C & W SUPER GROUP "3 AMIGOS"

WARNING-THIS IS SATIRE & PARODY


Latest From Nashville. Toby Keith, Tim McGraw and Alan Jackson have formed a new C&W super group. They have released a CD and may go on tour this fall. This should be a shit kicker of a CD. Hear are a few of the titles:

• "Mama Don't Like Nigrahs"

• "Drinkin' Whiskey, Pounding Queers!"

• "Caught Her Cheatin', She Took A Beatin"!

• "Gay Pride? They All Died"!

• "Doin' The Dune-Coon Stomp"!

• "Blood On My Shit-Kickers!"

• "Gonna Kill The Dixie Chicks"!

Should they go on tour, ticket prices would be in the $300-500 per ticket range. Jackson says it isn't cheap flying 3 Lear Jets from concert to concert.

Yesterday, I mentioned that Natalie Maines of the "Dixie Chicks" took out Tobey Keith with a well placed nut-shot. Although Toby lost a nut (Natalie lost a nail) it won't keep him from touring.

On hearing about the incident, Shania Twain said she was so proud of Natalie, "There's a lot of people who have wanted to take out that red-neck pussy, good on her".

That's it for today!

U2/BONO FAN CLUB UPDATE

(Bono baby photo courtesy of Irish Hospital For Retards)

Here's the latest on  Bono/U2

• At the Vatican, the 85 year old Pontiff, Pope Benzadrine laid one hell of a beating on Bono. Seems he is a little tired of the "Irish, cock-sucking Mick" (as the Pope so fondly refers to Bono) coming to the Vatican and trying to tell him how to run the church!
  

• Bono nearly drowned last week in Paris. He was demonstrating to his adoring public that he too could walk on water like Jesus. Band mate, The Edge said, "This guy never ceases to amaze me with his fucked up antics!"
  

• January 1st, Bono will be giving a 6 hour concert in Dublin. To ensure he will be the focus of everyone's attention, he has asked his U2 band mates to stand behind a curtain. On January 2nd, he hopes Queen Elizabeth will respond to his challenge for the right to be "Supreme Monarch of the UK". He has already rented Wembly Stadium for a scheduled 10 round bare-knuckle fight. Bono confidently smirked to reporters that he should be able to take the 'royal twat' out in the first round.
  

• During a routine physical, a doctor discovered why Bono was suffering from massive headaches. An 8 lb. 6 oz. potato was removed from his arse. This was a custom handed down in Bono's family dating back to the 'Great Irish Potato Famine'. His grandfather told him that you can't trust a mick, especially during hard times. So during the famine, each member of the family would hide enough food to last a couple of weeks-8-10 lbs. of potatoes or turnips. Habits are hard to break said Bono!

• The "St. Bono African Miracle Plan" is right on schedule says the mick. Asked why he has put so much effort into this campaign, Bono responded by saying, "When I was a little boy, my grandpa, who was Scottish, said to me that he was very upset that his daughter had married an Irishman, because the Irish are niggers turned inside-out! So you see, all them darkies in Africa are my relatives!

• Speaking of his African mission, Bono says it is on schedule. 80% of the pick-a-ninnies will have a pair of his "Bono Bitching Sunglasses' by the end of the year. He is appealing to scientists at Cambridge University to work on inventing 'instant water' to end droughts in Africa. When Professor Morton asked the retarded leprechaun how he thought 'instant water' could be a feasible and viable option, Bono responded-"You take a packet of instant water, empty it into a glass, then you add water and voila, you have more water!" 

That's it for todays edition. The Doc

SETH ROGEN INTERVIEW-TMZ

Seth Rogen recently sat down for an interview with TMZ

TMZ-Seth, you've just completed your 6th movie in 7 weeks, what is your secret formula you have that makes you such a prolific film maker?

Seth-Several things, 1st I am Jewish. 2nd, the average movie goer has the sophistication of a retarded 14 year old, so there is no need for complex scripting or plot line or for that fact any humor. 3rd, standards in today's society have completely eroded. That's why a fucking hack like Stephen King gets considered for a Pulitzer Prize! Finally, fat, ugly and stupid are "in".

TMZ-Your new movie is "Funny People" with Adam Sandler, can you tell us about it?

Seth-Adam and I wrote this in about 12 minutes. We decided to use Adam's writing method on this movie. Now, when I write a movie, I like to include one funny line every 10 minutes. This means I have about 8 jokes or funny scenes per movie. Now Adam said that is a total fucking waste of time and effort. His method is to use 3 jokes per movie. 1 at the beginning, 1 in the middle and 1 at the end. The one at the end is the most important as this will guarantee that you will get a sequel.

TMZ-You progressed from doing comedy writing to acting. Did you take acting lessons, if you did, from who?

Seth-It really isn't such a leap from bad writing to bad acting. But I did 2 things to help me in my move to 'in-front' camera work. First, I hung around a school for retards to inspire me and to raise my skill level. Then I went to stay with Will Farrell, to be brutally honest, it was hard to tell the difference between the school for retards and the Farrell family, except the retards were much more intelligent, classy and logical.

TMZ-Finally, do you have any words of inspiration for young people who want to succeed in this business?

Seth-I can't stress this point enough, if you are a "goy" your fucked, convert as soon as possible. And if you are of the Jewish persuasion, all I have to say is look at me and you know you can make it. I'm soft, dumpy and have the personality of a weasel. What's more, I have already shot my wad as far as comedy writing goes. I mean, my movies can only get worse and I am getting laid, blown and paid millions. Take a look at todays leading men-me, Will Farrel, Jack Black, Shia Lebeouf and guys like that. We were the ones at school that never got kissed, let alone laid, got butt-fucked in the shower room, spit on by the teachers, told we were losers by our own fathers. Now we're rich, famous and can be seen with these gorgeous babes on and off the screen. Would that make them whores? Who gives a fuck. Just go for it dudes.

TMZ-Thanks Seth, its been a education. Don't miss Seth's next 4 movies, although they are still in the writing stage, all should hit the theaters by the end of summer "Funny People 2, 3, 4, & 5".

WHO INVENTED THE BLOW JOB?

THE BJ IN A HISTORICAL CONTEXT

For decades, scholars and historians in France & England were locked in a heated debate on who invented the blow job. In 1984, Prime Minister Thatcher and President Mitterrand decided to jointly fund a study to answer this question.

Sociologists and historians from Oxford and Harvard Universities began a comprehensive investigation and finally after eight years the researchers had the answer. Surprisingly, it turns out it was a collaborative effort on the part of a French Aristocrat and a British Noblewoman.

And as is the case of all new discoveries the saying-"Necessity is the Mother of Invention"-rings true with the B.J.

The story begins in 1590. A smarmy Frenchman, the Marquis Jean Luc Picard, decided he was going to head to England and see how many lonely English Noblewomen he could bang. Many of their husbands were off fighting in one war or another. So the scum-bag knew there would be some easy pickings.

Accompanying the Marquis was his valet Marcel Marceau and a locksmith, Jacques Cousteau. His first stop was in Ipswich the home of Lady Gwendolyn Inveremere.

After getting the fine lady shit-faced, Jean-Luc made his move. After copping a couple of tit tugs, the Lady was just panting to get a hot meat injection.

"My dear Jean Luc, if it wasn't for this chastity belt I would gladly allow you to split my royal beaver,"stated Lady Gwen.

Now we know why the scum bag brought the locksmith.

"Do not fret my lovely, for my man Marcel will have it off faster than jack-rabbits fucking and the royal beaver will be split forthright," said Jean Luc.

Lady Gwen went to the bedroom and Marcel began to work his magic with the lock on the belt. But Marcel soon discovered that lady Gwen's husband was all too wise to unscrupulous pricks like Jean Luc and had installed a tamper proof lock.

Upon hearing the bad news, Jean Luc went ape-shit and began to scream like a bitch-"I did not come to this fucking, shit-hole of a country for a lousy hand-job!!"

It was his man servant, Jacques Cousteau who came up with the idea of a "hummer". How or why, this we will never know, but Jean Luc liked it, but thought it impossible to talk the Lady into taking of his filthy, crusted wanker into her pie-hole.

A quick thinking Marcel said-"I got it, tell her Marie Antoinette is into it, that is sure to seal the deal!"

"Marcel, you are brilliant,"said Jean Luc.

This was brilliant because Marie was like the Britney or Paris of that time. Whatever Marie was doing or wearing, etc. the women of Europe copied her.

We will now have to discuss one fact that has sickened each and everyone of the researchers.

Europeans bathe about 2 or 3 times a year. In the middle-ages, this figure was reversed, they bathed once every 2 or 3 years. Lady Gwen was, figuratively, putting a loaded gun in her mouth. One researcher said it probably would have taken a putty knife and a couple of pounds of steel wool to get Jean Luc's wanker even reasonably clean.

We will skip the disgusting details and just say that Lady Gwen blew Jean-Luc. Interestingly enough, history records concerning Lady Gwen, say she died in 1590 of a terrible, debilitating and unknown disease. She lost her teeth and hair, then she went blind. She developed these festering sores over her entire body. Her personal physician, after hearing what she had done to a Frenchman, could not stand to see her suffer such agony so he used a sledge hammer on her. What her physician didn't realize, was that the poor Lady had contracted a extreme virulent case of Frenchium Gonneritius, without a doubt, one of the most deadly diseases known to man till the new-age invention-AIDS!

The glib-talking Jean-Luc managed to get 12 more noblewomen to blow him using the same ruse he used on Lady Gwen.

Historians concluded that by the 4th blow job, his knob would have been relatively clean so these women would have displayed lesser symptoms as Lady Gwen and most likely survived the ordeal.

By the time Jean Luc returned to France, he was being hailed as a hero. Men were toasting him in inns and bars and asking the same question-"Why the fuck haven't we thought of this sooner?

This research answered another question that has puzzled historians for centuries. The birth rate in Europe dropped 75% from 1590-1594. Scientist now hypothesize that with the advent of the "hummer", straight-up fucking was no longer the preference of men so as a consequence, the birth-rate dropped.

As a Catholic, Jean Luc's crowning glory came when he was invited to the Vatican by Pope Pitious "The Demented". It is said that when Jean Luc entered the private chamber of the Pope, he fell to his knees and began to sob uncontrollably, in abject humility on meeting such a great man.

Pope Pitious, in a gesture never witnessed before or since, rose from his throne and lifted Jean Luc to his feet and stated-"Jean-Luc, you need not bow to any man, not a King or even a Pope, for you have given man his greatest gift-the blow job!"

That night a grand ball was thrown in Jean-Luc's honor at the Vatican. The Pope had 100 of his hottest nuns serving wine, spirits, cheeses and meats.

Unfortunately for Jean Luc, his fame and glory was short-lived. For you see, Pope Pitious died in a three-way just months after the grand ball. The new Pope, Gerald "The Prude", was totally disgusted with state of affairs within the Church and the men of Catholic faith who were having their love muscle engaged in a lip-lock. He sent a messenger with proclamations to the King's of England and France proclaiming the immediate excommunication of anyone partaking in the oral copulation of the "trouser-snake".

King Louis was totally pissed that Jean-Luc had brought down the wrath of the Pope and stripped Jean Luc of his title, estate and heritical land holdings. Jean Luc went insane because of the ridicule and wrathe being thrust upon him. He ended up in an insane asylum. The guards in this nut house said that Jean Luc was jacking it 20 or 30 times per day until he died.

King Henry, on the other hand, had grown quite fond of the hummer. So he sent a messenger of his own to Pope Gerald. He had a proclamation to decree and he wanted the Pope to be the first to hear it. Although simple and to the point, it would forever change England's historical path. It stated-"As it is my will and though I have a duty to serve in the People of England's best interests, we are now Protestant Nation under "The Church of England"! P.S. Go Fuck Thyself. King Henry. Your ex-humble servant!

Thus we have the historical background of the B.J., hummer, skin flute, fellatio or whatever term you would use.

SIMIAN SEX TALE-DIAN FOSSEY

GANG BANGING APES

See http://cruderudecomedy.blogspot.com/ for revised and re-edited version of these stories!
Recently, a diary was found that had belonged to the famed gorilla researcher Dian Fossey. It is a very telling glimpse into a woman who obviously had some issue with her relationship with her beloved apes. Isolation, paranoia and the lack of human contact twisted her perception of society. Here are a few pages from the diary.

May 19

Yet another civil war has forced me to move from my home base and leave my "family". You need a score card to keep track of which spearchucker is in charge.

May 30

What fabulous luck. As I crossed into Zaire, I stumbled across a colony of "Congolesia Apes". This is a very rare sub-species of the Silver-back ape. I have decided to set up camp and study them until I can return to the Congo.

June 10

There are 52 members in this group. They have displayed some really strange behaviors. The 12 adult males are brutal and sadistic in nature. I have yet to determine which of these males is the leader.

June 18

Well, I have determined which of the males is the leader and I have named him "Oscar Meyer" because he has a huge wiener. The 12 males will be referred to as the posse in this report. They are very similar to human males in that they are lazy and spend most of the day sleeping or "jacking-it". And it seems getting some pussy is a priority! They also force the younger, weaker males forage for food for them.

June 27

Fuck me, just when I think I have seen the very worst in their behaviors, they surprise me with an even darker side. Today, I witnessed a cluster-fuck, the likes I have never seen before! What is even more sickening, these guys are AC/DC-they'll plug into anything!

July 1

I have gradually let my presence be known to the group and they do not seem to mind my close proximity to them. This will aid in my observation of behaviors.

July 9

Oscar Meyer is one sick fuck. Today he put on a performance that I am sure was for my benefit. In a clearing not far from my own camp, he had 3 females who took turns giving him oral sex. The entire time he was getting blown, he maintained direct eye contact with me. I swear to Christ he was actually winking at me and he had this shit-eating grin on his face.

July 15

Today the "posse" was acting more bizarre then usual. I soon realized that they were intoxicated from eating fruit that had fermented in the sun. They spent 1/2 the day in a drunken brawl and then they turned their attention to a female and gang-banged her!

August 1

Today began as one of the most frightening and terrifying days I have ever had while in Africa. I had just emerged from my tent and immediately, the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. 20 yards in front of my tent was the "posse" forming a semi-circle. I was frozen in fear and it crossed my mind that I was about to die. That is until Oscar Meyer slowly approached me with an offering of a banana. My experience has taught me that when an ape is offering food, it is a gesture of good-will and friendship. Relief flooded over me but it was fleeting. I noticed that the banana had been sprinkled with leaf flakes from the Ubangi Shrub. The effects of this plant is similar to "roofies" and "spanish fly". My heart sank. There was going to be another gang-bang and I was going to be the gang-bangee! Using all my inner strength, I willed myself to be calm, otherwise I may never get out of this.

Using gestures and rudimentary sign language I conveyed to Oscar Meyer that if the boys wanted to "party", they should give me a few minutes to fix myself up. I reached behind me and pulled out a silky black negligee and held it up. This had the effect I was hoping for. The boys began to hoot and holler and all had major wood. Oscar Meyer nodded to me and I slipped back into my tent and closed the flaps.

With calculated precision, I slipped 2 boxes out from under my cot. One contained a .44 cal. S & W and the other was my trusty Glock. I loaded the S & W with special wad-cutter slugs. enough fire power to put 6 inch hole in an elephant. I put a clip if hollow points in the Glock and slipped a speed loader and extra clip into my pocket. Peeking through the slit in the flaps, I was relieved to see that they had remained where they were. Oscar Meyer would have to be taken out first. I raised the Glock & without opening the flap I got off 2 quick shots getting the cock-sucker dead center in the chest. With the S & W, I capped the 2 on either side of him.

When I burst from the tent, the rest of the posse broke for the trees. Luck was with me for they remained in a tight group as they ran. I emptied both guns, knocking down 5 more. The last 4 ran up the same tree. This was going to be like shooting fish in a barrel.

I reloaded both guns and couldn't resist yelling at them-"How's it feel to be the ones being fucked over?" At this point, 2 of them began to fling shit at me. If I was pissed before, I was now fuming. This was now going to be fun. I methodically brought the remaining 4 down.

This much gun fire was sure to attract unwanted attention, so I had to pack up fast and get the fuck out of there. I would have loved to stick around and see the confusion on the faces of the rest of the group when these 12 assholes failed to return. They were much better off anyway.

August 20

The civil war is over and I am back home with my beloved Silverback Gorillas. The adventures I experienced in Zaire will have to remain a secret between me and my diary. Those bleeding hearts at The National Geographic Society may not approve of the frontier justice I meted out, but fuck them.

August 30

On my return to Uganda, my long time boyfriend, Shemp, surprised me with a marriage proposal. I am so giddy with happiness. We plan on honeymooning in Uganda as guest of Idi Amin. He is quite a nice chap, but I hope Shemp doesn't get jealous, me and Idi had a fling many years ago.

September 14

This is way too funny. I got a letter from the National Geographic Society. They have asked me to go to Zaire and help investigate the slaughter of 15 rare Congolese Apes.

Dian Fosse kissing her new husband Shemp

BUSH, CHENEY, POWELL & OBAMA

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