what the fuck was going down in Bangor.

Now, if the sound of the guns was impressive, they should have seen the barrage of muzzle flashes coming from the second floor window of the old Robertson house. The fireworks these boys poured out onto the neighborhood would have made a Chinaman extremely proud. For 6 hours, Bartlett, Dipshit, Fungus and Gnarly had shot at anything & everything that moved or appeared to move.

The 'Mist' had actually disappeared 2 hours into the one-sided battle but this did not dampen the boys enthusiasm. At first, the monsters had the upper hand. They were dragging citizens around in their teeth and tearing the shit out of everything. The tactical precision the boys employed was impeccable. Dipshit began taking out the spiders with the shotgun, using the sniper rifle, Gnarly picked off the clowns, Bartlett & Fungus shot anything else that moved. The only reason they stopped was because they ran out of ammo. The rapscallions were now standing knee-deep in brass shell casings. The smell of gun powder would take days to clear away.

"I can't fucking believe it!" laughed Fungus, as he pointed to the street corner, "Look who's the 'Last Man Standing!"

Still clinging to the street light, where he and his wife had been ordered to stay, was old man Robertson. Surrounded by dead clowns, Martians, spiders, St. Bernards and bits and pieces of his wife, the old feller yelled up to the boys, "Seeing as you lads are taking a break from your personal Armageddon, mind if I take a piss?"

"Go for it old man, you earned it!" snarled Dipshit.

"Man, oh man, I didn't think you could bring down buildings with rifle power," said Fungus as the boys surveyed what remained of the marble edifice that had once been City Hall.

CHAPTER 21

Ominous clouds could be seen rolling over the snow covered peaks of the mountains as Bartlett, his wife Wendy and their son Danny pulled into the sprawling driveway of the Overlook Resort. It was exactly 20 years to the day since Bartlett and his 3 buddies had leveled the town of Bangor. Looking in the rear view mirror he could see Danny talking to his finger again.

"What the fuck is wrong with that kid, Wendy. I don't know where he got it from, my family was completely normal," commiserated Bartlett, polishing off a 40 pounder of whiskey and breaking the empty bottle over the kid's head.

After crushing a couple of tourists and a bellhop between his car and the Jaguar they were putting their luggage in, Bartlett headed for the lobby to talk to the manager, Stuart Ullman.

Spotting Ullman near the reception desk, Bartlett stumbled towards him, crashing into an old lady. Flipping over an ornamental planter and crashing onto the marble floor, the distinctive snapping of her hip could be heard across the entire lobby.

"Sorry about that chief," snickered Bartlett as he stooped down, picked up her purse and casually removed her cash.

"That's gotta fucking hurt!" said Ullman, as he took Bartlett's hand and gave it a hearty shake.

As they were shaking hands, Bartlett noticed the head cook, Dick Hollaran, with his hands all over the ass of some young chick. "I heard you had ghosts here, but I didn't realize you had 'spooks', too," slurred Bartlett.

"That's a good one, I'll have to remember it. That's Dick, the token black Stephen King includes in all his novels. He'll be showing your wife and kid around while I get you up to speed," explained Ullman. "Hey, Dick, do you wanna show the lady and her son the kitchen?"

"Sho nuff, massa!" joked Dick, taking Danny's hand and walking towards the men's restroom. "Hey Danny, you ever handle a Black Mambo Snake before?"

"Goddamn it, Dick, quit fucking around and show them the kitchen!" screamed Ullman. "Okey dokey, let's give you a quick tour of  the hotel."

Pushing the button for the elevator, Ullman began telling Bartlett about the rich history of the Overlook."This place has had more than it's share of unfortunate incidents and bad luck. There have been 74 murders, 36 suicides and 254 unsolved sexual assaults," sadly explained Ullman.

"That's a fair number in a 80 year history!" said an amazed Bartlett.

"80 years! That was this summer," chimed Ullman, as the elevator opened and they both got in.

"Stuart, who are those two weird little bitches standing in the corner of the elevator," said a puzzled Bartlett.

"Oh, them. They're ghosts. Shoo, shoo, get the fuck out of here!" admonished Stuart, waving his hands wildly in the apparitions making them disappear. "Those two little cunts really get on my nerves."

"Who were they?" said Bartlett.

"The last caretaker, Grady had twin daughters and I guess they got on his nerves so he chopped them up with an ax!" said Ullman.

"Was it cabin fever that got to him?" said a very worried Bartlett.

"I don't think so. It happened on the first day he got here. He did it in the lobby in front of a couple of dozens guests," snickered Ullman as they stepped out of the elevator on the third floor. Pointing to room 323, Ullman warned Bartlett, "Whatever you do, don't try to fuck the naked broad in this room. She may look hot at first but she is the ghost of a really old rotten lady who offed herself in the shitter. I got sucked in once & it took me two weeks to get the reek off me!"

I need to take a break, so that is it for this edition of my blog. The next installment is filled with all kinds of weirdness and sickness. Doc