U2/BONO FAN CLUB UPDATE

(Bono baby photo courtesy of Irish Hospital For Retards)

Here's the latest on  Bono/U2

• At the Vatican, the 85 year old Pontiff, Pope Benzadrine laid one hell of a beating on Bono. Seems he is a little tired of the "Irish, cock-sucking Mick" (as the Pope so fondly refers to Bono) coming to the Vatican and trying to tell him how to run the church!
  

• Bono nearly drowned last week in Paris. He was demonstrating to his adoring public that he too could walk on water like Jesus. Band mate, The Edge said, "This guy never ceases to amaze me with his fucked up antics!"
  

• January 1st, Bono will be giving a 6 hour concert in Dublin. To ensure he will be the focus of everyone's attention, he has asked his U2 band mates to stand behind a curtain. On January 2nd, he hopes Queen Elizabeth will respond to his challenge for the right to be "Supreme Monarch of the UK". He has already rented Wembly Stadium for a scheduled 10 round bare-knuckle fight. Bono confidently smirked to reporters that he should be able to take the 'royal twat' out in the first round.
  

• During a routine physical, a doctor discovered why Bono was suffering from massive headaches. An 8 lb. 6 oz. potato was removed from his arse. This was a custom handed down in Bono's family dating back to the 'Great Irish Potato Famine'. His grandfather told him that you can't trust a mick, especially during hard times. So during the famine, each member of the family would hide enough food to last a couple of weeks-8-10 lbs. of potatoes or turnips. Habits are hard to break said Bono!

• The "St. Bono African Miracle Plan" is right on schedule says the mick. Asked why he has put so much effort into this campaign, Bono responded by saying, "When I was a little boy, my grandpa, who was Scottish, said to me that he was very upset that his daughter had married an Irishman, because the Irish are niggers turned inside-out! So you see, all them darkies in Africa are my relatives!

• Speaking of his African mission, Bono says it is on schedule. 80% of the pick-a-ninnies will have a pair of his "Bono Bitching Sunglasses' by the end of the year. He is appealing to scientists at Cambridge University to work on inventing 'instant water' to end droughts in Africa. When Professor Morton asked the retarded leprechaun how he thought 'instant water' could be a feasible and viable option, Bono responded-"You take a packet of instant water, empty it into a glass, then you add water and voila, you have more water!" 

That's it for todays edition. The Doc