MYSTERY OF THE JIZZED UP CORPSE
CHAPTER ONE
Joe and Frank were nearly finished jacking-off to the latest Jonas Brothers video when the phone rang. "It's my turn! It's my turn," screamed Joe as he ran to answer it. "Hello. Yes this is the Hardy Boys. Yes. Really! That would be keen! Me and Frank will get right on it Chief!"
"Frank that was the Chief Colig. He says they just received a 911 call. Some woman says she was being raped and murdered and all his detectives are on coffee break so he wants us to investigate it! He said not to rush because she's probably dead by now. We better tell dad were going out on a case and get over there right away!", shouted Joe in excitement. "Frank, what is rape?
"Dad says it what niggers call singing. Remember when we saw that Negro with the funny hair, Congo West wrecking Taylor Swift's speech at the music awards? He and Chris Brown are into raping," said a Frank as he began cramming the necessary tools they would need to solve this crime into the Jonas Brothers Fudge Back-Packer. This included the Pee Wee Herman Cum-Stain Kit, Kaptain Kangaroo Official Police Badges and Clay Aikens Homosexual Detector Spray.
"His name was Kenye West, Frank and remember, Phil "The Kike" Cohen said that nigger is a very bad word," Joe opined correcting Frank on his faux pas.
"What the heck does that Hebe know?" said Frank.
After getting all their gear packed, they excitedly ran down the hall and burst into their fathers den. They immediate froze in their tracks, staring at the bizarre and surreal scene being played out. On her knees in front of their dad was 14 year old Becky Wilson, the girl who lived next door, with her faced buried in his crotch.
"Gosh darn it Dad, what is Becky doing to your wiener?" screamed the boys in unison.
"Mother Fucker! I thought I told you fucking retards to knock before you came in here!" sputtered Fenton Hardy. "If it was any of your fucking business, I got bitten by a snake and Becky is sucking out the poison." Fenton casually tucked his pecker back in, zipped his fly then took out his wallet and handed Becky a $20 bill. "You should come back tomorrow Becky, I might get bitten by a snake again".
"Sure thing, Mr. Hardy," smirked Becky, wiping off her mouth on Fenton's pant leg, tucking the bill in her jeans pocket and winking at the Hardy Boys as she skipped out of the room.
"Dad, we have a big case to work on and we might not be home for supper. Is that okay?" asked Frank.
"Look, you twats, you've mistaken me for someone who actually gives a shit, now would you two get the fuck out of here."
Frank took the bicycle out of the shed and said it was his turn peddle, giving Joe no other option other than to ride bitch. This was an extremely uncomfortable and potentially injurious proposition given the fact that someone had stolen the seat.
As the boys rode through the center of town, they spotted their friends, Phil "The Kike' Cohen and Chet "Perv" Morton in a heated discussion with this very strange looking woman covered in scabs and open sores. She had huge patches of hair missing from her head. "Whatcha guys arguing about?" asked Frank slowing but not stopping.
"This crack-head cunt wants 50 bucks for a hummer!" said an incredulous Chet.
"Give it to her! It's a heck of a deal" yelled Joe over his shoulder. "They want $20,000 at the Bayport Ford for a used Hummer. Frank, did you see a crack in her head?"
The boys pulled up to 124 Elm Street, the scene of the crime. Frank took his feet off the peddles and steadied the bike so Joe could gingerly remove the seat post from his asshole. Entering the house, the Boys eyes were insulted by a scene straight out of a horror movie. Exchanging puzzled and perplexing stares, it was apparent to the both of them that they would need some assistance with this case.
It was a troubled Joe who picked up the phone and called Chief Colig. "Mr. Police Chief Sir? This is the strangest and scariest thing Frank and I have ever seen. We need the Ghost Busters, Search & Rescue and a sniffer dog! The lady is dead and naked and the Negro singer is nowhere in sight.Why do we need the Ghost Busters and Search & Rescue? Well Chief, I hope you're sitting down. Her penis is missing and her face and crotch are covered in ectoplasm!"
Joe listened as the Chief explained a few simple facts to the dip-shit. "What's that you say? Really? Well, I'll be darned! You wouldn't kid me would you? Okay. Sorry to bother you during do-nut break. We'll do our best to get the evidence," said a very embarrassed and contrite Joe as he hung up the phone and looked sheepishly at his brother. "The Chief said that's a vagina," pointing at her crotch, "And that isn't ectoplasm but something called jizzum. He wants us to collect a sample without contaminating it and get it to the lab for DNA testing. He also wants us to get some pictures of the woman and he said to get some close-ups of her snatch and tits. He said he can get good money for them on Craig's List. I don't know any Craigs, do you?"
"No I don't but I know a Greg", said Frank, taking out two straws and his Paris Hilton Whore-Cam. Clicking several pictures he then handed a straw to Joe. "Here, we'll use these to collect the jizzum samples. You get some from her face and I'll work on her vagina."
"Holy Smokes, this stuff smells horrible!" said Frank, nearly heaving, the straw dangling precariously from his lips.
"It tastes even worse!" squawked Joe, as he spat out the straw and a mouthful of the viscous fluid. He then began puking all over the crime scene.
Completely indifferent to his brother's predicament, Frank held up the straw and tried to determine if they had a sufficient amount for testing. "Hey Joe, think this is enough jizz?" asked Frank.
With tears running down his cheeks and copious amounts of sweat dripping from his face, Joe glanced over at Frank and grunted, "If not, be my guest and help yourself," He staggered out the door and collapsed in the front yard.
"I think were all set. Let's get the evidence to the lab. Are you okay Joe?" asked a concerned Frank.
"Frank, I don't think I want to be a detective anymore. I'm only 16 years old and I don't think were normal teenagers. We have been 94 books, haven't been laid, never go to school. Dad sneaks into our bedroom every night and molests us.What do you think?"
"I think you're a pussy, now get your ass on the bike and get this stuff to the lab!"
Getting back on the bike they headed for the lab. They walked up to a guy wearing a white lab coat with a name tag. Frank handed him the straws and the roll of film and explained that it was the evidence they collected for the Chief. "Can you process this real quick, it's very important!" said Joe.
"No problem with the roll of film, but what's in the straw? said Jake, assistant manager of Jiffy Photo Labs, as he took a sniff and disgustingly threw the straws to the floor. "Is this cum, you fucking cock-suckers?"
After getting directions and a vicious beating from Jake, the battered, dazed and confused Hardy Boys, staggered to Police Headquarters then headed home. Hopeful that their fine detective skills would help solve this case.
Two weeks later there was a knock on the Hardy household door. Frank answered it and was surprised to see not only Chief Colig, but several of his deputies and some men who looked like Federal Officers. "I have good and bad news for you boys. The good news, we have solved the case and are going to send the scum-bags who perpetrated this heinous crime to jail for a very long time. The bad news? From the evidence gathered, it seems that the scum-bags are you and Joe! Your fucking DNA was all over the place. On top of all this, these here feds are arresting you for a hate-crime for trying to frame a nigg..I mean a Black man. Cuff 'em boys."
"Dad, dad, please come here and help us!" screamed the boys like the two pussies they were.
Fenton strolled out of his den, zipping up his pants and handing Becky another $20. "What's going on here? What's with the cuffs on my boys?" inquired Fenton.
"Well, Fenton, unless you can alibi your boys here, they are going to be charged with rape and murder," explained the Chief.
Both boys looked to their father in great relief knowing they were about to be exonerated.
"Well, Chief, I always knew they were rotten little pricks. If you look in the garden, you'll find my wife's body. I didn't want to say anything,but this time you boys have gone too far. Get them out of my sight," said Fenton.
THE END
In the coming weeks we have 3 more books for your sons and daughters to read. They include-
"CASE OF THE TOKYO BAY GAYS"
"The boys head to Japan for international intrigue, espionage and some very strange escapades with Hans and Jorge Takamoru, the illegitimate sons of their father, Fenton. It so happens Fenton was on a "trolling" vacation to Thailand when he got side tracked and ended up in Japan. After getting totally shit-faced he fucked a young retarded Laotian who was sold into prostitution by a Swedish Saab executive trying to set up a car dealership with Takeo Honda.
"HARDY BOYS AND THE UNDERCOVER NIGGERS"
The Hardy Boys are recruited by the DEA to go undercover as Negroes and try and bust up an gang of Somalian pirates posing as Green Peace Activist. The Somalians are smuggling in fags from Angola in exchange for John Deere tractors which they sell to an Israeli arms dealer for cigarettes. Unfortunately things go from bad to worse for these hapless dickheads. First they get their half brothers, Hans and Jorge killed by Gay Activist in San Francisco. Then their best friend, Phil 'The Kike' Cohen is murdered by P. Diddy's entourage. The Hardy's do a really bad job of disguising Phil as a pimp. Phil mistakenly calls P Diddy, Snoop Dogg and asks him how his porn business is going? 
The Hardy Boys are all grown up and have a score to settle with Nancy Drew who snubbed them in one of her books-"Nancy Drew Tells The Hardy Boys To Go Fuck Themselves". Having done five years in Bayport Penal Colony for the murder -"Case of The Jizzed Up Corpse" (which you have just read) they lure Nancy to Bayport under the subterfuge of helping them solve a case involving the murder of the chief of police, the judge who sent them to jail, the prosecutor and their father, they hold her captive in Chet Morton's house and gang bang her for a couple of weeks before selling her into prostitution in Albania.
Have a good one.
http://cruderudecomedy.blogspot.com/ Check this shit out
