CNN-ANSWERING YOUR QUESTIONS

I always like to take some time to answer questions sent into me from children from all over North America. I have been fortunate enough to get some of the personalities from CNN/HLN to help with these questions. Blog dedicated to my faithful fans in UK.

                                 WOLFE BLITZER ON HATE CRIMES

Mr. Blitzer-Could you explain to me what a 'hate crime' is. I get really confused when I watch CNN and they talk about this crime being committed. Kylee Morrow (age 8).

Kylee-That's an easy one. Here at CNN/HLN we have a specific formula to determine what's a hate crime. Basically, anything that involves a white person doing something to a 'minority' qualifies as a hate crime. For instance, a white cop arrests a black person, that's a hate crime. Or say 3 white teens beat up a black kid, that's a hate crime. Don't get confused by the reverse. If three black teens beat up a white kid. That's just teenagers having a good time. Get it? Here is another example. Say a bunch of guys get shit faced and go on a rampage and they begin to beat up people. Now if they beat up a fa... a gay, that's a hate crime. But if the guy they beat up is straight, he deserves it! It's that easy, Kylee. I hope you read my book when you grow up-"The Pedophiles Guide to the Internet!"

         ANDERSON COOPER ON GAY MARRIAGE

Mr. Cooper-My daddy is a colonel in the army. He says they should allow gays in because they would be good to shoot at for training. He says they wouldn't have to worry about the thing-don't ask, don't tell-because if they have a bullet in them, they can't say shit. Sorry about the language, but that is how my daddy talks. He wants me to talk like that too, cuz he doesn't want a pussy for a son! My question for you is what do you think of gay marriage? Montgomery Clift Jr. (age 7).

Dear Monty-I am all for gay marriage. In fact my boyfriend gave birth to an 8 lb. turd yesterday. We named it Curly Corn Jr. I have a book coming out soon, "Hemorrhoidic Shock-My Life Without KY"!


                                 GLENN BECK ON RELIGION


Mr. Beck-Do you think they should have religion in school and politics? At our school we recognize all religious beliefs so every morning we have prayers for all the religions. By the time we finish it is time to go home. My teacher, Mr.  Braidon says for my assignment on religion, I should ask you because you belong to a really whacked-out church. Is it true you think Jesus was born in Ohio? And that you can have lots of polliwog or polygon marriages? And you can have sex with little girls, even your nieces if you marry them. Even though I am only 5, that sounds really fucked-up! Janice McCallum, age 5, Burbank.

Janice-I do belong to a respectable church. I have to check with my leader, but I think Jesus was born in Idaho or something like that. There are many up-sides to my religious beliefs. For instances-How many guys do you know who get to have a whole stable of wives? This is called polygamy. Ask your dad if he wouldn't mind a ménage á trois with a couple of hot 15 year old chicks? What other church do you know where you can actually buy your way into heaven? Some call it bribery, we call it 'tithing'. You should come to Salt Lake City and see the biggest advantage. There are hardly any Negroes there, just whole bunch of white bread folk like the Osmond Family. Finally, if you want whacked-out, check out Travolta and Cruise and the crazy shit their into. By the way Janice, don't forget to buy my book "Buggery & Bestiality-Two Of My Favorite Things".

Thank you very much guys. I really appreciate it when top talent like this gives back to today's children. Although I wouldn't dare leave my children alone with these three for one minute!