CHARITIES-MONEY FOR NOTHING

MAKE MY WISH COME TRUE FOUNDATION 

As insensitive as it sounds, when you give money to charity, are you really doing anything besides easing your own conscience? No fucking way. So why waste your money on some kid who is going to kick the bucket anyways when you can make someone, who is going to live for a long time, extremely happy? I will accept cash, cheques or money orders.

AFRICAN SAVE A CHILD FOUNDATION

Pastor William Richter, head of the 'Church Of Our Lady Who Hit The Jackpot', is also the CEO of the Save the Chillens (that is Negro talk for children) Foundation. For $25 a month, they will send you a picture of starving child in Africa and tell you a heart rending story. As long as you send in the $25, they will continue to send you pictures of this kid. Richter says that all they do is send people pictures. In fact he has never been to Africa nor has anyone else in this organization. He was quoted in Time magazine-"That is the last place in the world I would ever want to go. There is nothing but niggers, deserts and this huge fucking animals that can eat you! Besides, if you save these starving kids, they'll just grow up to be pirates or terrorists anyway, raping and pillaging and cutting the tits off of white women!"

THE TRIPLE 'B' CHARITY-BONO'S BITCHIN' BATTALION 

Bono runs and directs this charity from his modest 46 room home in St. Tropez-'Castle St. Bono'. His primary mission is to help the orphans in Africa. In a recent newsletter, he says he has farmed out 4 of his 'teeny weeny nigs'.

"I got that wench Ms. Jolie to take one off my hands, then that whore Madonna took a couple of choice ones, hardly diseased. Then I nearly shite my pants when Sandra Bullock came by and selected one. I think she did this just to piss off her husband cuz he is a full-blown nigger-hater." His other mission is to make the waifs and orphans look half decent. He says he is baffled by there lack of taste in clothes. "Who the fook wears torn up t-shirts, shorts and bare feet on a regular basis? Their choice of colors makes me think they are totally without class or fashion. He has projected that by the end of 2010, a million nig-nogs will be wearing his new line of Christian Dior sunglasses, the St. Bono's, at a nominal fee of $25 if they pre-order.

His third African project has to do with the thousands of kids who die of thirst and dehydration. He has taken steps to alleviate this problem. "When I was in Africa and visited the shacks, hovels and shit holes they call houses, I was aghast to see that not only were they lacking furniture, food and clothing, there weren't a lick of cutlery, fine China and crystal stem-ware to be seen. How can you get a drink of water when you haven't even got a fooken glass to drink from?" He has made arrangements with the 7-11 Corporation. They will be shipping a million Big Gulp cups-with pictures from U2's last tour-"Irishmen Are Niggers Turned Inside Out"-stenciled on them. "This will end the thirst because they will now have something to dip into the thousands of fresh water rivers that flow through ever part of Africa", lamented the totally fucked-up one. He says he is really confused by the number of Africans who die of dysentery. "From my understanding, dysentery is a form or the 'runs''or 'shits'. I don't know how they can be shitting all the time because when I was on me mission to the Darkie Continent, them little buggers didn't have nuffin to eat for days on end! So how the fook could they be shittin so much? Just another one of them perplexities of life I guess."

Because of his high profile and ability to pull the wool over everyone's eyes, the Catholic Church has asked Bono to be their new spokesman. He will make a monumental effort to help stem the flow of the faithful leaving the church. This has become an epidemic in the aftermath of the sexual abuse scandals that have rocked the church. Says Bono-"Look mate, just cuz a bunch of horny priests have molested you, it's not the end of the world. Look at me and 'The Edge', when we were alter boys, we just bent over, took it up the ass and look how well adjusted and famous we have become!"

AMERICAN RED CROSS 

Dr. Robert Lever, CEO of the A.R.C. was recently interviewed by People Magazine and gave them an insight into the inner workings of this fantastic charity. "One of the most difficult aspect of my job is getting over the the grief when I see the destruction and loss of life that mother nature wreaks. Sometimes it takes me three or four minutes before I can put this shit out of my mind. But when you work for the ARC, it is so gratifying to see the hard work you put into fund raising pay off. Such as the Lamborghini I purchased from donations (pictured here with his 4th wife Veronica). A lot of us guys get pretty excited when we hear about a calamity that has befallen some Third World Country. In fact I came in my pants when I was watching CNN's coverage of the Haitian earthquake". Dr. Bob was asked how much of the donations actually reach the countries in need of aid. "How the fuck should I know. We're 'fund-raisers' not 'fund-givers', he laughed, "We leave that shit up to the United Way, Salvation Army and the UN."

That's it for today. If you have any complaints, I don't really give a fuck. I just write what I am told to by a 'greater power'.