BILLY JOEL & ELTON JOHN
It was a really bad start to the 'Piano Men Tour'-Elton got the Rectal Flu and Billy found out he was a talentless fuck, but the show is back on the road. This picture shows the boys rolling into London's Wembley Stadium kicking off the UK leg. In attendance was Queen Elizabeth who told reporters after the show-"I didn't know whether to shit or go blind!" They have a CD coming out in December-"Two Fat Fucks Milking It".
Ian Anderson of Jethro Tull is really excited about joining several retro-bands for this summers blockbuster tour-"Really Old Fuckers Rocking". Included in the line-up will be The Troggs, Herman's Hermits, Jerry and the Pacemakers (interestingly, everyone of the band members now have pacemakers since they are all now in the 70's) and The Animals, even though every member of that band is dead. Pictured is a really coked-up Ian doing a special performance for Pope Benedict at the Vatican.
Metallica's 6 year, 400 city world tour "The Same Shit As The Last Tour" has raked in billions. Pictured is James Hetfield, relaxing after a sold out show at the Budokan in Tokyo.I sleep with a gun cause I don't trust these foreigners. James has said that after successfully copyrighting the word Metallica, they are looking into doing the same with the following words-'Band', 'The', 'James', and a few others. Maybe they should also include 'asshole'!
Fans of the show will be happy to hear that a new season of the show is now in production. Creator of the show, Darren Star, said he had some major concerns. "The girls packed on a few pounds over the last couple of years. Wardrobe was in a real quandary on what to do till they found out Serena Williams has a clothing line out (in the picture the girls are modeling some of Serena's bathing-suits). With the story line always revolving around intimate relationships, what man in his right mind would want to fuck these porkers, other than Jamaicans!" Kim Cantrall, far left, said somehow they would have to hide her unexpected pregnancy. "I know through the magic of TV, nobody will even know I am expecting!" gushed Kim.
"This year will most likely be my last Tour de France," said a sad Lance Armstrong, spotted coming out of a Marseilles pharmacy with a supply of steroids during a pause in the 3rd leg of the Tour. "I just don't seem to have the stamina anymore. And I don't know if it is due to the fact I lost my nuts or those fucking steroids not working like they used too!" said a tearful Lance. This could be the last time his fans see him wearing the race leader's yellow jersey!
In an interview with TMZ, the Hulkster said he has had a drastic reaction to a new steroid he has switched to. "A lot of people might not see the subtle change in me," he lamented, " but I got to tell you I am really happy with the hair growth. Having your nuts fall off and your tits shoot out can really fuck a guy's head up!" According to estranged and strange ex-wife Linda, his nuts have been merely decoration anyways for the last 10 years. "They were about the size of those little Glossette Chocolate Peanuts," she says. "Some nights, I would hear him in bathroom pounding his pudding for a good hour with no results."
Mr. King just finished his annual 6 month "vacation" in the Bangor Psychiatric Hospital. Here he proudly displays the 2 paper-mache figures he made in therapy class. "I am going to start a new line of toys for toddlers (what infant wouldn't want to have these hanging from their crib?) I was in the knitting class but they kicked me out when I stuck knitting needles in this cunts eyes after she said I look funny! Now she doesn't have to look at anyone," giggled Stephen. When asked if he is working on a new book he said, "When the fuck aren't I?" Stephen was also asked if he had any lingering effects from that terrible accident in 1999. You may remember he was hit by that van when he was standing in the middle of Highway 5 at 4 a.m., waving at some aliens who were signaling him from Venus. "No I don't", said Stephen, "the doctor said it was a good thing that my head took the entire impact of the van that hit me at 80 mph!" That's nice Stephen!
It seems another rock band trying to make a comeback tour has run into a few snags. Pictured here is Gene Simmons who collapsed on stage two minutes into the first song on opening night at Staples Center in LA. Paul Stanley was not too amused by the turn of events. "Take a look at that dissipated, lizard tongued mother fucker!" screamed Paul. "If I didn't know any better I'd say he has fucking AIDS." Since Gene did little else than stick his tongue out while on stage, a couple of stage-hands propped him up by sticking a broom up his ass, while one of the equipment managers stood behind him playing the bass guitar as badly as Gene.
Bill is giving back to the community by talking to young kids in inner-city schools. Uncle Bill has been explaining the 'opportunities' and the advantages of being a politician. Here he is showing little Antonio Vargas III his scrap book of all the women he has porked since he first entered politics. The book contains approximately 6,000 choice pieces of ass! Little Antonio asked Bill for the phone number of the blond on the right. Bill said that the door is now wide open for anyone in the USA-"Who would have thought a spear-chuck...black man could become the President, just nosing out a bitch, I mean my wife! You can't imagine the shit you can get away with when your a politician! Being in politics is more profitable than being a crack dealer or pimp. The chances of getting arrested are minimal!"
The Jonas Brothers were disappointed losers at the EMA's. They lost out to Tokio Hotel as 'Best Young Fag Band'. The father of the boys, Paul Jonas, Sr. is seen returning to the hotel with some KFC. "I know how to cheer the boys up!" said the twisted old prick. In December, the boys join Miley Cyrus for a mega tour sponsored by the Disney Corporation. The "Who The Fuck Would Actually Buy Tickets To See These Dip-Shits Other Than Retarded Teen-Age Girls Tour" will hit several cities. Jonas Brothers manager says there is no under-estimating the bad taste of their fans. "When I look out at the crowd, I swear to Christ I think I'm at the Special Olympics. I didn't know there were these many tards in America. Thank you God, is all I can say!"
Oh man, I can hardly wait to put your stuff on the silver screen. Great shit Doc!!
ReplyDeleteThanks for not writting about me today. I am still crying over your last blogs that mentioned me!! Thanks again Doc. Seth
ReplyDeleteHe sure looks old ever since he dumped me!!
ReplyDeleteI swear I didn't know he was a fag till after we had those fag sons. I wish I could have retroactive abortions.
ReplyDeleteThat is really fucking twisted man, I feel like puking and laffing at once!!
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