THING THAT IS KIRSTIE ALLEY

 WARNING-SATIRE PARODY MAY OFFEND SOME!!!!


THE KIRSTIE ALLEY UP-DATE

Let's catch up on what's been happening with Kirstie Alley. Having no shame, the portly one has never been one to shy away from the limelight and the camera. In a recent interview with USA Today, she jokingly told a reporter-"Good thing I don't have a period anymore, I'd have to use a bale of cotton as a tampon, hee hee!" Papparazzi have had to go to super wide-angle lenses in an attempt to get the porker into the photograph. To look at her, one would think that she has been living a very sedentary life-style, but she has been very active (waddling to and from the couch to the fridge, she averages about 15 miles per day) and involved in several projects. There's 3 TV shows, a new diet book and a very active social life.

WEIGHT-LOSS PROGRAMS

• For awhile, Kirstie had restricted her food intake to 'protein shakes' until her boyfriend said it had to stop. "Do you know how dangerous and frightening it is to jump up and down while Kirstie is giving you a blow-job," said Paul.
• In People Magazine, Kirstie confesses she gained 78 lbs. while on a Vegan Diet. Asked how this was possible, she said it was probably due to the fact that a salad for her consisted of 4 heads of lettuce, 6 cucumbers, a dozen tomatoes which were drenched in 2 gallons of oil & vinegar dressing then topped with a couple of pounds of croutons. Megan Fauxxe, who wrote the "Vegan Nation Diet Book', stated that KFC, spoonfuls of bacon grease, Big Macs & super-sized fries are not considered part of a Vegan Diet.
• As for her new book, Paul Henderson, of Amazon books, says,  "It was a real risk trying to sell a diet book authored by a cow that weighs nearly 300 pounds. This bears out with the pre-sales, 3 books total, all purchased by Ms. Alley's family, fuck me! That's just brutal!"

TV PROJECTS

• Porkette Pig has a shot at another TV series, Big Life, courtesy of A&E. Wonder how they came up with that title? Anyways, she will show the viewers some of the difficulties faced by the morbidly obese, like trying to wipe your ass with a roll of toilet paper wedged on a cane, using scissor jacks to lift your pendulous tits so you powder and talc the chaffing, paying kids in the neighborhood to give you a hand tying up your shoe laces and other niceties.
• Simon Cowell has agreed to host a new show on Fox called "Hollywood Heifers". Guests include Kirstie, Rosie O'Donnell, Venus & Serena Williams, Queen Latifah and perrenial fat-body, Oprah. They will have tips and ideas for other fat slobs. Serena, who has a degree in clothes design, will show the girls how to make a nice comfy dress out of a 12-man army tent, how to safely pull a wedgie out with a coat hanger.
• Speaking of Rosie O'Donnell, she has come out with a new line of cosmetics in partnership with Ellen Dejenerate. They have a perfume called 'Hint of Bush', a new lip-gloss that is hypo-allergenic so other dykes won't suffer from the muff-divers biggest bane, 'beaver blister'.
• Not one to sit around and  bemoan the loss of her Jenny Craig sponsorship, Kirstie has signed on with Goodyear. They will stick a hose up her ass, fill her with helium and you will see her flying over next years "Super Bowl". Go Packers!

SOCIAL LIFE

•  Kirstie attended the annual Scientology Halloween costume party with good friends, Tom Cruise, John Travolta and Nicolas Cage. Attendees were asked to dress as their favorite sci-fi character. Tom took 1st prize in his Princess Leia ensemble. John Travolta was dressed as Luke Skywalker, Nicolas was a full blown retard and you probably guessed it already, Kirstie was Jabba The Hutt. In a brilliant stroke of genius and using make-up and glued on eyes, she transformed a huge mole on her ass to resemble Jabba's pet, 'Rancor'.
• Arnold Schwarzenegger has convinced the US Postal Service to award his good friend Kirstie's ass it's own zip code. It will be the only moving zip code in the US.

That's it for today's disgusting blog. My diseased mind is wavering in and out of lucid thoughts. Doc.